Tin Roof Faith

[brandonalsip]

the radio static of rain on a tin roof
puts old fear in my heart from young days
spent questioning faith and praying
to a being that isn't quite being

safety! grant me safety!
In return I will believe,
I lied to myself.
that no one could hear me,
I was vaguely aware.
the comfort was foreign and fake
but all I had in an unforgiving storm
and for the time, it would do.

[Rain on the tin roof of a trailer sounds to me like white noise from a radio, a being that isn't quite being is describing god. I'm sure there will be something else no one can understand, since this is a pretty simple piece of writing and that seems to be the way it goes on here. Like it, hate it, improvements? I'm open to all. Just don't suggest a rhyme please.]

[animasrwm]

Hope you don't mind but played around with your
poem and it came out like this .to be honest I liked
the original and I also liked the collaboration
Hope your not offended , cheers


Rain on my tin roof like static
Strikes fear in my heart
From my youth
I question my faith but
I'm praying
To a god that ain't here in my room

Protect me Jesus please save me
In return I will always believe
I lie to myself
Ain't nobody to hear
My comfort is foreign and fake

[Martyr]

I like the image of 'radio static rain'. It seems almost like a felt sense of helplessness (when the t.v gets white noise and you cant find the remote). A lie is told in order to be provided security from the storm. Questions faith while in prayer. Brandon I like your last line because it shows that the individual, while being uncertain and continues to question his faith, finds some sort of contentment. Its slightly uplifting (very slightly). Its kind of positive; "and for the time, it would do".
"It would do", makes me think "it is good enough".
Anyway, that was mostly me thinking out loud.

[Snags]

If anyone really needs your explanation of those two lines, I'm not sure they should be commenting

I think it would help clarity and flow if you used capitalisation correctly/conventionally. Having punctuation marks, but no capitals following period etc. is unsettling when reading; it's easy to wrongly join lines that are intended to be separate, which then confuses meaning. That might be a deliberate effect but it doesn't appear to be so here - it just comes across as a little lazy/careless, not even affected.

If you have a strong reason to not capitalise at the start of sentences, I would break the second stanza after the third line. Otherwise there's a tendency to read three and four as linked, which totally reverses your meaning.

I'd also consider a semi-colon after "storm" to better link the closing segment.

There's a really interesting undercurrent in the comfort being "foreign and fake". The meaning and image comes over very well, yet at the same time raises questions - this is something you do naturally, so why is it foreign? Fake is easy, but foreign? Interesting choice of word!

There's also some nice ambiguity about the source of your fear. Ostensibly the weather, but also tied up with fear of God, fear of the unknown, of "power" etc. Or maybe that's me reading in stuff from outside from other cultural touching points.