love me yet?

[ScurryFunger]

1st revision

The depths of me I've trawled.
Can I make it so you remember me
and all the rest forget?
I'll take that silence as a no.
You don't love me yet.
What about if I declared that you were
just the best.

What if I was to show you
the depths to which I'd sink,
I'd become a smarming, charming,
echo of your ego,
you and me,
imperfect sync.

You'll never find another
to imprint so much your will,
they'd all fall beside the wayside,
but I would love you still.

Don't you really care?
Surely I've done enough
to change your mind,
to stroke you with a feathered touch
of irresistible pay me back
in kind emotions.

Don't lace your life with past regret,
I'm always here, I'm never far.
Why don't you love me yet?





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original

What does a person have to do
to get you enthralled?
I've sunk lower than I ever have before,
turned into a bottom feeder,
the depths of me I've trawled.

Can I make it so you remember me
and all the rest forget?

I'll take that silence as a no.
You don't love me yet.

What about if I declared that you were
just the best,
a head and shoulders
nothing to do with stature,
high above the rest.
Would that work?
It could ingratiate me to you
(I love to feel your smirk)
How about if I danced,
a tap dance just for you,
in a spotlight of my making,
in a wrung out sepia hue.

No?
Don't love me yet then?

What if I was to show you
the depths to which I'd sink,
I'd become a smarming, charming,
echo of your ego,
you and me,
imperfect sync.

Why don't you feel enamoured?
I've knocked the competition,
those that clamoured
for your attention,
shown them up for the
less than me they are,
belittled them with the only aim
of showing me as star.

You still don't love me yet?

How can that be,
I am the perfect foil for you,
the one and only me!
You'll never find another
to imprint so much your will,
they'd all fall beside the wayside,
but I would love you still.

Don't you really care?
Surely I've done enough
to change your mind,
to lay bare,
to stroke you with a feathered touch
of lightened, heightened,
irresistible pay me back
in kind emotions.

Don't lace your life with past regret,
I'm always here,
I'm never far.

Why don't you love me yet?








I wrote this for someone who realised that my tongue was very firmly in my cheek.

I'd welcome any feedback as to how it reads to other people.

[rowens]

Maybe you could drop off some of the excess rhythm. Like:


What does a person have to do
to get you enthralled?
I've sunk lower than I ever have before,
turned into a bottom feeder.

and

a head and shoulders
nothing to do with stature,
high above the rest.
Would that work?
It could ingratiate me to you
(I love to feel your smirk)
How about if I danced,
a tap dance just for you,
in a spotlight of my making.

and

Why don't you feel enamoured?
I've knocked the competition,
those that clamoured
for your attention,
shown them up for the
less than me they are.

Make it less sing-song like.

[ScurryFunger]

Maybe you could drop off some of the excess rhythm. Like:


What does a person have to do
to get you enthralled?
I've sunk lower than I ever have before,
turned into a bottom feeder.

and

a head and shoulders
nothing to do with stature,
high above the rest.
Would that work?
It could ingratiate me to you
(I love to feel your smirk)
How about if I danced,
a tap dance just for you,
in a spotlight of my making.

and

Why don't you feel enamoured?
I've knocked the competition,
those that clamoured
for your attention,
shown them up for the
less than me they are.

Make it less sing-song like.

what do ya reckon

[rowens]

There are lots of things you could do with it. The rhymes and rhythm make it feel careless, but it depends on how tongue in cheek you want it to be. You have a lot of stuff to work with. Unless you're satisfied.

[ScurryFunger]

There are lots of things you could do with it. The rhymes and rhythm make it feel careless, but it depends on how tongue in cheek you want it to be. You have a lot of stuff to work with. Unless you're satisfied.

Lots of things?
Ah, I wrote it carelessly, so I did.
It was tongue in cheek - to the max. lol
I blurt 'em all out in one quick go so... I might be satisfied, I might not, it varies.

Thanks for the comments, if you have any ideas on betterment, I'm up for 'em.