parts

[Obloquy]

her sweet words drip down my crown
like honey, dripping down my folds
making my cerebrum round and smooth
she drills holes in my head
and rolls me.
i could not strike them all down.

she finds a new brain to toy with
i sit on the rack
i once had a brain.
she made it a sport.

#

whispering, tickling the drums in my ears
i hiss an excited sneer
she takes my tongue
and silences it
she likes it better that way

i used to speak
but only to her
on occasions.
and now she is gone and i
do not speak at all.
for she has my tongue

[cidermaid]

You have something good to work with here. Much of your other posted poetry has shown plenty of promise, but is is a shame that you are not entering into the full experiance of this site and giving yourself the opportunity to improve.

I notice that you have made a total of 8 posts, 6 of which have been putting up new poems (all of them into crit threads) but you have only offered 2 crits by reply (and both of these comments were not actually offering the other poet anything to improve thier poems). You have recieved some fair advice on your posted poems (but to date have only undertaken one edit). Finally you are missing out on making some new friends and having the support of this group, in that you do not ever thank your readers for taking the time and trouble to give thier time on your poem. Do you really think you are being fair to others? Equally, instead of a hit n run mentality, give it a try - hang around. Read some of the crit on other poems and watch how others develop thier poems...and then see what you can do with your poems. As I said above they have plenty of promise.

Please read the site rules concerning offering other poets some meaningful thoughts on thier poems.

[Obloquy]

You have something good to work with here. Much of your other posted poetry has shown plenty of promise, but is is a shame that you are not entering into the full experiance of this site and giving yourself the opportunity to improve.

I notice that you have made a total of 8 posts, 6 of which have been putting up new poems (all of them into crit threads) but you have only offered 2 crits by reply (and both of these comments were not actually offering the other poet anything to improve thier poems). You have recieved some fair advice on your posted poems (but to date have only undertaken one edit). Finally you are missing out on making some new friends and having the support of this group, in that you do not ever thank your readers for taking the time and trouble to give thier time on your poem. Do you really think you are being fair to others? Equally, instead of a hit n run mentality, give it a try - hang around. Read some of the crit on other poems and watch how others develop thier poems...and then see what you can do with your poems. As I said above they have plenty of promise.

Please read the site rules concerning offering other poets some meaningful thoughts on thier poems.

Thank you cider. I should start submitting input more often for sure. I never really thought anything I wrote was two good. I do it more as a way to vent opposed to actually trying to write something beautiful. I'd love to have the chance to but I'm very busy so my trips here are very infrequently, usually when something had happened to me and made me write another. I may start writing more, however.

[casper-zakelijk]

I really like the idea of it, but I think you can do more with it. For example, if you would write it in a more consistent structure, the reader will read it in a rhythm, which can make the entire poem sound a lot better. For this you can also use several of poetic tools, of which the simplest, I think, is (end) rhyme. It's a good poem, a good idea, but for now you might want to imporve the structure.