Darkest Day
#1
Darkest Day

In loving memory of Silly, my bird.

The ominous clouds brew, icy darkness looms,
Evil cackle flashes sparks of its menacing fangs,
Sinking them deep into my soft yellow downy,
Yanking me apart, leaving me naked and lonely.

I shiver, tremble and chatter.
Mama, mama, where have you been?
I look at my nest up in the tree,
Mama, mama, why did you leave me?

Gnarled tree branches snatched away my home,
Clawing, ripping and towering tall over me,
The fall - blurred vision of trees, terror painfully gnaws,
Now, only, cold and numbness as I cannot feel my claws.

I inch forward slowly to find a worm.
Mama would have picked some for me.
But now, I scarce can see no hope,
The bittersweet taste of the worm makes me choke.

Suddenly, I find I am nestled in a little girl's hands.
The slightest tinge of warmth delights me,
Gently, she ruffles through my scarce feathers,
Puffing up, I brace the changing weather.

The pungent smell of the rain stings my nostrils,
I chirp helplessly in disgust,
Tears from the sky pelt on me, lashing out angrily,
I retreat, sink back in, and cry along silently.

Her home smells of fresh toast,
Mine smells of juicy worms, but I settle in anyway.
The fall has crushed my feet in its cruel hands,
My feet are broken, I cannot stand.

For the next few hours, I wallow in misery.
She knows nothing about my agonising pain,
But fits me into a sock to keep me warm,
As I listen to the sighing trees mourn.

The sock begins to feel cold and icy,
I try to swallow the slimy papaya she mushed,
But in my throat, the concoction swells and becomes thicker,
Burning sensation, daylight flickers.

I shiver, tremble and chatter.
Mama, mama, where have you been?
The rain distorts my view of my tree,
Mama, mama, why did you leave me?

Mama......
You guaranteed my freedom one day
You never said the price I had to pay
To never see another sun ray

Mama......
If my life were a thread, it would now have frayed
What little daylight I saw had become grey
And as I cuddled up and started to pray

Mama......
I became an angel today.
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#2
Sorry for your loss. Your piece has moments of color and sentiment. It is an interesting voice to take on as the bird. Those terminal rhyming couplets in your stanzas don't benefit the piece. There is some uneeded or awkward word groupings. For example, The ominous clouds brew, icy darkness looms. Use 'clouds brew icy darkness' or 'ominous clouds loom'. 'Evil cackle flashes sparks' slaps one with inelegance! Evil flashes would do. Clawing, ripping and towering is a no-go. INGs weaken their root word and create a real 'sawing' sound. Avoid them where possible. Claw, rip and tower is infinitely more effective! The Mama plea has some effectiveness, but it maybe overused herein. This poem is emotive and did move this reader.
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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#3
(08-08-2013, 07:09 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  Sorry for your loss. Your piece has moments of color and sentiment. It is an interesting voice to take on as the bird. Those terminal rhyming couplets in your stanzas don't benefit the piece. There is some uneeded or awkward word groupings. For example, The ominous clouds brew, icy darkness looms. Use 'clouds brew icy darkness' or 'ominous clouds loom'. 'Evil cackle flashes sparks' slaps one with inelegance! Evil flashes would do. Clawing, ripping and towering is a no-go. INGs weaken their root word and create a real 'sawing' sound. Avoid them where possible. Claw, rip and tower is infinitely more effective! The Mama plea has some effectiveness, but it maybe overused herein. This poem is emotive and did move this reader.

Thank you so much for your feedbackSmile greatly appreciate it!
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#4
to reinforce christophersea's feedback i'll just say 2nded.
beside his points, i'd say, beware of wordiness, beware of things that don't make sense (how would the bird know of socks or toast etc)
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