Bird (edit 2)
#21
Mostly just passing through, but a couple of notes:

(08-08-2013, 03:00 AM)makeshift Wrote:  Edit 1

Passing

somber sparrow,

somber sparrow does work without the article. The reason is a case of address. Without the article it establishes second person which otherwise would not be done until L5. If this was third person, it would need the article.

lying limp on the cross walk,
like hollow drift wood,
gently swept to shore by night's tide.

"lying limp" would work for a cat but not a bird. I know the alliteration tempted you, but you must resist. The bone structure of birds lends a rigidity that mammals lack so, I feel limp is the wrong choice here.

I realize you.

I really like this line. There is a certain creation that is involved in your awareness of the bird. I read it as almost "I realize you into existence" but better due to the economy.

Your wispy feathers
caught in the corner of my eye.

ok, here you went afowl twice. First, feathers are whispy, we get it so there is no sense pointing it out. If the feathers were something out of the ordinary, it might be worth a mention. Second, eyes don't have corners - except in cliches. True eyes are well-rounded, except in the world of cliches.

A rolling car disturbs the air,
dawn's dim sun struggles its way through pale clouds, and

here again, I don't know why you are mentioning what the car did to /the/ air. What is so important about this air that distracts you from the importance of the bird? dim sun is too 'dim-sum' and I am not sure why you are mentioning dim, I kind of get that from dawn.

I realize you,

if only for a moment.
A dull moment as I span the white striped street, and
the distance between us
swiftly subsides.

here, you seem to lose a lot of what you had going on earlier. You are repeating the bit about the moment rather pointlessly. A person couldn't literally span a street, unless they were very large and lying prone, I suppose. There is some clarity issues surrounding the distance as well, bu they may be caused by the spanning. "subsides" is the wrong word.

Soon,
we will pass.

I am not sure who "we" are. I assume it is you and the bird, but if the bird is lying there on the road all limp and all, I don't think it will be passing anything anytime soon. . ./

Thanks for posting, good luck with the rewrites.
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#22
(08-20-2013, 11:43 AM)makeshift Wrote:  
(08-20-2013, 07:40 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  Nice edit, but correct the typos and some grammer:

Thnx for reading/critiquing.

Most of the critique made sense and i'll certainly fix the errors however
I have two questions,

If I were to change the first line to "A somber sparrow" as you suggested would it still be evident that I was referring to the sparrow in the line "I realize you"? As it stands it feels like the narrator is speaking to the bird but i'm not sure if that would be as clear if I put an "a" before "somber sparrow" also, I thought "realize" was correct but maybe "acknowledge" makes more sense, I guess that isn't really a question more of a concern. I think on that ill try to get a second opinion. that. Thnx again

Yes, it still addresses the bird. You can have both narration and monolog it a poem. It seemed like you needed something preceding 'somber'. 'My', would work too or leave it the way it was. 'I realize you.' sounds peculiar to me without an action after it (eg I realize you were cheated in life). Other replacements like acknowledge, recognize, understand or some other word or another phrase 'I feel for you' stand better by themselves. However, use what you like best, you don't gather a consensus. All critques are just suggestions.
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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#23
(08-20-2013, 11:57 AM)milo Wrote:  Thanks for posting, good luck with the rewrites.

Thanks for the read, clarity, and feedback. With the last line I intended it to mean the bird would pass as in die and I would pass him as in walk by, trying to be clever lol. I can see how that could fail to come across though especially as I kind of establish the bird as dead already. I think ill edit the "lying limp" line to paint a picture of a half dead bird. Lots of useful feedback overall excited to edit this.

(08-20-2013, 12:10 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  However, use what you like best, you don't gather a consensus. All critques are just suggestions.

Yeah I get this, just not too confident in my understanding of grammar. I appreciate you replying.
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#24
(08-20-2013, 12:10 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  
(08-20-2013, 11:43 AM)makeshift Wrote:  
(08-20-2013, 07:40 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  Nice edit, but correct the typos and some grammer:

Thnx for reading/critiquing.

Most of the critique made sense and i'll certainly fix the errors however
I have two questions,

If I were to change the first line to "A somber sparrow" as you suggested would it still be evident that I was referring to the sparrow in the line "I realize you"? As it stands it feels like the narrator is speaking to the bird but i'm not sure if that would be as clear if I put an "a" before "somber sparrow" also, I thought "realize" was correct but maybe "acknowledge" makes more sense, I guess that isn't really a question more of a concern. I think on that ill try to get a second opinion. that. Thnx again

Yes, it still addresses the bird. You can have both narration and monolog in a poem. It seemed like you needed something preceding 'somber'. 'My', would work too or you may leave it the way it was. As for 'I realize you.' it just sounds peculiar to me without an action after it (eg I realize you were cheated in life). Other replacements like acknowledge, recognize, understand or another phrase like 'I feel for you' stand better by themselves. If you would not say it, don't use it is a rule of thumb. However, do use what you like best, you don't need to gather a consensus. All critques are just suggestions.
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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#25
I've updated the op with a new version. I took most of the criticism into account, I think this one is more concise/economical. I feel like the poem is getting somewhere, probably still has a little while to go. Much better then morning mourning imo Big Grin I've gotten a lot of great feedback thus far, it means good deal, hopefully I can get a little bit more.

bump bump bump
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