Murder

[Zabrina]

The blood that is red of nature,
have shed and bled with true regret.
For when the night has howled and wept,
there is, forever, no more dream.

The object of deceit and guile,
snaked through and pierced into the zone.
Charmer puffed into the pungi,
commencing the calamity.

Impinged within the lifeless girl,
the specter saw the knife nested.
Nothingness filled the air, but just
a girl, a knife, no dream.

Charmer,lover and the culprit,
clothes stained with love or anger, dear?
Too much of love turned you mad, or
maybe too much of hate lingered.

I hope it makes sense. this is the first time i've tried using iambic tetrameter, well first time actually taking notice of the meter! haha i hope i used it correctly :S I tried to be creative in terms of metaphors and stuff but I don't know if it helped the poem communicate the story. I've read it a million times and convinced myself it does so it'd be nice to hear what you think :/ HALP

[rowens]

It seems you overdid it.

[hodgepodge]

"Impinged within the lifeless girl,
the specter saw the knife nested.
Nothingness filled the air, but just
a girl, a knife, no dream."

I feel that this stanza really brought the poem to life.....I really helped visualize a murder...Good poem

[Zabrina]

How was it overdone?

[rowens]

The form and the metaphors seem to get ahead of themselves. The metaphors seem more actual that what's actually happening, but maybe that's not bad, who knows? The lines could be less forced. And there are a few grammar errors.

[lighthouselipstick]

I respect the attempt to use any sort of meter, however, I would suggest not compromising flow and wording to keep it going.
There were definitely parts of this poem that I loved and made it come alive for me, but just some of the wording came of as peculiar.

[DestWrites]

I really like your poem, it is worded rather interesting-ley which attracts me to it.
I think you used imagery really well, I could see what was going on.
When it comes to iam pentam, you could use some improvement. To make it work you really need to think out the lines, syllables and all that fun stuff. It does not flow for me the way an iam pentam usually does.
Good job,
keep writing. .

[1skylande1]

Strong feeling and visualizable poem. Love it. (Visualizable is actually a word according to merriam webster dictionary)