Posts: 69
Threads: 9
Joined: Aug 2013
A beginning foretold in a gut reaction,
as instant as the snap of fingers
clicked across a face.
The nuance said it all,
a between the lines reading of a love letter,
a castle sillouetted cloud in the sky.
It grew like a plant living beside a waterfall,
clinging and lush.
There's no heartshaped tin
filled with a ticket stub history,
just memory shaped tendrils
that curl through my mind.
Posts: 13
Threads: 0
Joined: Aug 2013
There's something here that needs to be dug out. You've used several images/metaphors to describe one thing. Try using only one image so that it's coherent. You can describe different aspects of that one image. There are a few idioms that could go, like: "gut reaction" — it's not a very strong opening either. Some images are verbosely described, e.g., lines 2+3 could be: "fingers snapping across a face," try active voice, cut-cut, the "instant" is implied. Also, your ending just didn't seem conclusory, it was just another vague image, try tying it up at the end.
Sorry I couldn't do a line by line because midway through writing this I found out I have to be somewhere, so I may as well just finish it.
This could be good after a revision.
(08-24-2013, 05:38 AM)ScurryFunger Wrote: A beginning foretold in a gut reaction,
as instant as the snap of fingers
clicked across a face.
The nuance said it all,
a between the lines reading of a love letter,
a castle sillouetted cloud in the sky.
It grew like a plant living beside a waterfall,
clinging and lush.
There's no heartshaped tin
filled with a ticket stub history,
just memory shaped tendrils
that curl through my mind.
Posts: 69
Threads: 9
Joined: Aug 2013
(08-24-2013, 09:32 AM)Apophrades Wrote: There's something here that needs to be dug out. You've used several images/metaphors to describe one thing. Try using only one image so that it's coherent. You can describe different aspects of that one image. There are a few idioms that could go, like: "gut reaction" — it's not a very strong opening either. Some images are verbosely described, e.g., lines 2+3 could be: "fingers snapping across a face," try active voice, cut-cut, the "instant" is implied. Also, your ending just didn't seem conclusory, it was just another vague image, try tying it up at the end.
Sorry I couldn't do a line by line because midway through writing this I found out I have to be somewhere, so I may as well just finish it.
This could be good after a revision.
(08-24-2013, 05:38 AM)ScurryFunger Wrote: A beginning foretold in a gut reaction,
as instant as the snap of fingers
clicked across a face.
The nuance said it all,
a between the lines reading of a love letter,
a castle sillouetted cloud in the sky.
It grew like a plant living beside a waterfall,
clinging and lush.
There's no heartshaped tin
filled with a ticket stub history,
just memory shaped tendrils
that curl through my mind.
Blimey
Posts: 54
Threads: 4
Joined: Aug 2013
A beginning foretold in a gut reaction,
I liked the gut reaction. I just have little idea what the 'A beginning foretold' is
as instant as the snap of fingers
clicked across a face.
The nuance said it all,
a between the lines reading of a love letter,
a castle sillouetted cloud in the sky.
The vine image seems more central, so I wonder the castle-silhouetted cloud is a distraction.
It grew like a plant living beside a waterfall,
clinging and lush.
I would assume this refers to plant, but given its location, this should refer to waterfall.
There's no heartshaped tin
filled with a ticket stub history,
This is a very good image.
just memory shaped tendrils
that curl through my mind.
There is a lot of development you can get out of these tendrils.
Posts: 69
Threads: 9
Joined: Aug 2013
(08-26-2013, 05:30 AM)btrudo Wrote: A beginning foretold in a gut reaction,
I liked the gut reaction. I just have little idea what the 'A beginning foretold' is
as instant as the snap of fingers
clicked across a face.
The nuance said it all,
a between the lines reading of a love letter,
a castle sillouetted cloud in the sky.
The vine image seems more central, so I wonder the castle-silhouetted cloud is a distraction.
It grew like a plant living beside a waterfall,
clinging and lush.
I would assume this refers to plant, but given its location, this should refer to waterfall.
There's no heartshaped tin
filled with a ticket stub history,
This is a very good image.
just memory shaped tendrils
that curl through my mind.
There is a lot of development you can get out of these tendrils.
lol, thanks, but I think I'm all tendrilled out. (its a phrase, I just made it up)
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