Television

[animasrwm]

I turn on my set
Children are dying on tv!
Christ whats happening?
Have we run out of reality tv shows?
A news reader stares into the lens

His eyes don't really care
Words fall from his mouth
Are you listening to what you're saying?
Children are dying on tv!
Now where's my lotto ticket
The numbers will be on in a minute.

[ellz483]

The grammar could use some patching- "have we RUN out of reality tv"

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^listened to what you're saying

[Bunx]

anima- awesome poem that brought up how the world of media and technology effect the first world. I like the fact that you used the juxtaposition between death and money as a means to weigh the human psyche. very fun to read.

I would suggest putting you gaint stanza into two for example

Television
I turn on my set
Children are dying on tv!
Christ whats happening?
Have we run out of reality tv shows?
A news reader stares into the lens

His eyes don't really care
Words fall from his mouth
Are you listening to what you're saying?
Children are dying on tv!
Now where's my lotto ticket
The numbers will be on in a minute.

this way your splitting your idea into two.
thanks alot for the post!

[rowens]

His eyes don't really care
Words fall from his mouth
Are you listening to what you're saying? The abrupt shift from third to second person is distracting
Children are dying on tv! This line is not believable the second time either
Now where's my lotto ticket
The numbers will be on in a minute.
[/quote]
[/quote]

Your over thinking it . See reply to post from Brunx

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I turn on my set
Children are dying on tv! Do you mean their deaths are being reported on tv? Or should I take this line literally?
Christ whats happening? You can afford to lose this line
Have we run out of reality tv shows? This rhetorical question seems extraneous
A news reader stares into the lens
His eyes don't really care
Words fall from his mouth
Are you listening to what you're saying? The abrupt shift from third to second person is distracting
Children are dying on tv! This line is not believable the second time either
Now where's my lotto ticket
The numbers will be on in a minute.

Over thinking it
[/quote]



Some of the quotes aren't working on this post. And parts we wrote won't show up.

[milo]

animasrwm,

Since you have so much trouble graciously accepting my critique, I will no longer offer any to you. All the best...-H

Good points, Fogglethorpe, as a reminder to posters in the critical forums:

Only post here if:
- you have read your poem and think it is free of basic errors --
- you post at least one considered, suitably detailed comment on someone else's poem in this or another critique forum before posting a poem of your own.
- you are ready to receive honest, detailed criticism of your poem
- you are prepared to accept advice and suggestions to edit your poem

Please remember that readers are doing you a favor. Ask for clarification by all means, but always graciously say thank you. If a reader finds problems with your writing, you should definitely consider how you can revise to improve, this is, after all, a work shopping forum.

[TheWall0912]

I turn on my set
Children are dying on tv! I like this line used here, but I'm going to have to agree that it isn't necessary to repeat it.
Christ whats happening?
Have we run out of reality tv shows?
A news reader stares into the lens

His eyes don't really care
Words fall from his mouth
Are you listening to what you're saying?
Children are dying on tv!
Now where's my lotto ticket I really like the way you ended this. I find it humorous, a kind of comic relief, because of how true it is of our culture. And it's sad really, that money is valued over other peoples well being.
The numbers will be on in a minute.

Thanks for the read! I really enjoyed this. I like the length too, you got the point across without any extra details. Short, sweet, and to the point. Nice job.

[animasrwm]

I turn on my set
Children are dying on tv! I like this line used here, but I'm going to have to agree that it isn't necessary to repeat it.
Christ whats happening?
Have we run out of reality tv shows?
A news reader stares into the lens

His eyes don't really care
Words fall from his mouth
Are you listening to what you're saying?
Children are dying on tv!
Now where's my lotto ticket I really like the way you ended this. I find it humorous, a kind of comic relief, because of how true it is of our culture. And it's sad really, that money is valued over other peoples well being.
The numbers will be on in a minute.

Thanks for the read! I really enjoyed this. I like the length too, you got the point across without any extra details. Short, sweet, and to the point. Nice job.

Thanks for the comments a few have mentioned about the use of the children dying on the second repeat. I was trying to convey that feeling of utter exasperation with what was being shown and how no one seems to care. A sort of screaming at the set. However when money comes into it ie the lottery all bets are off! So in the end do any of us really care?