Posterity

[TheWall0912]

On a black tire swing
hanging from a tall oak tree,
with branches reaching
high into the light blue sky,
sits a small little boy
wearing blue jeans.

Innocent is he
as he swings.

So much of our future
depends upon
many boys like these.

[TheWall0912]

Thanks fogglethorpe, how about something like:

Black tire swing
hanging. Tall oak tree,
branches reaching
high.
Small little boy,
in blue jeans.

Innocent,
he swings.

Our future
depends
on boys like these.

[Volaticus]

Hi,
I think it's a fine, simple little image you have here. I've read both versions of your poem and tried to compare them. What I came up with is that I think the new version overall stands stronger with the removal of excess words and such. I just think you cut out a few too many words than necessary, making the new version seem more fragmented, whereas the original version had a more cohesive feel, which I felt fitting for this particular poem. Mainly in S1. Also, "Small, little boy".. do you need both small and little? For me, the poem wouldn't lose anything if you used just one of the words.
All is just my humble opinion of course. I like both versions very much still; a lovely image that makes one smile.
Best,
LB