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Dusk,
youthful child.
Daughter of day.
Pale,
hauntingly innocent,
helplessly small
prey.
Caught,
captive of time.
Left to decay.
Withering,
Lost and forgotten
Wasting a-
way.
Alright, with the exception of some things I did as assignments in high school, this is my first poem. I wrote it a few months ago and wasn't very happy with it, got a bit discouraged and haven't wrote much since. I wanted to share a poem I was a bit closer to but I cant seem to write anything and I'm eager to post something for critique. This effort feels a bit cliche/insincere to me aswell as a bit clumsy but maybe it will resonant better with others, and at any rate I can get some outside opinions on it. Appreciate all feedback.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
hi makeshift
two things, you mention, cliche and insincere. i'm not sure it's clumsy.
i'm not sure how daughter of day ties into transient, in truth i'm not sure the title help at all.
back to things you mentioned, if you think they could be cliche or insincere then they probably are. it's also forced in places. it needs a cause, it's a bone without muscle. it's okay if you flesh it out and connect the dots. at present all you have are some words and few phrases that leave the reader feeling cheated. take a look at the pdf's in my signature and get a few ideas there. it's better than a lot of starter out poems but it needs a lot of work.
(08-06-2013, 03:15 PM)makeshift Wrote: Dusk,
youthful child.
Daughter of day.
Pale,
hauntingly innocent,
helplessly small
prey.
Caught,
captive of time.
Left to decay.
Withering,
Lost and forgotten
Wasting a-
way.
Alright, with the exception of some things I did as assignments in high school, this is my first poem. I wrote it a few months ago and wasn't very happy with it, got a bit discouraged and haven't wrote much since. I wanted to share a poem I was a bit closer to but I cant seem to write anything and I'm eager to post something for critique. This effort feels a bit cliche/insincere to me aswell as a bit clumsy but maybe it will resonant better with others, and at any rate I can get some outside opinions on it. Appreciate all feedback.
Posts: 35
Threads: 4
Joined: May 2013
(08-06-2013, 03:15 PM)makeshift Wrote: Dusk,
youthful child.
Daughter of day.
Pale,
hauntingly innocent,
helplessly small
prey.
Caught,
captive of time.
Left to decay.
Withering,
Lost and forgotten
Wasting a-
way.
I like the thought of personifying the times of day (I am assuming there will be 4 - dawn, day, dusk, night)
I also liked hauntingly innocent a lot!
that last line break on a-
way didn't really make any sense to me.
thanks for posting!
Posts: 119
Threads: 39
Joined: Aug 2013
I absolutely love the form of this poem. I really enjoy poems that can say a lot with minimal words. I realize that should be all poetry, but some does it exceptionally well. This poem seems short and to the point, but not in an abrasive way. Love the way the last two lines are broken. Also, the rhythm is just killer in my opinion. I feel like there is room for improvement in the actual words though. I have no real suggestions, I just feel like you could work at it a little better and really have something awesome.
Posts: 89
Threads: 14
Joined: Aug 2013
Thnx for reading everyone (:
(08-06-2013, 05:47 PM)billy Wrote: Take a look at the pdf's in my signature and get a few ideas there. it's better than a lot of starter out poems but it needs a lot of work.
I have started doing, lots of information, really helpful.
I think I will edit this one when I have a bit more experience, as for now I want to write new poems. Again appreciate the feedback.
I liked your poem. The style was elegant - the choice of words and formatting. I have two problems though. The capitalization seems random, for one. Second, I'm not sure I understand what the poem is about. At first I thought it was about a deer named Dusk, but I think that just came to me because your avatar is a deer and you mention 'prey' and 'caught'. I like the idea from qwerty_H that each portion is about a different part of the day. I dont know if my comments about your poem are totally off-base. I've never critiqued anyone's poetry or had any I've written be critiqued. Keep up the writing!
(08-06-2013, 03:15 PM)makeshift Wrote: Dusk,
youthful child.
Daughter of day.
Pale,
hauntingly innocent,
helplessly small
prey.
Caught,
captive of time.
Left to decay.
Withering,
Lost and forgotten
Wasting a-
way.
Alright, with the exception of some things I did as assignments in high school, this is my first poem. I wrote it a few months ago and wasn't very happy with it, got a bit discouraged and haven't wrote much since. I wanted to share a poem I was a bit closer to but I cant seem to write anything and I'm eager to post something for critique. This effort feels a bit cliche/insincere to me aswell as a bit clumsy but maybe it will resonant better with others, and at any rate I can get some outside opinions on it. Appreciate all feedback.
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