Etheree

[Martyr]

Cold
Loveless
Your face turns
You think of me
You stare in my eyes
Yet you glare right through me
I’m in trouble for something
Properly something I didn't do
In your eyes I’m guilty already
And never ever to be forgiven
You won’t even let me know what it is
No matter how much I beg and cry
It’s like I’m not worth anything
Like what we have means nothing
And nothing is what’s left
Nothing left to give
Nothing to take
Emptiness
Loveless
Cold

[ChristopherSea]

I believe this is actually a double etheree. Starting four lines in a row with your, you, you, yet is not inventive or pleasing enough. The same is true for the lines with something, (probably?) something, anything, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. That's what I thought that I heard herein, i.e., something about nothing. Don't capitalize every line, use periods and commas. Until you master their usage, we all need them. Don't conform to a form. Your open and close could be part of sentences, not just word lists. I would not give up on this. Write it again in sentences with thoughts and images, then arrange it into the form. Cheers!

[billy]

hi martr.

any effort to master something is great.
i read the comments and have to agree with them.
i think with a form like this where you have 1,2,3 and 4 syllable lines etc, you should try and make every word count. go for images if possible. lines like you stare in my eyes isn't the strongest of images. make the poem stronger.

it's a double etheree...(i'm not a genius, i had to looked it up)

Cold
Loveless
Your face turns
You think of me
You stare in my eyes
Yet you glare right through me
I’m in trouble for something
Properly something I didn't do probably
In your eyes I’m guilty already
And never ever to be forgiven
You won’t even let me know what it is
No matter how much I beg and cry
It’s like I’m not worth anything
Like what we have means nothing
And nothing is what’s left
Nothing left to give
Nothing to take the the four nothings don't do the poem any favours.
Emptiness
Loveless
Cold

[Martyr]

I didn't pick up on the typo, even though I checked it numerous times. So that is slightly embarrassing. It is a double and i probably (correct use this time), should of mentioned that. I was asked to wright a love poem and this was my attempt. I really appreciate the the comments and the time used to look over it. I will be reworking it and taking your comments heavily into consideration.
Thank you.
fogglethorpe
ChristopherSea
billy