Problems and promises (Edit 1)

[Keith]

Edit 1

Run
Keep me from your skies,
fill my mouth with autumn,
hide silent in the forest,
until the twig snaps.

Run
Watch the oars drift away,
stay still within your seat,
tremble fingers on the surface,
wait for the fishes bite.

I'm sorry
Bind my hands too tight,
make my fists unfold.
Foundation on a bruise,
sunglasses for your lies.

I'm so sorry
Paper Mache masks,
stretched thin on balloons,
we'll dress Sunday best,
and forgive my abuse.

Help me
Find the bars that hold my page,
rage in every screw top bottle.
I am and I will always be so
let my feet find broken glass,
on every step I fail to take,
drench my shirt in stale pain,
but let my shadow feel again.

I promise
This time, things will be different.

Come here.

Original

Keep me from your clear skies,
fill my mouth with autumn,
hide silent in the forest,
until the twig snaps.

Bind my hands too tight,
draw a circle round our bed.
Foundation for a bruise,
sunglasses for your lies

Find the bars and build my cage,
rage in every screw top bottle,
let my feet find broken glass,
pass me to sweat and stench,
drench my shirt in stale pain,
forgive my monster once again.

[TheWall0912]

Keep me from your clear skies,
fill my mouth with autumn,
hide silent in the forest,
until the twig snaps.
I really like this stanza. I get a clear image in my head. Beautiful.

Bind my hands too tight,
draw a circle round our bed. I'm starting to wonder who you're telling to do these things? A lover perhaps? Maybe specify? Or did you want it to be implied?
Foundation for a bruise,
sunglasses for your lies This line gives me the chills. I like it.

Find the bars and build my cage,
rage in every screw top bottle,
let my feet find broken glass,
pass me to sweat and stench, I'm not feeling this line, but I don't have any suggestions on how to change it at the moment.
drench my shirt in stale pain, Really like this one!
forgive my monster once again. What did the narrator do? Why is there an issue?

I promise.

Hello,
Very good start! You don't have any depth though. Who is the narrator? Who is he speaking to? What happened between them? It just feels to me like there isn't any insight... It's all about feelings. That's okay with me but I feel like you could definitely take this to another level if you expanded on it. Give us a story! But that's just my opinion. Thanks for the read. I really enjoyed a lot of your lines and imagery!

[Keith]

Keep me from your clear skies,
fill my mouth with autumn,
hide silent in the forest,
until the twig snaps.
I really like this stanza. I get a clear image in my head. Beautiful.

Bind my hands too tight,
draw a circle round our bed. I'm starting to wonder who you're telling to do these things? A lover perhaps? Maybe specify? Or did you want it to be implied?
Foundation for a bruise,
sunglasses for your lies This line gives me the chills. I like it.

Find the bars and build my cage,
rage in every screw top bottle,
let my feet find broken glass,
pass me to sweat and stench, I'm not feeling this line, but I don't have any suggestions on how to change it at the moment.
drench my shirt in stale pain, Really like this one!
forgive my monster once again. What did the narrator do? Why is there an issue?

I promise.

Hello,
Very good start! You don't have any depth though. Who is the narrator? Who is he speaking to? What happened between them? It just feels to me like there isn't any insight... It's all about feelings. That's okay with me but I feel like you could definitely take this to another level if you expanded on it. Give us a story! But that's just my opinion. Thanks for the read. I really enjoyed a lot of your lines and imagery!

Thank you for your considered feedback, you make some clear points here that will help me with the edit expansion sounds to be the key. Many thanks TOMH