The bully

[hodgepodge]

This is more of a spoken word poem, but I would still like feedback. This is the first poem I have every wrote. Free verse, and it's kinda long but please read the whole thing lol. PS it may be a little confusing

The Bully-
The bully gets up and stares at his next victim
"Look at yourself, you are the trifecta-
ugly, stupid, and weak
get yourself together, u are an incompetent, self-serving,
unresponsible human beeing that should be demolished from this world
so lets talk specifically about your problems
u only take selfies when you draw anti-art on your face seeking
to hide your ugly-marks, your pimples, your chapped lips, and
your droopy eyes. when will you recognize that make-up makes you
look down. dont try to hold back your tears because your eyes are like
geysers so you must let them flow. the tears you cry remind me of the flood that God has sent. u r hoping to wipe out all the evil in the world but you must recognize that Noah's ark has already set sail and you are not a passenger. maybe your ugliness could be cured by God but you have turned your back to him way too many times i think there is no way to make youurself look beautiful because you are eternally ugly

ok enough of your looks, lets talk abouot ur mind
you are so stupid that u can bareli spell
ur brain only works as good as a monkey's
how stupid are you? you say "you is" instead of "you are"
do you even now grammer?
how dumb are you that you cant see that you should live a normal life
no wonder you dropped out of school, becuase you will never be smart

you know wat lets go back to your looks
your body is soo small like dude you are frail
i can buy your arms with a side of meatballs at an italian restuarant
if you get sentenced to jail you might just end up pregnant
you idiot dont you know you will never survive
even though you feel alive im warning you to strive to revive those muscles
but i know you wont, because you are weak

u are weak not only physically, but emotionally
u cry all the time when someone slightly hurts you
u are the biggest hypocrite, making fun of others all the time,
well now it's your turn to get bullied, maybe now you will understand
that you are not the victim, maybe now you will see how much pain you have caused, maybe now you will open your eyes and not be blinded by
the tv light that has turned you into a slave u imbesile
maybe now you will see the sea sparkling and you will appreciate how
great everything is around u, but maybe now you will see that you do not belong in this world
listen man, u might as well kill yourself...you are a worthless human being, you do not deserve to live..you must die..maybe now you realize
what you must do and stop crying"

"Yess I do," responds the victim.
The bully looks away from the mirror, aims the gun at the victim's head
and commits suicide

[hodgepodge]

Wow thanks wow1500...I just started writing so I don't know much about poetry, it was more of me just writing down my ideas, but I'm glad you liked it! I'm going to take a look at your poems soon!

[R.C. KITCHENS]

hodgepodge, The Milo forum rules require you to have a minimum of 50 post's with an acceptable ratio of those post being critique. It helps to read the "Read Me" threads before posting.

[milo]

I am moving this thread to novice. Please read the forum rules. /mod

[hodgepodge]

Sorry....but any critics milo or R.C. KITCHENS?

[milo]

Sorry....but any critics milo or R.C. KITCHENS?

management usually requests I stay out of novice due to all the crying and running away it causes but if you are up for it, I might take a crack at it later.

[hodgepodge]

don't worry I am new to this so I actually need help lol...Thanks!

[hodgepodge]

but really, can anyone help? because Im trying to condense this into poem form if this is too much because i dont really know how to write poetry

[tectak]

Wow thanks wow1500...I just started writing so I don't know much about poetry, it was more of me just writing down my ideas, but I'm glad you liked it! I'm going to take a look at your poems soon!

This is turning into a sarcasm contest. Can you both straighten up and fly right.
mod

[milo]

Wow thanks wow1500...I just started writing so I don't know much about poetry, it was more of me just writing down my ideas, but I'm glad you liked it! I'm going to take a look at your poems soon!

This is turning into a sarcasm contest. Can you both straighten up and fly right.
mod

this seems unlikely as you are addressing a banned plagiarist, but, hey, you never know . . .

[tectak]

Wow thanks wow1500...I just started writing so I don't know much about poetry, it was more of me just writing down my ideas, but I'm glad you liked it! I'm going to take a look at your poems soon!

This is turning into a sarcasm contest. Can you both straighten up and fly right.
mod

this seems unlikely as you are addressing a banned plagiarist, but, hey, you never know . . .

Yeh... but you know what these plagiarists are like...they never stop reading other people's words!
Irresistable.
tectak

[R.C. KITCHENS]

Alright hodgepodge, I got a minute to look at your poem.

This is more of a spoken word poem, but I would still like feedback. This is the first poem I have every wrote. Free verse, and it's kinda long but please read the whole thing lol. PS it may be a little confusing

The Bully-
The bully gets up and stares at his next victim
I would change up this first line, lose "bully" and use a
name. why was he down on the ground/floor or sitting?
"Look at yourself, you are the trifecta-
ugly, stupid, and weak
I don't like "trifecta" it's more of a horse betting terminology and seems to take the focus away from what your really trying to say as in "Look at yourself, you are ugly, stupid, and weak."

get yourself together, uyou are an incompetent, self-serving,
unresponsible human beeing that should be demolished from this world
I think ugly, stupid and weak sums it up. you could lose the lines above and maybe use some imagery instead to show us what makes him incompetent, irresponsible instead of unresponsible.
so lets talk specifically about your problems
uyouonly take selfies when you draw anti-art on your face seeking
to hide your ugly-marks, your pimples, your chapped lips, and
your droopy eyes.this is better imagery, could be useful for
the character development, I would have a better placement of it though, maybe, somewhere in the first series of sentences.

when will you recognize that make-up makes you
look down.this doesn't work, make up makes you look down. I wouldn't use make/ makeup in the same line and how does make up reveal the characteristics of looking down?

dont try to hold back your tears because your eyes are like
geysers so you must let them flow. the tears you cry remind me of the flood that God has sent.
I would just use something simplified and quick "when you cry it reminds me of "insert metaphor here" The whole 4 lines above need to be reworked..
u r "you are" hoping to wipe out all the evil in the world but you must recognize that Noah's ark has already set sail and you are not a passenger. maybe your ugliness could be cured by God but you have turned your back to him way too many times i think there is no way to make youurself look beautiful because you are eternally ugly
I would cut all this above and start over. It's just to much God and Noah and really doesn't get anything concrete across. Better imagery can be achieved with less words.

ok enough of your looks, lets talk abouot uryour mind
you are so stupid that u can bareli spell
If the misspellings are on purpose, there not very effective for any purpose. Just makes you seem lazy.
ur brain only works as good as a monkey's
how stupid are you? you say "you is" instead of "you are"
do you even now grammer?
This is just illiteracy. I would chop these three lines and work on trying to tell a story through this effort by using imagery to show us the bully externally and internally.
how dumb are you that you cant see that you should live a normal life
no wonder you dropped out of school, becuase you will never be smart

you know wat lets go back to your looks
your body is soo small like dude you are frail
i can buy your arms with a side of meatballs at an italian restuarant
if you get sentenced to jail you might just end up pregnant
you idiot dont you know you will never survive
even though you feel alive im warning you to strive to revive those muscles
but i know you wont, because you are weak

u are weak not only physically, but emotionally
u cry all the time when someone slightly hurts you
u are the biggest hypocrite, making fun of others all the time,
well now it's your turn to get bullied, maybe now you will understand
that you are not the victim, maybe now you will see how much pain you have caused, maybe now you will open your eyes and not be blinded by
the tv light that has turned you into a slave u imbesile
maybe now you will see the sea sparkling and you will appreciate how
great everything is around u, but maybe now you will see that you do not belong in this world
listen man, u might as well kill yourself...you are a worthless human being, you do not deserve to live..you must die..maybe now you realize
what you must do and stop crying"

"Yess I do," responds the victim.
The bully looks away from the mirror, aims the gun at the victim's head
and commits suicide

I would lose all that I didn't comment on after my last bold comment. It really is just rubbish. I like the idea you have but this piece needs some serious revamping before it is worthy of some beneficial critique. I would use the concept and start over with a more simplified effort and build a story around that character so it shows us a bully through images and emotions. Take my advice if you choose too, Just my opinions.