Mobile House

[Darkblue]

It chewed up his nightlight when he was seven.
It was a fretful thing
being seven and in the dark.

Let’s talk about chaos
and how seeing things break has always made me squirm
to think about the toothpaste never going back in the bottle,
the cylindrical permanence of loss.

It never visited except when it wanted something.
It tried to act like people,
losing its head,
tending towards destruction,
slipping down that path again.
Frantic relapse
all over the puny kitchen.

This is what we call camping,
husband said.
This is the real rusted dream.
If he meant rustic, I never corrected him.
But then there’s the rust-tailed squirrel
who snickers when we fight,
acting like he knows.

I found a bowl once in a store
that says it can’t tip over
so I bought it, and then I had a baby
to put the bowl to use.

The two of us, the baby, now boy, and I
sit in the back of husband’s RV while he drives
us all over the photo opp country.
We’re happy like the cross-stitched words, “Home Sweet Home.”

Then squirrel comes in to break my day.
We all lose our heads.
All over the place.

[TheWall0912]

It chewed up his nightlight when he was seven.
It was a fretful thing
being seven and in the dark.

Let’s talk about chaos
and how seeing things break has always made me squirm
to think about the toothpaste never going back in the bottle,
the cylindrical permanence of loss. I like the imagery here. Good descriptions.

It never visited except when it wanted something.
It tried to act like people,
losing its head,
tending towards destruction,
slipping down that path again.
Frantic relapse
all over the puny kitchen.

This is what we call camping,
husband said.
This is the real rusted dream.
If he meant rustic, I never corrected him.
But then there’s the rust-tailed squirrel
who snickers when we fight,
acting like he knows.

I found a bowl once in a store
that says it can’t tip over
so I bought it, and then I had a baby
to put the bowl to use.
I don't really understand this stanza. It gives me a good mental picture but I don't see how it really fits in to the rest of the piece, other than the fact that it tells the reader a baby is now involved. But doesn't the first stanza tell us that as well, with the nightlight?

The two of us, the baby, now boy, and I
sit in the back of husband’s RV while he drives
us all over the photo opp country. I like the "photo opp" description of the country here
We’re happy like the cross-stitched words, “Home Sweet Home.”

Then squirrel comes in to break my day. I really like the fact that you chose not to tell us what "It" was until the very end.
We all lose our heads.
All over the place.

If I'm understanding this correctly, this poem is simply about a couple who lives in an RV and their lives are tormented by squirrels? Very simple idea, and also very well written. There are a few things that you can edit, but over all this is a great start! I would say definitely think about when you want the reader to know about the child. It can be inferred that there is a child in the first stanza, but then later on you mention that there is a baby. Is this the same baby? Or is this a new baby? I think if you reword a few things you can clear up this issue.

[evieb]

Dear Dark Blue, I really enjoyed your poem and the melancholic atmosphere it evokes, I understood it to be trials within a marriage, perhaps caused by the arrival of a son. The wife and son sit in the back of the RV, separate from the father/ husband character. I felt the appearance of the malevolent squirrel heralding the deterioration of the relationship and the accompanying rust imagery leant itself particularly well to your theme. Was the bowl sequence also referring to the shift in the marriage- designed to never tip, and then a baby comes along to test its strength? As your various images were so clear and evocative; the toothpaste, the bowl, the cross-stitched words, I was left wishing the time-line was made clearer, and the significance of the 7 year old boy within it, is it because this is when the relationship between his parents ended, when all lost their heads? Good luck, I look forward to reading more of your work.

[Darkblue]

Thanks for the feedback! I'll try to work on the ordering of things to clear up the part about the kid. Reading it over now, I can see how that was confusing.