Senryu (August 2013)

[Volaticus]

throbbing gristle
drop of blood
new piercing


(I don't know if it needs mentioning, but the first line is borrowed from a band of the same name.)

[billy]

hehe, i like it, not sure about throbbing gristle but it does have a certain ring to it

[Volaticus]

hehe, i like it, not sure about throbbing gristle but it does have a certain ring to it

Thanks, I'm glad you like it. You think the first line works well enough to keep? Personally, I love the first line

[billy]

that you love it is more reason to keep it than anything else.
i remember piercing my own ear years ago and it didn't throb,

but it's your gristle and it does work so yeah, definitely well enough to keep.

[Volaticus]

that you love it is more reason to keep it than anything else.
i remember piercing my own ear years ago and it didn't throb,

but it's your gristle and it does work so yeah, definitely well enough to keep.

Thanks for coming back to answer my question

[Volaticus]

I like the theme, but the first line feels wildly exaggerated, like the narrator has been maimed. I'd consider something more plausible, and simple. L2 and L3 are perfect.

Thanks for your feedback. In this case the narrator is myself, getting the top of my ear pierced and I did feel a throbbing pain. I can easily see how it seems exaggerated though. I'll have to give it some thought.
Thanks again - much appreciated