oppression

[Green Ink]

Sun's Night

Arrows of cold whip and wrap themself around my skin chasing away the erst warmth of sun's pride.

Cold is the night,
... Seasons may pass bringing the sweet smell of leaves and the innocence of Spring,
but Night still holds it's reign.

Above my head, while I can't sleep,
I gaze out at the illusion of sheltered guiding lights we call stars.
The bright colours day forced into withdrawal from the dying of the light,
the only things around us which hide in plain sight.

My evergreen trees,
The blooming light violet on cherry trees,
whistling emerald green grass,
even the clothes on your back!

When insomnia makes it's rounds through cities and towns,
to gaze up at the deceitful silvery glows of stars stretched across my home.
To shed light?
An aftermath of the sun's departure.
A dark box stretched out past a rainbows range with holes poked through to prevent suffocation!

Night reveres sun's reign with it's golden,
life-giving warmth dripping from it's tower like sweet honey.
Sun fills the air and shatters Night's erstwhile winds to ignite our path,
present clothes which liberate our skin,
reveal glimpses of golden hair trail through fields,
and presents the sea with sapphire sheets.

They transform to shards of diamond light when sun takes it's last flight.

Night has it's wait to take watch and deceive
those who look up at that starry, good night.
To deceive and confuse with darkened trails,
attracting ominous tales,
and prolongs it's stay with holes to breathe.

I have seen it's true intentions as it glides over us have made my stand staring towards it's face.
The likeliness of it's brother it prefers not to see as it comes when all eyes, but mine, are closed.

Sometimes I think about dreams that never seem to unfold as I lay awake under Night's watch. Although now when darkness glides over,
trailing sun's last light,
clothing my tree's and evergreen fields the same shade of communistic equality with no aspirations to be felt,
I do not fear or quiver.

I have had my day in it's own night as I defy this bottom feeder of light.
I stare, I stare past your shadows and reduce you to your deceitful trickles of jealous silver.

- Anonymous Green Ink

[Volaticus]

Hi there,
I'd suggest you gave some meaningful feedback in the critique forums before posting your poems all over. Just a friendly reminder of how things work around here. Otherwise your threads might get locked.

[Green Ink]

I have given feedback on a recent post in this category, thanks for the heads up.
-Green Ink

[Volaticus]

I have given feedback on a recent post in this category, thanks for the heads up.
-Green Ink

Good to hear. Giving meaningful feedback on lots of other people's poems, helps you a great deal with spotting what works and doesn't work in your own poetry.

[heslopian]

Sun's Night Is this the subtitle?

Arrows of cold whip and wrap themself This should be "themselves", as "arrows" is plural. around my skin Could you put a line break here? chasing away the erst warmth of sun's pride.

Cold is the night, I'd phrase this as "the night is cold", just because the backward syntax makes it sound a bit cliche.
... Seasons may pass bringing the sweet smell of leaves and the innocence of Spring,
but Night still holds it's reign. "Its" in the possessive context doesn't need an apostrophe. Also, why is "Night" capitalised here but not before?

Above my head, while I can't sleep,
I gaze out at the illusion of sheltered Is "sheltered" needed? "Illusion of guiding lights" is more profound, I think. guiding lights we call stars.
The bright colours day Surely night is the one forcing them out? forced into withdrawal from the dying of the light,
the only things around us which hide in plain sight. I really like this line. The idea of light "hiding in plain sight" - we know it's there, but we don't see it as a physical body - intrigues me.

My evergreen trees,
The blooming light violet on cherry trees,
whistling emerald green grass,
even the clothes on your back! This verse feels like it's the tail end of a thought you haven't shared with us. "Even the clothes on your back" what? What are you saying that these things you list are, or represent, or whatever?

When insomnia makes it's rounds through cities and towns, Good rhyme of "rounds and "towns".
to gaze up at the deceitful silvery glows of stars stretched across my home. This line and its predecessor are clauses of a sentence which isn't resolved. What happens when insomnia makes its rounds to gaze up at the glows?
To shed light? Because the previous sentence hasn't been resolved, this sounds like a non sequitur.
An aftermath of the sun's departure. I like the idea that night is day's aftermath, which I think is what you're subtly suggesting here.
A dark box stretched out past a rainbows "Rainbows" needs an apostrophe, as it's a noun being used in a possessive context. range with holes poked through to prevent suffocation!

Night reveres sun's reign with it's golden, As there's no "the" before "sun's", should "sun's" be capitalised?
life-giving warmth dripping from it's tower like sweet honey.
Sun fills the air and shatters Night's erstwhile winds to ignite our path,
present clothes which liberate our skin,
reveal glimpses of golden hair trail through fields,
and presents the sea with sapphire sheets. I really like this line. It's a very effective personification of nature.

They transform to shards of diamond light Could a line break go here, if for no other reason than to emphasise the rhyme? when sun takes it's last flight.

Night has it's Should this be "to" ("Night has to wait")? wait to take watch and deceive
those who look up at that starry, good night.
To deceive and confuse with darkened trails,
attracting ominous tales, How? And what does it mean to attract a tale?
and prolongs it's stay with holes to breathe. What, where and why are these holes?

I have seen it's true intentions as it glides over us Could a line break go here? have made my stand staring towards it's face.
The likeliness Should this be "likeness"? of it's brother Is this brother day? it prefers not to see as it comes when all eyes, but mine, are closed.

Sometimes I think about dreams that never seem to unfold I like the use of "unfold" here. It subtly conveys the impenetrability of some dreams. as I lay awake under Night's watch. Although now when darkness glides over,
trailing sun's last light,
clothing my tree's No apostrophe needed, as this is a plural. and evergreen fields the same shade of communistic equality with no aspirations to be felt,
I do not fear or quiver. This line may be more striking if it was its own sentence.

I have had my day in it's own night as I defy this bottom feeder of light. I love the description "bottom feeder of light"; it's so sinister and contemptuous.
I stare, I stare past your shadows and reduce you to your deceitful trickles of jealous silver. The first "I stare" could be removed, but otherwise this is a very good last line. Darkly magical.

- Anonymous Green Ink

The poem needs a lot more focus and clarity. There's some lovely images and intriguing ideas, but the narrative engine keeps stalling. Take a trimmer to as many extraneous words as you can find and you'll really have something here. A bit more attention to form also wouldn't go amiss. Could lines be more artfully arranged to emphasise rhymes, rhythms and images? All of my critique is, of course, JMHO. Thank you for the read

[Green Ink]

Ah yes, I thought something smelt fishy when I posted this! I posted the rough copy at the time i was so eager to release my work that editing was once or twice look, but not to be mistaken for over confidence. Although this may have been a rough work, a lot of the things you cited were not changed on my final draft, and I am glad you saw the symbolism as I thought I truly had gone crazy from the insomnia.
1. I agree that page breaks should be frequent, although at the time of writing this I wanted most parts to be read in a swift motion, like one sentence.
I agree that it does not enhance the read as much, but that is my opinion.
2.My evergreen trees,
The blooming light violet on cherry trees,
whistling emerald green grass,
even the clothes on your back! "This verse feels like it's the tail end of a thought you haven't shared with us. "Even the clothes on your back" what? What are you saying that these things you list are, or represent, or whatever?"
Another way to write symbolically, it's ok that you missed this one too.
My evergreen trees, (as I look out my window when I cannot sleep, these are in a sense some o my possessions and I try to be as differant from the night as possible. By being different from it, that means embracing bright colours that are impossible to see in the night
The blooming light violet on cherry trees,
whistling emerald green grass,
even the clothes on your back! (I like this line myself as it shows that even we are targeted by night, all the lines listed before were targeted by night because of night's jealousy of the sun. The sun represents it's own artist, giving colours and inspiring youth and when it leaves, night comes and showers over us with oppression.)
3. The word "Night" was purposely supposed to be capitalized as it brought the reader back to the point of the poem! the poem centers around the night and it's oppression, trickery and jealousy. Although the "Cold is the night" line was not capitalized, that was the pattern breaker which will be fixed.
Sun is also not capitalized even at the beginning of a new sentence to show that sun has become so useless during night's reign.
4. When insomnia makes it's rounds through cities and towns, "Good rhyme of "rounds and "towns"."
to gaze up at the deceitful silvery glows of stars stretched across my home. "This line and its predecessor are clauses of a sentence which isn't resolved. What happens when insomnia makes its rounds to gaze up at the glows?"
On the contrary, "to gaze up at the deceitful silvery glows stretched across my home." is the aftermath of insomnia. When I find myself in a state of insomnia, I look out my window at the stars and while doing so start to first wonder about the star's meaning:
To shed light? Because the previous sentence hasn't been resolved, this sounds like a non sequitur.
An aftermath of the sun's departure. I like the idea that night is day's aftermath, which I think is what you're subtly suggesting here.
A dark box stretched out past a rainbows "Rainbows" needs an apostrophe, as it's a noun being used in a possessive context. range with holes poked through to prevent suffocation!
Once you understand that line, then this one just complements it very nicely, with the primary spelling mistakes, don't you think?

I do not fear or quiver. "This line may be more striking if it was its own sentence."
Also if this line were separate as it's own sentence, I don't think it would have made much of a difference other than a page break. That would simplify it to a "stand up to problems" type of cliche line. I have read many modern poems with unnecessary page breaks of a single line to represent one passage, and to me it seems too cliche.
Other than these adjustments that you have cited, I have no other inquiries into the citation of my poem.
-Green Ink