Posts: 22
Threads: 5
Joined: Aug 2013
I'm home
Returned from this madness
Returned from this living hell
How can any of you understand?
Really know what it's like
The despair
The hopelessness
The fear
My brothers
We are out there
Doing it together
Relying on each other
Trusting your mates with your life
What the hell would you lot know?
Rag-heads
They see it
The way they look at you
It's in their eyes
The hate
The pity
I'm scared
I want my mum
There's not much to it, but it's successful in a comic strip kind of way. Can you draw? Maybe you could send it to a newspaper.
Posts: 85
Threads: 22
Joined: Jun 2013
This is how many soldiers feel coming home; but, if you are a returning veteran, I want to know specifically why YOU feel this way. Tell us something about your experience, specifically.....a piece of you and no one else.
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
(08-14-2013, 06:07 AM)animasrwm Wrote: I'm home
Returned from this madness
Returned from this living hell
How can any of you understand?
Really know what it's like
The despair
The hopelessness
The fear
My brothers
We are out there
Doing it together
Relying on each other
Trusting your mates with your life
What the hell would you lot know?
Rag-heads
They see it
The way they look at you
It's in their eyes
The hate
The pity
I'm scared
I want my mum
It doesn't really say anything new, which isn't a big deal as poetry doesn't need to say anything at all. The real problem is the way it says it which is as dull as dried mud. Nothing really creative or imaginative at all, and that is where it fails. I would say try to think of some fresh wording, imagery - anything at all that is new and unique and start over.
Posts: 123
Threads: 15
Joined: Jun 2013
(08-14-2013, 06:07 AM)animasrwm Wrote: I'm home
Returned from this madness
Returned from this living hell
How can any of you understand?
The problem here is a lack of imagery to show the madness and living hell. based on the first two lines, the question is relevant because we really cant understand. Vague opening.
Really know what it's like
The despair
The hopelessness
The fear
These are common vague words. I believe you could come up with two good lines to show despair, hopelessness and fear without actually having to say those words.
My brothers
We are out there
Doing it together
Relying on each other
Trusting your mates with your life
What the hell would you lot know?
Okay, I like the confrontational tone of the questioning. You just need some firm standing to use it.
Rag-heads
They see it
The way they look at you us instead of you
It's in their eyes
The hate
The pity
I'm scared
I want my mum
I would lose the "I'm scared I want my mom" as the ending. just doesn't display that tough quality to match your confrontational questions. If your going to display that emotion, I would do it as an intro. and end with the rag heads bit. Some work here and you'll have a good quality effort. Right now, I agree, its generic and dull.
I once told this blond chick to screw in a light bulb..
She got naked and asked "how do I get in it?"
Posts: 22
Threads: 5
Joined: Aug 2013
(08-14-2013, 08:16 AM)rowens Wrote: There's not much to it, but it's successful in a comic strip kind of way. Can you draw? Maybe you could send it to a newspaper.
Thanks for the comment
(08-14-2013, 10:18 AM)Vistaldust Wrote: This is how many soldiers feel coming home; but, if you are a returning veteran, I want to know specifically why YOU feel this way. Tell us something about your experience, specifically.....a piece of you and no one else.
Thanks bud I'll take that on board
(08-14-2013, 11:55 AM)R.C. KITCHENS Wrote: (08-14-2013, 06:07 AM)animasrwm Wrote: I'm home
Returned from this madness
Returned from this living hell
How can any of you understand?
The problem here is a lack of imagery to show the madness and living hell. based on the first two lines, the question is relevant because we really cant understand. Vague opening.
Really know what it's like
The despair
The hopelessness
The fear
These are common vague words. I believe you could come up with two good lines to show despair, hopelessness and fear without actually having to say those words.
My brothers
We are out there
Doing it together
Relying on each other
Trusting your mates with your life
What the hell would you lot know?
Okay, I like the confrontational tone of the questioning. You just need some firm standing to use it.
Rag-heads
They see it
The way they look at you us instead of you
It's in their eyes
The hate
The pity
I'm scared
I want my mum
I would lose the "I'm scared I want my mom" as the ending. just doesn't display that tough quality to match your confrontational questions. If your going to display that emotion, I would do it as an intro. and end with the rag heads bit. Some work here and you'll have a good quality effort. Right now, I agree, its generic and dull.
Interesting last part to your comment I'll give this some thought now
(08-14-2013, 10:22 AM)milo Wrote: (08-14-2013, 06:07 AM)animasrwm Wrote: I'm home
Returned from this madness
Returned from this living hell
How can any of you understand?
Really know what it's like
The despair
The hopelessness
The fear
My brothers
We are out there
Doing it together
Relying on each other
Trusting your mates with your life
What the hell would you lot know?
Rag-heads
They see it
The way they look at you
It's in their eyes
The hate
The pity
I'm scared
I want my mum
It doesn't really say anything new, which isn't a big deal as poetry doesn't need to say anything at all. The real problem is the way it says it which is as dull as dried mud. Nothing really creative or imaginative at all, and that is where it fails. I would say try to think of some fresh wording, imagery - anything at all that is new and unique and start over.
I noted you picked up on the unimaginative aspect of war thats eacactly what i was trying to convey. That is what war is. Unimaginitive. It's a futile hopeless gesture where there are no winners so cheers you always wonder if people are going to pick these points up.
Thanks for the comment
