Little Pink Lines

[ms.golightly]

And they continued
Laughing as they saw
My face dripping with their disgust
My body laced with a drug
Capable of creating two
Little pink lines
And a panic that would arise
Before the morning sun.





My name is Morgan, I am new to this site and poetry in general, however I do write music and lyrics. Lately I've just sort of been writing poems and decided I should try to at least post them somewhere. Any sort of feedback is welcome, thank you.

[billy]

please give some feedback elsewhere and please read the rules for posting poetry /mod

[TheWall0912]

And they continued
Laughing as they saw
My face dripping with their disgust I like this line a lot, dripping is very descriptive
My body laced with a drug
Capable of creating two
Little pink lines Just not sure what you're referring to, I think your message is a little unclear.
And a panic that would arise
Before the morning sun.

Welcome to the site!
Overall I'd say this is a good start. I would suggest trying to make your point more clear. You might also want to add some punctuation, it would make it easier to read. It isn't clear right now where certain thoughts end, a few commas or periods would do the trick.

[rowens]

I like the fragmenting line breaks making the lines dump one under the other. And I even like other people's disgust on your face. I once died with a smile on someone else's face.

It seems like one of the new young people's scenes. The flaky, easily amused crowd. The real counterculture to the jaded, burnout crowd. The ones that'll grow up and bend and possibly break under the pressure of trying to make sense out of what the dope fiends with gaspy lungs that run the country have left them with.

Because they laugh and are disgusted. When boys giggle, it's not always a pleasant sight, but maybe they were all girls there, I don't know. If this character is high, and the others stand around laughing with disgust, it just sounds embarrassing all around. All really lame.

Maybe you could draw it out some more, describe something more jarring or at least vivid.

[jdguyb]

the lack of punctuation didn't really take away from the poem but I would suggest adding some punctuation. The title and the message don't really click. I don't know why you want to make two little pink lines. Maybe describe why the two little pink lines are so important. It is the title of the poem isn't it? IT should be a stronger message. I sort of agree with thewall. Why is there a panic arising before the morning sun? How do the two pink lines relate two that?

[250xflo]

I don't class myself as someone to give advice as I'm new to this but I understand giving feedback is what makes this forum work.
I actually like this quite a lot, it's short but surprisingly "descriptive", good use of words I suppose in saying that, it seem very personal and a little hard to draw a picture, I know I'm contradicting myself but its just my opinion.
Overall I really liked it