Posts: 7
Threads: 2
Joined: Aug 2013
8
Fake name, fake face, just another one to my list
You accepted the challenge, never once did you resist
Twisted fantasies and a few compliments, pretty much the same old game
You knew nothing more than a phone number and name
They fell so deep, so hard and so quickly
I played on their emotions and got what I wanted so swiftly
I hid behind their face and let them persuade and convince
I prided myself in the game I had; why were they so dense
Do people really want love so bad that they’ll do anything?
They agreed to it all, they can’t place the blame on me
They lied to me; all the while I knew what really went on
Male or female they tried to manipulate me; how sad and wrong
I remember the first time I promised it would be my last
About 10 people later, the faces were blurred it happened so fast
Why subject yourself to abuse and cruel names
They all put with the same shit, no way am I to blame
I was the cousin or best friend, whatever made more sense
Our relationship was based on a false pretense
After I got what I wanted I was on the next
I just wanted to feel and touch their warm flesh
Be warned, nothing is ever as it seems
Yu never know truly who’s behind the screen.
7/27/13
Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
Yes the oldest game in the world, I like the ideas you have inside this eg the hidden faces and who is and isn't to blame and not being able to stop. it could be improved by cutting back some of the lines, I would target the ones that repeat the same message as a previous line and try to build in some images to make it more graphic for the reader. Its a good topic and you have some good stuff ripe for development. Many thanks for the read TOMH
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Posts: 69
Threads: 9
Joined: Aug 2013
(08-10-2013, 04:27 AM)amberdwn Wrote: 8
Fake name, fake face,
just another one to my list
You accepted the challenge,
never once did you resist
Twisted fantasies and a few compliments,
pretty much the same old game
You knew nothing more
than a phone number and name
They fell so deep, so hard and so quickly
I played on their emotions and got what I wanted so swiftly
I hid behind their face and let them persuade and convince
I prided myself in the game I had; why were they so dense
Do people really want love so bad that they’ll do anything?
They agreed to it all, they can’t place the blame on me
They lied to me; all the while I knew what really went on
Male or female they tried to manipulate me; how sad and wrong
I remember the first time I promised it would be my last
About 10 people later, the faces were blurred it happened so fast
Why subject yourself to abuse and cruel names
They all put with the same shit, no way am I to blame
I was the cousin or best friend, whatever made more sense
Our relationship was based on a false pretense
After I got what I wanted I was on the next
I just wanted to feel and touch their warm flesh
Be warned, nothing is ever as it seems
Yu never know truly who’s behind the screen.
7/27/13
I don't really feel qualified but I would break up the lines like I've done above for the first few, also, you start off rhyming well but then it gets a bit clunky and erratic.
Posts: 7
Threads: 2
Joined: Aug 2013
(08-11-2013, 12:44 AM)ScurryFunger Wrote: (08-10-2013, 04:27 AM)amberdwn Wrote: 8
Fake name, fake face,
just another one to my list
You accepted the challenge,
never once did you resist
Twisted fantasies and a few compliments,
pretty much the same old game
You knew nothing more
than a phone number and name
They fell so deep, so hard and so quickly
I played on their emotions and got what I wanted so swiftly
I hid behind their face and let them persuade and convince
I prided myself in the game I had; why were they so dense
Do people really want love so bad that they’ll do anything?
They agreed to it all, they can’t place the blame on me
They lied to me; all the while I knew what really went on
Male or female they tried to manipulate me; how sad and wrong
I remember the first time I promised it would be my last
About 10 people later, the faces were blurred it happened so fast
Why subject yourself to abuse and cruel names
They all put with the same shit, no way am I to blame
I was the cousin or best friend, whatever made more sense
Our relationship was based on a false pretense
After I got what I wanted I was on the next
I just wanted to feel and touch their warm flesh
Be warned, nothing is ever as it seems
Yu never know truly who’s behind the screen.
7/27/13
I don't really feel qualified but I would break up the lines like I've done above for the first few, also, you start off rhyming well but then it gets a bit clunky and erratic.
Everybody with an opinion is qualified so don't sell yourself short. After reviewing it again, i'd have to agree! It was smoother in the beginning and got long winded towards the end.
Thank you!
(08-10-2013, 11:49 PM)TimeOnMyHands Wrote: Yes the oldest game in the world, I like the ideas you have inside this eg the hidden faces and who is and isn't to blame and not being able to stop. it could be improved by cutting back some of the lines, I would target the ones that repeat the same message as a previous line and try to build in some images to make it more graphic for the reader. Its a good topic and you have some good stuff ripe for development. Many thanks for the read TOMH
It did get a little repetitive! I do agree; I'll definitely apply that to the next poem I write. Thank you for your feedback.
