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You take your cue and my history is potted -
just tuck me away in your middle pocket.
How you chalk the tip before you bend and break;
I stand up to study the positions you take.
As we kiss I am cast upon cushioned walls
before coming to rest within gaping jaws.
Using top and bottom to maintain command
you pull me across with the bridge of your hand.
When the table’s cleared colours enter your face
and we share control of the bed and space.
Before criticising a person try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise that person, you are a mile away.... and you have their shoes.
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This is actually pretty good. There is quite a bit to like here.
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it's not the feedback forums here but i like it a lot. is there a half foot missing from the last line i wonder?
love the metaphor that runs through the whole poem.
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Thanks, Milo, Billy. I wasn't sure whether to put it in Serious or not, opted for Comedy in the end. I'm not mad about the final 2 lines, the rest is ok.
Before criticising a person try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise that person, you are a mile away.... and you have their shoes.
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I would say mild over serious, but there is nothing wrong with putting funny poems in the critique forums if you are interested in work shopping them.
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Hi ray, I really like the way you play with this one, very clever and a great title, definitely worth workshop me thinks but up to you. best TOMH
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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Thanks both. I'll just leave as is.
Before criticising a person try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise that person, you are a mile away.... and you have their shoes.
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Oh, I do like this one a lot. My favorite lines are probably the first two.
I'll be there in a minute.
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(08-09-2013, 04:38 PM)newsclippings Wrote: Oh, I do like this one a lot. My favorite lines are probably the first two.
Thanks. You have fine taste.
Before criticising a person try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise that person, you are a mile away.... and you have their shoes.
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(08-08-2013, 06:31 PM)ray Wrote: You take your cue and my history is potted -
just tuck me away in your middle pocket.
How you chalk the tip before you bend and break;
I stand up to study the positions you take.
As we kiss I am cast upon cushioned walls
before coming to rest within gaping jaws.
Using top and bottom to maintain command
you pull me across with the bridge of your hand.
When the table’s cleared colours enter your face
and we share control of the bed and space.
If I'm honest, I've only played pool in a pub and only watched snooker on the telly.
Way to go to try to make it 'sexy' though.
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(08-09-2013, 08:16 PM)ScurryFunger Wrote: (08-08-2013, 06:31 PM)ray Wrote:
If I'm honest, I've only played pool in a pub and only watched snooker on the telly.
Way to go to try to make it 'sexy' though.
Apparently, many British MPs found Margaret Thatcher sexy, so I haven't done anything special.
Before criticising a person try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise that person, you are a mile away.... and you have their shoes.
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Apparently, many British MPs found Margaret Thatcher sexy, so I haven't done anything special.
[/quote]
Apparently, many British people wanted to dance on Margaret Thatcher's grave, I never knew she played pool.
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(08-10-2013, 12:01 AM)ScurryFunger Wrote: Apparently, many British MPs found Margaret Thatcher sexy, so I haven't done anything special.
Apparently, many British people wanted to dance on Margaret Thatcher's grave, I never knew she played pool.
[/quote]
Yeah, she created her own very special cue. It stretched all the way to the Employment Exchange.
Before criticising a person try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise that person, you are a mile away.... and you have their shoes.
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I was halfway through this poem when I realised that it was about snooker/pool 
(08-08-2013, 06:31 PM)ray Wrote: You take your cue and my history is potted -
just tuck me away in your middle pocket. Very good half rhyme.
How you chalk the tip before you bend and break;
I stand up to study the positions you take.
As we kiss I am cast upon cushioned walls "Kiss" confused me. The only thing which could be described as kissing the ball (giggle) is the cue, not the person wielding it.
before coming to rest within gaping jaws. "Gaping jaws" is an excellent description of the entrance to a pool table's hole.
Using top and bottom to maintain command
you pull me across with the bridge of your hand.
When the table’s cleared colours enter your face Great line; almost kaleidoscopic.
and we share control of the bed and space.
Were the sexual undertones in this poem deliberate? A stupid question, perhaps, but I'll ask nonetheless. Critique is JMHO. Thank you for the read 
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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(08-10-2013, 09:05 PM)Heslopian Wrote: I was halfway through this poem when I realised that it was about snooker/pool
(08-08-2013, 06:31 PM)ray Wrote: You take your cue and my history is potted -
just tuck me away in your middle pocket. Very good half rhyme.
How you chalk the tip before you bend and break;
I stand up to study the positions you take.
As we kiss I am cast upon cushioned walls "Kiss" confused me. The only thing which could be described as kissing the ball (giggle) is the cue, not the person wielding it.
before coming to rest within gaping jaws. "Gaping jaws" is an excellent description of the entrance to a pool table's hole.
Using top and bottom to maintain command
you pull me across with the bridge of your hand.
When the table’s cleared colours enter your face Great line; almost kaleidoscopic.
and we share control of the bed and space.
Were the sexual undertones in this poem deliberate? A stupid question, perhaps, but I'll ask nonetheless. Critique is JMHO. Thank you for the read
Thanks, Heslopian. In snooker/pool, it is the balls that kiss, ricochet off each other.
Er, yes, the sexual undertones are what the poem is all about.
Before criticising a person try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise that person, you are a mile away.... and you have their shoes.
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Snooker? Wtf? Must be another one of those British things. Nice poem.
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