Color Me

[newsclippings]

edited

Upon a pale pink plastic bin,
the back of which befits
a banded silk castle for one
black spider; beautiful--
will bleach her later,
as to not hear the crunch.

I moon, an artful relief,
realizing my week, not new,
recycled like an old man's
tattered pants, twisting one out to Kant
before his heart cramps, limp dicked.

I do not listen to death,
because I find fun watching bodies
writhe, squirm, finally fluoresce.

---

See the pale pink plastic bin?
in back is a home befitting
one black spider; beautiful--
I will bleach her later,
as to not hear the crunch.

I moon, an artful relief,
realizing my week, not new,
recycled like an old man's
tattered pants, twisting one out to Kant
before his heart cramps, limp dicked.

I will not listen to death,
but there is fun in watching them
writhe, squirm, finally fluoresce.


Color her cornered,
color him confused.
Color her barren,
color him bruised.

[billy]

i quite like the horror of it. i'm sure Kant would be giggling as he slowly spun in his grave
there's more commas in the 2nd than there is coffee in brazil. is there any way of giving the reader a better breath?

thanks on Kant's behalf for the read and for twisting one out :J:

See the pale pink plastic bin? not sure [see] is needed
in back is a home befitting o wonder if it needs a bit more in order to make it clear it's home is in the back of it.
one black spider; beautiful--
I will bleach her later, this rings so true and so damn cruel
as to not hear the crunch. this line makes it less cruel but i as the reader knows the narrator doesn't want to look cruel

I moon, an artful relief,
realizing my week, not new,
recycled like an old man's
tattered pants, twisting one out to Kant this got a laugh from me.
before his heart cramps, limp dicked. this got a louder one

I will not listen to death,
but there is fun in watching them
writhe, squirm, finally fluoresce.

---

Color her cornered,
color him confused.
Color her barren,
color him bruised. i'm not sure how this part should be read ?

[newsclippings]

I dunno about the commas. Maybe I should let up?

I had quite a bit of trouble with the first two lines. There's another version where I call out "Hark!"
Because why not?

I thought the last four lines might be read as a hymn, that's how I said them in my head.

[billy]

(in connection with the him)

i'm not a master when it comes to punctuation so i can only say how all the commars affect me

back to the hymn, why segregate it from the poem with an hr line? why not leave a little extra line spaces.

i think the first line is okay and the 2nd line could be

[in its back a home befitting]

[TheWall0912]

See the pale pink plastic bin?
in back is a home befitting
one black spider; beautiful--
I will bleach her later, This line and the next are perfect.
as to not hear the crunch.
I like this stanza because it holds true for a lot of people, at least I think.

I moon, an artful relief,
realizing my week, not new,
recycled like an old man's Great description here, I get a really clear image. Well done.
tattered pants, twisting one out to Kant
before his heart cramps, limp dicked.

I will not listen to death,
but there is fun in watching them
writhe, squirm, finally fluoresce.
This stanza is also very true. It's chilling. I too get joy from watching spiders (and most other insects) writhe and squirm... This is definitely some food for thought.


Color her cornered,
color him confused.
Color her barren,
color him bruised.
I'm not sure whether you need this stanza or not. I'd probably get rid of it.

Overall, I really enjoyed the read. I thought you raised a topic generally looked past by most people and took it to another level, maybe even shed a new light on the subject. I don't have much critique to give you. Maybe, like billy said, try to clean up the commas in the second stanza. I'd also get rid of the last stanza. However, I like it the way it is, honestly. This is well written and it had just the right amount of imagery. Thanks for the read!

[newsclippings]

I'm glad you liked it.

I'll get rid of the last stanza if a few more people agree. I'm reluctant to because it's my favorite part the only part I like!

[Todd]

I'm not sure I'm fully connecting with the piece. I will probably make some interpretive moves that are unwarranted. I'll say that in advance.

See the pale pink plastic bin?
in back is a home befitting
one black spider; beautiful--
I will bleach her later,
as to not hear the crunch.--The key to my interpretation of this poem is color (thank you title). I think the narrator is essentially saying do you see this pale (weak not vibrant), pink (gender), plastic (not real just surface) bin (container for who I am, something someone has placed me in by their expectations). Inside I'm this beautiful black spider. I will drain "her" (me) of color bleach is a good word here, so that her death is noiseless. This is a silent, clean sort of death.

I moon, an artful relief,--"relief" like the sculpture I'm taking. Moon well like mooning something. I took this to mean there are parts of "her" that show through and cause some type of embarrassment I'm guessing more toward others than to herself
realizing my week, not new,
recycled like an old man's
tattered pants, twisting one out to Kant--I like the pants image quite a bit.
before his heart cramps, limp dicked.--Interesting view of Kant. Cramped heart, limp dicked could deal with how the idea of moral goodness is trapped between our intentions. Though I really don't feel like considering Kant more fully at the moment.

I will not listen to death,
but there is fun in watching them
writhe, squirm, finally fluoresce.--Now we are back to the spider and how we strive to torment and kill our true selves. Fluoresce is a great word given how color doesn't exist without light. The spider is black but maybe in its crushing it emits light exposing more color. I'm probably rambling. I think this might be your ending line. I don't mind the color lines below but I would be tempted to move them up before this strophe.


Color her cornered,
color him confused.
Color her barren,
color him bruised.--These tell me that it is a relationship that has caused this suppression. Probably romantic in nature with barren rather than parental.

I hope some of the comments were helpful. My interpretation might be fully off.

Best,

Todd

[newsclippings]

I'm not sure I'm fully connecting with the piece. I will probably make some interpretive moves that are unwarranted. I'll say that in advance.

See the pale pink plastic bin?
in back is a home befitting
one black spider; beautiful--
I will bleach her later,
as to not hear the crunch.--The key to my interpretation of this poem is color (thank you title). I think the narrator is essentially saying do you see this pale (weak not vibrant), pink (gender), plastic (not real just surface) bin (container for who I am, something someone has placed me in by their expectations). Inside I'm this beautiful black spider. I will drain "her" (me) of color bleach is a good word here, so that her death is noiseless. This is a silent, clean sort of death.

I moon, an artful relief,--"relief" like the sculpture I'm taking. Moon well like mooning something. I took this to mean there are parts of "her" that show through and cause some type of embarrassment I'm guessing more toward others than to herself
realizing my week, not new,
recycled like an old man's
tattered pants, twisting one out to Kant--I like the pants image quite a bit.
before his heart cramps, limp dicked.--Interesting view of Kant. Cramped heart, limp dicked could deal with how the idea of moral goodness is trapped between our intentions. Though I really don't feel like considering Kant more fully at the moment.

I will not listen to death,
but there is fun in watching them
writhe, squirm, finally fluoresce.--Now we are back to the spider and how we strive to torment and kill our true selves. Fluoresce is a great word given how color doesn't exist without light. The spider is black but maybe in its crushing it emits light exposing more color. I'm probably rambling. I think this might be your ending line. I don't mind the color lines below but I would be tempted to move them up before this strophe.


Color her cornered,
color him confused.
Color her barren,
color him bruised.--These tell me that it is a relationship that has caused this suppression. Probably romantic in nature with barren rather than parental.

I hope some of the comments were helpful. My interpretation might be fully off.

Best,

Todd

You are helping me realize some missed connections here. I'm really humbled that you'd take the time out to do this, Todd. It also helps to know you're not connecting. I'm probably going to scrap the last lines and rework the whole piece.

[Bunx]

See the pale pink plastic bin?
in back is a home befitting
one black spider; beautiful--
I will bleach her later, awesome alliteration! i feel bad for the spider, hopefully he is out to lunch
as to not hear the crunch.

I moon, an artful relief,
realizing my week, not new,
recycled like an old man's
tattered pants, twisting one out to Kant pretty sure your making a reference to Emanuel Kant? Not sure? did Kants deaths have to do with a limp dick, ah i wish i knew the reference
before his heart cramps, limp dicked.

I will not listen to death,
but there is fun in watching them "Them" is an interesting world, when you say "them" do the mean the deceased?
writhe, squirm, finally fluoresce.


Color her cornered,
color him confused.
Color her barren,
color him bruised.

Really enjoyed this poem. I wish i could offer more of the structural and rhythmic side of the poem, but regardless i found the poem easy to read yet mysterious. I think if i knew a little bit more about the reference to Kant i would understand the poem on a deeper level. Anyways! awesome post.

[newsclippings]

There's something funny about having an old man cumming to the thought of Kant on the basis of autonomous will.

Thanks Bunx.
I've since edited this piece. I don't think it offers more clarity, but I haven't really worked through any ways to alleviate the concepts.