Mentor: Generic love poem

[Bunx]

Hey thought I would try this out. I don't know if you have to be an admin or not to comment but if you have some helpful suggestion/ideas let me know!

Amazon, greetings 1st revision
Running in the Amazon forest,
I wonder what strange women
lay ahead in the overgrowth.
A shadow noticed distant.

Diving, behind the tree
behind the bushes that blind me.
A fare amazon warrior
stands there and lets
her hair down.

She tip toes into my fire,
than looks at me with a smirk.
She hands me dry meat
of some sort. Why argue
when you're not defiant.

Being around a warrior does
grave things to a man heart.
his organ is tender, easily pierced.

Lass, I maybe be a halfling,
may I kiss with stern command.

She smiles again,
the next day I wake up
Drunken from wine
in a morning memory clot.

Uhh, thanks for the food miss
I say, with a blush. Here
is my horse than, will you help me up?

Well there is a toad in the road
the girls points out with a modest laugh,
I'll miss you little small man
you put my heart to the test.

Elfs, the death of me


Generic Love Poem

EDIT 1
So here we are you plus I
going for my ideal situation.
You plus me I think I have
wanted to see the half
never seen.

Half of me is given away freely
for a stolen meal, a kiss or three,
only if you want to be
my other half-ling.

One must be short of coarse.
I don't want to stand on
the tip of my toes for a romantic finale.

If I do, we could have a cup of joe
seeing where my vertical challenge leads.

Leading us to the side of the road,
your car is there.
In my chest, a toad.

Well thanks for the tea, I say
with a slurping slip.

Tall girls, the death of me.

[billy]

Hi bunx
i'm not sure i can give you silk purses but i will try my best :J:

first a couple of questions.

in one or two sentences tell me what your aim is with the poem?

what kind of feeling do you want to convey?

so far i get it's about height and how it affects you (not you, the narrator) when trying to chat women up.

[Bunx]

haha you got the poem is pretty much about my problem with tall girls.
so to answer your questions
1. The poem is a humorous depiction of my problems with dating girls taller than me. Which aim is to promote humor and understanding to average size males.
2. light-hearted, satirical

[billy]

haha you got the poem is pretty much about my problem with tall girls.
so to answer your questions
1. The poem is a humorous depiction of my problems with dating girls taller than me. Which aim is to promote humor and understanding to average size males.
2. light-hearted, satirical

okay, you want some humour in the poem, or al least for it to be light hearted or tongue in cheek. well you have a lot to play with, or a little depending on your size

milo told me that a poem should have a start a middle and and end, with this one the end should be a punchline, something unexpected.

the start ...we'll start anywhere and see where it takes us. i note in the first stanza you mention "situation" instead of that make the situation. create it through pictures. (something that read as an image, an example would be 'a cow eared face') always try and make the first line the best line in the poem and then make every line after it a better line. make that first line really work at getting people into the poem. at present the 1st line feels a bit too generic. we know it's a sizest poem so an example could be along the lines of;

Here we are; Miss triple XL and the Hobbit.
there are lots of thing you could use for size,
a female godzirra
and lots of things for smaller people

the above may not be great examples but i'm hoping they give you kick start.
1] start of with how or/and where you met, give some images of height difference through out the poem. for now go with four or five line stanzas (non rhyming)

2] 2nd and 3rd stanza, build up the relationship,; what do you do, where do you go (make it funny if you can) use images to show instead of just telling us

3] show us the outcome, add a twist if you can,


right it out as quick as you can, 5 stanza of 4 lines or so each. then spend at least a couple of days going over it time and again, look on how it can be improved. if you have some punctuation problems we can call on someone to lend a hand.
once thats done post the post poem here and we'll go over it again. don't rush it and don't worry over it

So here we are you plus I
going for my ideal situation.
You plus me I think I have
wanted to see the half
never seen.

Half of me is given away freely
for a stolen meal, a kiss or three,
only if you want to be
my other half-ling.

One must be short of coarse.
I don't want to stand on
the tip of my toes for a romantic finale.

If I do, we could have a cup of joe
seeing where my vertical challenge leads.

Leading us to the side of the road,
your car is there.
In my chest, a toad.

Well thanks for the tea, I say
with a slurping slip.

Tall girls, the death of me.

[Bunx]

Billy, i started editing mid way though you suggestions, i think... but i did go with a rhyme scheme and went with a fantasy theme..kind of out there. i will do an edit where i use 4 to 5 line stanza no rhyming and see what I'll come up with using the same themes

---

hmm, i think i can stil use some of the lines. i'll await suggestion

[billy]

your the poet bunx at the moment i'm just giving advice, if you think it can be used use it but really think about what you're using :J:

[Josho]

I thought the poem to be cheerfully humorous

[Bunx]

well tanks josho!

[billy]

hi ray it's me again,
here the first two stanzas firstly i'd suggest a title change to mean the amazon forest. maybe

Rainforest Greetings which means you don't need to use forest in the first line.
we presume the lasses are female warriors. so think of an image to use instead of [filled with mysterious lasses.]
while i meet hunger is an image, can it be made stronger, example;

I shake hands with hunger;
my arse eats the undergrowth
like a wood crusher eats logs.

the wait i see something part doesn't lack any punch really.
and the dirty glasses line needs to be connected to something more than wait i see something.

so far we now have something like;

Lost in the Amazon:
I shake hands with hunger;
my arse eats the undergrowth
like a wood crusher eats logs.
(image of mysterious lasses)

the above is an idea for you to work on, go through the same process with the 2nd and subsequent stanza and see where it takes us :J:


Amazon, greetings
Running in the Amazon forest,
filled with mysterious lasses.
I meet hunger with an awful ache.
Wait, I see something,
damn dirty glasses.

Ten feet away standing
with a pigs leg in hand,
a fare brown haired warrior.
She looks at me,
lowers she shoulder
than smiles.

[Bunx]

I ended up playing with the first four stanzas, afraid i may have to edit the rest tomorrow. i am liking where this is going

---

oh yeh my name is rob

[billy]

i'll tke a look at it tomorrow and we can do a question and see where it's going with you.