Posts: 12
Threads: 3
Joined: Jul 2013
The truck’s dancing train of fallen orange pieces
discarded from their sleepy Mother trees,
gold and sun splashed in a storm of spiral forms,
urged him on through the crisp autumn breeze.
The small yellow house stared at him blankly,
his faint heart mustered for a coming Rubicon;
raising his fist he then hesitantly offered
a plea for love when all hope seemed gone.
Somehow they stepped into a sudden embrace,
despite her canine companions reproof;
dazed his head attempted to make sense,
though his heart in secret gloried in truth.
In harmony they wept for their lost loves and old shadows,
then went filling the void in her once lonely tread;
in a moss-crusted Church they lit two warming candles,
small lights to set sail through their oceans of dread.
She linked his arm under interlocking branches,
in a wood that leant over her river of despair,
all then forgotten amidst nature’s apparent knowing,
of lost eyes seeking for their seeds of repair.
Amid Italian dishes and a red reckless wine,
They stared like cats into each other’s bright eyes;
then running from the scene of their first hungry kiss,
they entered fine shelter from the dark fluid skies.
Accompanied in cool twilight by a golden baritone
they sipped and spoke in lost treasure phrases;
many hours died before they ventured to bed,
that nest of respite and soft secret places.
Unveiled she paused at the foot of the bed,
bestowing an image distilled from pure beauty;
An imprint that will sit on the altar of his soul,
forever radiating through his wastes of infinity.
They lay together in a tangle of need,
like beggars clutching at a mountain of scraps;
chins and lips become sore from such plenty,
a rehearsal for those other more sensual traps.
From a confusion of sheets and a small slice of sleep,
Sad cards were dealt with fate's mischievous intent;
bemused he returned to that kingdom of lost love,
soused in a marinade of her signature scent.
In the guise of a fool he then squandered three days,
His love he had imprisoned with a cerebral chain;
at last his heart burst free from those idiot bonds,
So he surrendered and feasted on wonder again.
Thank you Heslopian.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(08-01-2013, 06:02 AM)StevieFinn Wrote: The truck’s dancing train of fallen orange pieces
discarded from their sleepy Mother trees,
gold and sun splashed in a storm of spiral forms;
urged him on through the crisp autumn breeze.
The small yellow house stared at him blankly,
his faint heart mustered for a coming Rubicon;
raising his fist he then hesitantly offered,
a plea for love when all hope seemed gone.
Somehow they stepped into a sudden embrace,
despite her canine companions reproof;
dazed his head attempted to make sense,
though his heart in secret did glory in truth.
In harmony they wept for their lost loves and old shadows,
then went filling the void in her once lonely tread;
in a moss crusted Church they lit two warming candles,
small lights to set sail through their oceans of dread.
She linked his arm under interlocking branches,
in a wood that leant over her river of despair;
all then forgotten amidst nature’s apparent knowing,
of lost eyes seeking for their seeds of repair.
Amid Italian dishes and a red reckless wine,
They stared like cats into each other’s bright eyes;
then running from the scene of their first hungry kiss,
they enter fine shelter from the dark fluid skies.
Accompanied in cool twilight by a golden baritone
they sipped and spoke in lost treasure phrases;
many hours died before they ventured to bed,
that soft nest of respite and silk secret places.
Unveiled she paused at the foot of the bed,
bestowing an image distilled from pure beauty;
An imprint that will sit on the altar of his soul,
forever radiating through his wastes of infinity.
They lay together in a tangle of need,
like beggars clutching at a mountain of scraps;
chins and lips become sore from such plenty,
a rehearsal for those other more sensual traps.
From a confusion of sheets and a small slice of sleep,
Sad cards were dealt with fates mischievous intent;
bemused he returned to that once kingdom of love,
soused in a marinade of her own unique scent.
In the guise of a fool he then squandered three days,
His love he had imprisoned with a cerebral chain;
at last his heart burst free from those idiot bonds,
So he surrendered and feasted on wonder again. Hi,
pushed right now but will come back.
"Though his heart in secret DID glory in truth" ?
"Though his heart in secret gloried in truth"
best,
tectak
Posts: 12
Threads: 3
Joined: Jul 2013
Thanks Tectak - You at least had time to give a reason for my first Dohh ! 
Posts: 1,548
Threads: 942
Joined: Dec 2016
(08-01-2013, 06:02 AM)StevieFinn Wrote: The truck’s dancing train of fallen orange pieces
discarded from their sleepy Mother trees,
gold and sun splashed in a storm of spiral forms; Should this be a comma, as the next line depends on its predecessors.
urged him on through the crisp autumn breeze.
The small yellow house stared at him blankly,
his faint heart mustered for a coming Rubicon;
raising his fist he then hesitantly offered, This and the next line are the same clause, so no punctuation is needed here.
a plea for love when all hope seemed gone.
Somehow they stepped into a sudden embrace,
despite her canine companions reproof; An apostrophe should go before "s" in "companions", as it's a possessive pronoun.
dazed his head attempted to make sense, A comma should go after "dazed", as otherwise it sounds like a verb.
though his heart in secret did glory in truth. I like the use of "glory" as a verb here, though "did" in this context feels unfittingly archaic. I'd suggest replacing "did glory" with "gloried".
In harmony they wept for their lost loves and old shadows, Very good juxtaposition of nouns and their adjectives here.
then went filling the void in her once lonely tread;
in a moss crusted Church they lit two warming candles, "Moss" and "crusted" should have a dash between them, I think. I love that image of a moss-crusted Church, by the way.
small lights to set sail through their oceans of dread.
She linked his arm under interlocking branches, I'd suggest replacing "she linked his arm" with "they linked arms".
in a wood that leant over her river of despair; Should this be a comma?
all then forgotten amidst nature’s apparent knowing,
of lost eyes seeking for their seeds of repair. This is a really excellent verse, concise and with images that are just splendid, like something from W. B. Yeats.
Amid Italian dishes and a red reckless wine,
They stared like cats into each other’s bright eyes;
then running from the scene of their first hungry kiss,
they enter fine shelter from the dark fluid skies. Excellent personification of the lovers as cats.
Accompanied in cool twilight by a golden baritone "Golden baritone" is an excellent image.
they sipped and spoke in lost treasure phrases;
many hours died before they ventured to bed,
that soft nest of respite and silk secret places. Are "soft" and "silk" needed?
Unveiled she paused at the foot of the bed,
bestowing an image distilled from pure beauty;
An imprint that will sit on the altar of his soul,
forever radiating through his wastes of infinity. Great last two lines in this verse.
They lay together in a tangle of need, Good use of "need".
like beggars clutching at a mountain of scraps;
chins and lips become sore from such plenty,
a rehearsal for those other more sensual traps.
From a confusion of sheets and a small slice of sleep,
Sad cards were dealt with fates mischievous intent; "Fates" needs an apostrophe.
bemused he returned to that once kingdom of love, Is "once" needed?
soused in a marinade of her own unique scent.
In the guise of a fool he then squandered three days,
His love he had imprisoned with a cerebral chain;
at last his heart burst free from those idiot bonds,
So he surrendered and feasted on wonder again.
The poem is a bit long and rambling. It doesn't have much narrative and revolves around one point, really, so you could trim quite a bit, or perhaps divide it into chapters just to give it a sense of pace. JMHO, of course. Thank you for the read
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
Posts: 12
Threads: 3
Joined: Jul 2013
Thank you for your very constructive criticism. I need all the help I can get as I am very new to this & I am very aware of my awful grammar. "did glory in truth" I agree is archaic."she linked his arm" is there because that was what happened. "soft" and "silk" I once again agree. "once" is an effort to describe the fact that the kingdom was once one of love, but was at that time it was no longer the case. I have enough now to attempt an edit thanks to you - As soon as I get the time that is
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