'Neath Golden Flames

[metalfan91]

'Neath golden flames, bronzen shields clash;
Blood flows as rivers, pierced rippling flesh
Armors bathed in gleaming light
Embrace the Winter sky

Journey vast, journey well;
Conquer all with sword and spell

On passage up high, leaving earthly realms behind
Cosmic planes await free from time
To see what is real, remove the human veil
Worlds of light and dark together as one

Journey vast journey well
From unholy depths to glorious Valhall

Luminous...
Withering shards of despair
Enlightened by pulsing beams of life

'Neath golden flames all are unmasked
Thought pours as rivers, from a chalice passed
Behold the truth
Take hold of your mind

[Volaticus]

All the capitalized words, the lack of punctuation and awkward lines made this a difficult read. It distracted me from what was actually said and so I don't feel I can comment on the content.
JMHO.

[metalfan91]

All the capitalized words, the lack of punctuation and awkward lines made this a difficult read. It distracted me from what was actually said and so I don't feel I can comment on the content.
JMHO.

I appreciate your attempt at feedback, but if you really tried to read this and feel you can't comment, why comment at all? If anyone else suggests to change the capitalization or punctuation, I might consider; but if you are not going to even attempt any meaningful analysis of thematic elements or sentiments, then I can't take your comment seriously. With all due respect, of course.

I'll admit, I don't write poetry with technical aspects in mind, although they do have their place. I like to focus on the idea I'm trying to convey, and I honestly do not feel this is in any way too difficult to read. Anyone have real feedback? It would be appreciated.

[tectak]

'Neath Golden Flames Bronzen Shields Clash
Blood Flows As Rivers, Pierced Rippling Flesh
Armors Bathed In Gleaming Light
Embrace The Winter Sky

Journey Vast Journey Well
Conquer All With Sword And Spell

On Journey To Skies Leaving Earthly Realms Behind
Cosmic Planes Await Free From Time
To See What Is Real Remove The Human Veil
Worlds Of Light And Dark Together As One

Journey Vast Journey Well
From Unholy Depths To Glorious Valhall

Luminous...
Withering Shards Of Despair
Enlightened By Pulsing Beams Of Life

'Neath Golden Flames All Are Unmasked
Thought Pours As Rivers, From A Chalice Passed
Behold The Truth...
Take Hold Of Your Mind

Hello metalf,
A this is posted in mild crit it will get mild crit. Putting it mildly, this reads like the outer box of a video game, giving a sensationalised indication of what one can expect to find within. Suitable for ages 5-8 years.
Putting it mildly, if there was some point to the pointless capitalising I could see the point but what is the point?
Putting it mildly, the complete lack of ANY informative punctuation makes the piece read as utter nonsense. But for one comma, repeated in S1 and S6 there is no other evidence that you CAN punctuate...indeed, on the evidence of these two commas, you can not.
Putting it mildly, I saw no depth whatsoever in this and so feel unable to comment on the conceptual construct. That may well be a lack on my part but I am over 8 years old and so, perhaps, can be excused.
Putting it mildly...
Best,
tectak
Note! You know some words. Perhaps you could write a poem?
....and by the way, do try to be a little more courteous in your response to those who have commented on your effort. Even in mild crit the reader is TRYING to help you...as, indeed, am I. With all due respect is open to misinterpretation.
mod.

[metalfan91]

'Neath Golden Flames Bronzen Shields Clash
Blood Flows As Rivers, Pierced Rippling Flesh
Armors Bathed In Gleaming Light
Embrace The Winter Sky

Journey Vast Journey Well
Conquer All With Sword And Spell

On Journey To Skies Leaving Earthly Realms Behind
Cosmic Planes Await Free From Time
To See What Is Real Remove The Human Veil
Worlds Of Light And Dark Together As One

Journey Vast Journey Well
From Unholy Depths To Glorious Valhall

Luminous...
Withering Shards Of Despair
Enlightened By Pulsing Beams Of Life

'Neath Golden Flames All Are Unmasked
Thought Pours As Rivers, From A Chalice Passed
Behold The Truth...
Take Hold Of Your Mind

Hello metalf,
A this is posted in mild crit it will get mild crit. Putting it mildly, this reads like the outer box of a video game, giving a sensationalised indication of what one can expect to find within. Suitable for ages 5-8 years.
Putting it mildly, if there was some point to the pointless capitalising I could see the point but what is the point?
Putting it mildly, the complete lack of ANY informative punctuation makes the piece read as utter nonsense. But for one comma, repeated in S1 and S6 there is no other evidence that you CAN punctuate...indeed, on the evidence of these two commas, you can not.
Putting it mildly, I saw no depth whatsoever in this and so feel unable to comment on the conceptual construct. That may well be a lack on my part but I am over 8 years old and so, perhaps, can be excused.
Putting it mildly...
Best,
tectak
Note! You know some words. Perhaps you could write a poem?
....and by the way, do try to be a little more courteous in your response to those who have commented on your effort. Even in mild crit the reader is TRYING to help you...as, indeed, am I. With all due respect is open to misinterpretation.
mod.

First, I apologize if I came off as being discourteous. I'm still not sure of the etiquette on this forum nor how much feedback I should expect in mild crit, if any at all. There is no point to the capitalization, purely pleasing to my eyes, and I wrongly assumed it is pleasing to yours. I'll see how it looks without all the caps. I didn't feel much punctuation was needed, so that's why I did that. I'm still not sure what is expected of poetry here, but it seems more rigid than other forums. That is in no way intended as a slight to this forum, just an observation. As for the 5-8 years comment, very funny.

Thanks for your thoughts,

Daniel

[tectak]

'Neath Golden Flames Bronzen Shields Clash
Blood Flows As Rivers, Pierced Rippling Flesh
Armors Bathed In Gleaming Light
Embrace The Winter Sky

Journey Vast Journey Well
Conquer All With Sword And Spell

On Journey To Skies Leaving Earthly Realms Behind
Cosmic Planes Await Free From Time
To See What Is Real Remove The Human Veil
Worlds Of Light And Dark Together As One

Journey Vast Journey Well
From Unholy Depths To Glorious Valhall

Luminous...
Withering Shards Of Despair
Enlightened By Pulsing Beams Of Life

'Neath Golden Flames All Are Unmasked
Thought Pours As Rivers, From A Chalice Passed
Behold The Truth...
Take Hold Of Your Mind

Hello metalf,
A this is posted in mild crit it will get mild crit. Putting it mildly, this reads like the outer box of a video game, giving a sensationalised indication of what one can expect to find within. Suitable for ages 5-8 years.
Putting it mildly, if there was some point to the pointless capitalising I could see the point but what is the point?
Putting it mildly, the complete lack of ANY informative punctuation makes the piece read as utter nonsense. But for one comma, repeated in S1 and S6 there is no other evidence that you CAN punctuate...indeed, on the evidence of these two commas, you can not.
Putting it mildly, I saw no depth whatsoever in this and so feel unable to comment on the conceptual construct. That may well be a lack on my part but I am over 8 years old and so, perhaps, can be excused.
Putting it mildly...
Best,
tectak
Note! You know some words. Perhaps you could write a poem?
....and by the way, do try to be a little more courteous in your response to those who have commented on your effort. Even in mild crit the reader is TRYING to help you...as, indeed, am I. With all due respect is open to misinterpretation.
mod.

First, I apologize if I came off as being discourteous. I'm still not sure of the etiquette on this forum nor how much feedback I should expect in mild crit, if any at all. There is no point to the capitalization, purely pleasing to my eyes, and I wrongly assumed it is pleasing to yours. I'll see how it looks without all the caps. I didn't feel much punctuation was needed, so that's why I did that. I'm still not sure what is expected of poetry here, but it seems more rigid than other forums. That is in no way intended as a slight to this forum, just an observation. As for the 5-8 years comment, very funny.

Thanks for your thoughts,

Daniel

You are a good egg.
See what you can do
Best,
tectak

[Volaticus]

I appreciate your attempt at feedback, but if you really tried to read this and feel you can't comment, why comment at all? If anyone else suggests to change the capitalization or punctuation, I might consider; but if you are not going to even attempt any meaningful analysis of thematic elements or sentiments, then I can't take your comment seriously. With all due respect, of course.

I'll admit, I don't write poetry with technical aspects in mind, although they do have their place. I like to focus on the idea I'm trying to convey, and I honestly do not feel this is in any way too difficult to read. Anyone have real feedback? It would be appreciated.

I was just trying to help, but I can see this'll be the last time.
With all due respect.

[metalfan91]

I appreciate your attempt at feedback, but if you really tried to read this and feel you can't comment, why comment at all? If anyone else suggests to change the capitalization or punctuation, I might consider; but if you are not going to even attempt any meaningful analysis of thematic elements or sentiments, then I can't take your comment seriously. With all due respect, of course.

I'll admit, I don't write poetry with technical aspects in mind, although they do have their place. I like to focus on the idea I'm trying to convey, and I honestly do not feel this is in any way too difficult to read. Anyone have real feedback? It would be appreciated.

I was just trying to help, but I can see this'll be the last time.
With all due respect.

I put a lot of passion into this one as it is a compliment to a song I wrote, but that's no excuse for being discourteous. I got a little heated with your response, which I shouldn't have. Yes, the "with all due respect" made me sound like an ass for which I am at fault. I did take your advice and changed the punctuation and capitalization. It actually looks a little neater. Thanks for the help.

[Volaticus]

I put a lot of passion into this one as it is a compliment to a song I wrote, but that's no excuse for being discourteous. I got a little heated with your response, which I shouldn't have. Yes, the "with all due respect" made me sound like an ass for which I am at fault. I did take your advice and changed the punctuation and capitalization. It actually looks a little neater. Thanks for the help.

It was a bit uncalled for yes, but I appreciate your response, so no bad feelings. I will take a look at the changes you've made.

[ChristopherSea]

Daniel, you have made some very good critiques on the site and it will be recognized and appreciated! Just hang in there. At the same time, you have admitted that you are just beginning to write poetry, so others should be more patient with you. However, if you heed the critiques, folks will want to help you further. All caps and no punctuation can be annoying. Nonetheless, some good poets can get away with it. Show you can use them, before you lose them, I say. I did read this as a Viking-like death song. I don't know if it will aid the song, but some editing will help the poetry. Some word choices and phrasing are odd, so start editing:

Beneath the gold flames, our bronze shields clash.
Blood flows like a river through pierced flesh.
The armor of the dead is dappled in fading light,
as they embrace the winter sky...

You get the drift , not this per say, but something like it so folks can begin to work with you.

[billy]

First, I apologize if I came off as being discourteous. I'm still not sure of the etiquette on this forum nor how much feedback I should expect in mild crit, if any at all. There is no point to the capitalization, purely pleasing to my eyes, and I wrongly assumed it is pleasing to yours. I'll see how it looks without all the caps. I didn't feel much punctuation was needed, so that's why I did that. I'm still not sure what is expected of poetry here, but it seems more rigid than other forums. That is in no way intended as a slight to this forum, just an observation. As for the 5-8 years comment, very funny.

Thanks for your thoughts,

Daniel

off topic.

great to see you accepting advice after having a rant

expect as much feedback as people give you, it's us the reader that expect...we expect an attempt by the poet to edit as best they can (within their skill set) and we realise or expect edits not to be as sweeping or as thorough as those who edit in the serious forum.
i suppose on the three feedback forums there is a rigidity, if there weren't we'd be like all the other ego building sites out there that you turned yourself around re feedback makes me think and hope you'll stay the course :J:

---

lots of feedback allready given so i won't dwell on those.
thinks like
rippling flesh, gleaming light and winter sky are cliche. it seems to be a song lyric and while these can be choc full of cliche poetry shouldn't be.

it has a feel of thor about it. instead of intangible words like despair, unholy depths, and more, use a great big image.. snot hanging like silly putty from your nose. make it stand out.

'Neath golden flames, bronzen shields clash;
Blood flows as rivers, pierced rippling flesh
Armors bathed in gleaming light
Embrace the Winter sky

Journey vast, journey well;
Conquer all with sword and spell

On passage up high, leaving earthly realms behind
Cosmic planes await free from time
To see what is real, remove the human veil
Worlds of light and dark together as one

Journey vast journey well
From unholy depths to glorious Valhall

Luminous...
Withering shards of despair
Enlightened by pulsing beams of life make things clear, what does this particular despair mean? what are pulsing beams of life?(making things clear isn't always the way to go but it is here) gives the reader something solid

'Neath golden flames all are unmasked 'Neath feels forced, here and above
Thought pours as rivers, from a chalice passed
Behold the truth what truth?
Take hold of your mind how?

[ScurryFunger]

'Neath golden flames, bronzen shields clash;
Blood flows as rivers, pierced rippling flesh
Armors bathed in gleaming light
Embrace the Winter sky

Journey vast, journey well;
Conquer all with sword and spell

On passage up high, leaving earthly realms behind
Cosmic planes await free from time
To see what is real, remove the human veil
Worlds of light and dark together as one

Journey vast journey well
From unholy depths to glorious Valhall

Luminous...
Withering shards of despair
Enlightened by pulsing beams of life

'Neath golden flames all are unmasked
Thought pours as rivers, from a chalice passed
Behold the truth
Take hold of your mind

you rhyhmed 'well' with 'valhall' shouldnt there be an a on the end of that?

Sorry, but it all seemed a bit 'old fashioned' to me.

[C.M.C.]

All other taken points aside; I like it, content wise, up into the third stanza. It starts off as what appears to be a story of some bloody battle. But even then it needs work. The second stanza isn't really needed. It's a poem, not a song. After the second stanza, it goes off on some story of afterlife. Which would be okay except you never fully explain what happens. And half way through that third stanza it just sounds like your reading metal lyrics that have nothing to do with the poem. Side note: This is the section is called "Poems for Mild CRITIQUE." And that is not just a title taped on over "Put Your Half Ass'd Poems Up to Defend." The site is used as a way to better yourself as a poet. It's not where you stick poems on the fridge for everyone to see. I thought it was like that too at first too. But that get's you nowhere here.