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Who are you? Freaking Jeff,
Bunx said with a despicable tone.
Gock the freak on out of here,
Jeff....
Bunx thought, slimely slop.
Jeff Denim moves...
like a mop!
Jeff Denim leaves gooey sloop,
sticking on Bunx's shoe's sole.
BUNX's soul,
the woe of Jeff Denim.
Slowly Jeff Denim, and Donny Denim
pack around me,
slipping into my every mole.
It doesn't matter if Bunx hurts, see,
making Bunx slime is their goal.
Bunx looks at them nasty
gocking!!!
JEFF AND DONNY DENIM,
and mock those two
till they drop. Because sneaky
smiley moving creatures are not friends
Bunx wants.
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
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this poem is quirky, slop and gock are only near rhymes though, I like the way you ended it though, I love this poem!
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S3 L4 should be "their". And I think S2 L3 should be "shoe's" since it's a possessive.
I'm too tired to say more at the moment. Thanks for a funny read
-Louise
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thanks louise! i have been trying out my hand at poems i would want to read to kids. thinking about putting together a little book of sorts!
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
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(08-08-2013, 12:49 PM)Bunx Wrote: thanks louise! i have been trying out my hand at poems i would want to read to kids. thinking about putting together a little book of sorts!
Sounds like a wonderful idea
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delightful conclusion louise! i will continue to try and write poem with this nature. Peacheap! thanks for the feedback as well. i did rush though alot of this poem. could refine some rhymes
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
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(08-08-2013, 03:54 AM)Bunx Wrote: Who are you? Freaking snail, Would "Who are you, freaking snail?" be better?
I said with a despicable gock.
Gock the freak on out of here,
I thought, slimely slop.
Snails move like a mop! Not sure about this comparison. I can't imagine it very well.
That leaves gooey pop, Might be my English failing me here, but what is 'gooey pop'?
sticking on my shoe's sole.
My soul, the woe of snails
is similar to the woes of my foes!
Slowly they move in a pack around me,
slipping into my every goal. 'goal' x 2 too close to each other.
It doesn't matter if it hurts, see,
making me slime is their goal. Did you mean 'slimy'?
So I will look at them nasty
gocking snails, and mock them
till they drop. Because sneaky
smiley moving creatures are not friends Why 'smiley'? When it's about nasty snails.
I want.
I think you should definitely continue writing poems meant for kids.
I felt too tired last time I commented on this, so I thought I'd now tell you some of the other thoughts I have on this poem (see above).
Best,
Louise
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Louise, thanks for the feedback again! I used the word smiley to highlight the snail (in the poem) mischievous nature. Good catch on "pop" it means soda. I think pop it is a thing people just say in montana as well. I changed it up.
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
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peacheap- thanks for the feedback! i am trying to write poems for children
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
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(08-08-2013, 03:54 AM)Bunx Wrote: Who are you? Freaking snail,
I said with a despicable gock. to, rather than 'with' since gock is the underbelly ?
Gock the freak on out of here, nice play
I thought, slimely slop. great opening you have my attention
Snails move like a mop!
That leaves gooey sloop,
sticking on my shoe's sole.
My soul, the woe of snails
is similar to the woes of my foes! not sure this stanza helps in fact it gives away the last line
Slowly they move in a pack around me, line is too long it breaks the rhythm could drop 'move in a'
slipping into my every mole.
It doesn't matter if it hurts, see,
making me slime is their goal.
So I will look at them nasty
gocking snails, and mock them
till they drop. Because sneaky till they're slop ?
smiley moving creatures are not friends
I want. this is a strong end that makes you go, ohh he's talking about slimy non friends but not if you give it away in stanza two.
I really enjoyed this one Bunx and I have new word gock hope the comments help. Best TOMH
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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TOMH thanks for the comment and edits! i did follow your advise, hopefully the poem makes more sense and takes more shape to the reader.
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
