My Note

[TheWall0912]

I write
the only thing I can think of.

My thoughts hidden inside my head,
unable to make their way
onto the paper
that loved ones will read.

As I write,
I feel all my pain
exit through my fingertips
and into the pen.

My words
dripping, in the form of ink,
onto the paper,
staining it black.

I write,
"Goodbye."

[Todd]

Okay, suicide note. This has some good potential.

I'd be tempted to rename the poem to something more evocative. Maybe modify a line of yours that I like:

Exits Through My Fingertips

Then you could start with:

into the pen

Some more comments below:

I write
the only thing I can think of.

My thoughts hidden inside my head,
unable to make their way
onto the paper
that loved ones will read.--I'd like less step by step and more halting delivery. For illustration only this could be: These thoughts loved ones will read. The opening you currently have could be compressed to something like this. There's a little too much filler/redundancy at the moment in my opinion. The poem could be tightened for better effect.

As I write,
I feel all my pain--Rather than generic pain go for something more specific
exit through my fingertips--I like this image
and into the pen.

My words
dripping, in the form of ink,--I don't think you need to add the "in the form of ink" I think dripping implies blood and that should be enough here. The rest of this works for me.
onto the paper,
staining it black.

I write,
"Goodbye."--nice ending

Just some thoughts to consider.

Best,

Todd

[Bunx]

Thewall.
these poems usually put me on edge. but this one has a strange calming effect
"My thoughts hidden inside my head,
unable to make their way
onto the paper
that loved ones will read."
to relate this to a personal experience.
When I was dipicote (SP?) i felt like i could not articulate anything. writing a poem was impossible. this was by far the darkest time in my adult life. I felt but could not say how I felt.
You captured this emotion so well in the poem. like having chains on your fingers and your lips, helpless to ones former intellect.
This is a good poem the wall thanks for the post

[TheWall0912]

Thewall.
these poems usually put me on edge. but this one has a strange calming effect
"My thoughts hidden inside my head,
unable to make their way
onto the paper
that loved ones will read."
to relate this to a personal experience.
When I was dipicote (SP?) i felt like i could not articulate anything. writing a poem was impossible. this was by far the darkest time in my adult life. I felt but could not say how I felt.
You captured this emotion so well in the poem. like having chains on your fingers and your lips, helpless to ones former intellect.
This is a good poem the wall thanks for the post

Wow, I really appreciate your response. I think I still have some editing to do, but I'm really glad I connected with you that much through this piece so far. I have had dark times as well, it helps me to write about them.

[Bunx]

ya for sure! even when your fingers won't work