Summer Nights edit1cs,ellajam
#1
9PM
The air itself was choked that night,
it lay unmoving hot and moist;
slumped across the smoke-hazed town,
in doorways meshed against the fly,
in river loops and forest depths,
on soft road tar, in steamed-up cars.
Though summer wheezed in pollen fog,
sweat-drenched labour smoked in bars,
and swilled back warm, black, city ale.

10PM
Youth in prime dismay of life
moped about for cooler haunts;
then flushed and florid, melded in
to strolling, shiftless, aimless gangs,
as hormones lost the heat-sapped war.
Extinguished by the press of night
the flame of impulse flickered out
with every parting shadow shift,
‘till only one or two kicked cans
along the slickly shining street.

11PM
Soon the spill of last-to-leaves
broke into maudling, raucous song.
They laughed at metaphors for moons,
Belisha Becon, Orange friend;
then crossed in safety. Off and on,
the flashing amber fired each face.
In bonded knots they stumbled home
each sharing legs from either side,
'til in the distance they were gone.
Without the living on the streets
the silence added to the heat.

12 Midnight
No one stirred in cramped, dank rooms
with peeling walls and curtained beds,
where ceiling fans clanked slowly round
in futile hope of moving air;
they lay in salt-steeped, lucid dreams,
pickled from the inside out, and outside in.
How fitfully a toss or cough
disturbs the suffocating sleep.
Each bladder warning opens eyes;
invokes the same incanted prayer.
Just end the night, just send the dawn,
bring one more morning, cool and fair.

Original

9PM
The air itself was choked that night,
it lay unmoving hot and moist;
slumped across the smoke-hazed town,
in doorways meshed against the fly,
in river loops and forest depths,
on soft road tar, in steamed-up cars.
Though summer wheezed in pollen fog,
sweat-drenched labour smoked in bars,
and swilled back warm, black, hop-dry ale.

10PM
Youth in prime dismay of life
moped about for cooler haunts;
then flushed and florid, melted in
to strolling, shiftless, aimless gangs,
as hormones lost the heat-sapped war.
Extinguished by the press of night
the flame of impulse faded out
with every parting shadow shift
‘till only one or two kicked cans
along the slickly shining street.

11PM
Soon the spill of last-to-leaves
broke out with dire homeward hymns.
Some sang drunk metaphors for moon,
belisha becon, orange friend;
yet staggered, thankful, where he shone.
Aglow in sickly sodium light
they stumbled on in friendly knots,
each sharing legs from either side,
until the distance took them… gone.
Without the living on the streets
the silence added to the heat.

12 PM
Not one soul stirred, but in the rooms
with peeling walls and curtained beds,
where ceiling fans limped clanking round
in futile hope of moving air;
they lay in salt-steeped, sleeping dreams,
pickled from the inside out, and outside in.
How fitfully a toss or turn
or cough disturbs the fragile state.
Each wide-sprung eye, each bladder cry,
invokes the same incanted prayer.
Just end the night, just send the dawn,
bring one more morning, cool and fair.

Summer 2013
tectak
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#2
Hi, first read, 12 AM?
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips

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#3
(10-05-2013, 03:42 AM)ellajam Wrote:  Hi, first read, 12 AM?

Hmmmmm. credit to you.Smile Midnight!
Best,
tectak
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#4
I read this earlier and see that you made some edits. This is almost prose for you... NOT! There was a nice flow in the near 8-syl quadrameric lines. That's quite the heat wave you depict as well. I had a few stutter steps:

9PM
The air itself was choked that night,
it lay unmoving hot and moist;
slumped across the smoke-hazed town,
in doorways meshed against the fly,
in river loops and forest depths,
on soft road tar, in steamed-up cars.
Though summer wheezed in pollen fog,
sweat-drenched labour smoked in bars,
and swilled back warm, black, hop-dry ale. this is almost a tongue twister, too many adjectives, perhaps more action

10PM
Youth in prime dismay of life
moped about for cooler haunts;
then flushed and florid, melted in
to strolling, shiftless, aimless gangs,
as hormones lost the heat-sapped war.
Extinguished by the press of night
the flame of impulse faded out
with every parting shadow shift
‘till only one or two kicked cans
along the slickly shining street. smooth and oozing alliteration in this stanza

11PM
Soon the spill of last-to-leaves
broke out with dire homeward hymns. 'hymns' sounds too stiff and relegious (chants, tunes..)
Some sang drunk metaphors for moon, I would drop the 'sang' and add 'the' before moon
belisha becon, orange friend; this is a great phrase and image!
yet staggered, thankful, where he shone. some confusion between staggered and he shone, maybe 'they staggerd'
Aglow in sickly sodium light can you replace sickly with some heat adjective?
they stumbled on in friendly knots,
each sharing legs from either side,
until the distance took them… gone. the ellipsis and gone? why not just took them home
Without the living on the streets
the silence added to the heat.

12 Midnight
Not one soul stirred, but in the rooms
with peeling walls and curtained beds,
where ceiling fans limped clanking round
in futile hope of moving air;
they lay in salt-steeped, sleeping dreams,
pickled from the inside out, and outside in.
How fitfully a toss or turn
or cough disturbs the fragile state.
Each wide-sprung eye, each bladder cry, sorry, but that wide-sprung eye and bladder cries Penis
invokes the same incanted prayer.
Just end the night, just send the dawn,
bring one more morning, cool and fair.

Thank goodness Autumn is here! Nice
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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#5
Tom,

Blank verse tetrameter, although you do drop into a type of rhyme at 11pm.
Yes, very swelteringly morose. Much use of alliteration.

"pickled from the inside out, and outside in." I count 6 feet, how many do you count?

"Orange" nearly threw me off until I remembered that some of you make two syllables of the word.

Very picturesque I suppose, but the focus wanders so I have trouble being able to make good use of your images. 10pm had that sort of "West Side Story" feel to it, but after that nothing really seemed to hold it together.


Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#6
(10-08-2013, 12:17 PM)Erthona Wrote:  Tom,

Blank verse tetrameter, although you do drop into a type of rhyme at 11pm.
Yes, very swelteringly morose. Much use of alliteration.

"pickled from the inside out, and outside in." I count 6 feet, how many do you count?

"Orange" nearly threw me off until I remembered that some of you make two syllables of the word.

Very picturesque I suppose, but the focus wanders so I have trouble being able to make good use of your images. 10pm had that sort of "West Side Story" feel to it, but after that nothing really seemed to hold it together.


Dale
Its indulgent. Gimmicky 9 line,10 line,11 line, 12 line. I was trying to make a point. Poetry by everything except discipline. No one bit. Not even you.Smile
Pickled line half foot short of six but who'se counting?
Funny thing, and you may have had this before...just like shit, rhyme happens. It has (is) been a great summer in the UK. I don't like towns but had to spend a night in Halifax....this is that.
Thanks for taking the time to hack at it. Is it worth editing?
Best,
tectak.
(How is Venus? I will visit. I went away and it set. )
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#7
(10-08-2013, 04:11 PM)tectak Wrote:  
(10-08-2013, 12:17 PM)Erthona Wrote:  Tom,

Blank verse tetrameter, although you do drop into a type of rhyme at 11pm.
Yes, very swelteringly morose. Much use of alliteration.

"pickled from the inside out, and outside in." I count 6 feet, how many do you count?

"Orange" nearly threw me off until I remembered that some of you make two syllables of the word.

Very picturesque I suppose, but the focus wanders so I have trouble being able to make good use of your images. 10pm had that sort of "West Side Story" feel to it, but after that nothing really seemed to hold it together.


Dale
Its indulgent. Gimmicky 9 line,10 line,11 line, 12 line. I was trying to make a point. Poetry by everything except discipline. No one bit. Not even you.Smile
Pickled line half foot short of six but who'se counting?
Funny thing, and you may have had this before...just like shit, rhyme happens. It has (is) been a great summer in the UK. I don't like towns but had to spend a night in Halifax....this is that.
Thanks for taking the time to hack at it. Is it worth editing?
Best,
tectak.
(How is Venus? I will visit. I went away and it set. )

Yes it is worth editing! This is a wonderful slice of Halifax on a steamy summer eve. I really enjoy your Norman Rockwell-ish poems. Now back to the editing desk with you! Tongue
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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