Posts: 204
Threads: 57
Joined: Jan 2013
A Slow Decline from Sobriety into Southern Accents
You would often gut our silence
and throw it in my face,
as though I didn't feel awkward
blowing smoke up into the too-slow ceiling fan
ripping my head back down to stare at my feet.
--Made me feel terrible for not fucking you.
In the car ride back from Atlantic City
I wanted to laugh hard at your angry nose,
not daring to unhinge its dominance over the road.
Did you still think you were right?
(By the way, your music sucks.)
I guess I thought about it some,
and I haven't felt bad in a long while.
You knew I was no good
and my pussy wasn't yours,
or his
or his
or his...
It's not despicable, honey.
Don't matter how many people I fuck--
I still ain't no goddamned slut.
I'll be there in a minute.
Posts: 70
Threads: 23
Joined: Jul 2013
I'm not usually a fan of poems if there is no rhyme scheme, however, I have taken a liking to yours. You have good imagery and I find myself intrigued by the story behind it. I also like your lines that seem to be some kind of side thoughts (forgive me if this was not the intention you were going for) such as "made me feel terrible for not fucking you," or "by the way your music still sucks." I've always tried to have this effect with my poems (telling a story, past tense, and having emotions after the fact, present tense) and you seem to pull that off nicely here. Again, sorry if this wasn't your intention but it is just how I read it. Enjoyed the read very much, thanks!
I like the thick heightened language of the middle line of the middle stanza.
And the poem's gnarled tightness
The near rhymes are a little slippery, but maybe that's just you
Posts: 204
Threads: 57
Joined: Jan 2013
Slippery? Help me out. What do you mean?
I'll be there in a minute.
They're like the slippysloppy halfnear rhymes I do sometimes, and call "demonic" rhymes.
To me, they're a bit offhand and spiteful and humorous.
But that's just me. You might not feel that way.
Posts: 204
Threads: 57
Joined: Jan 2013
Oh. Yeah. I am terrible at real rhymes. My whole life revolves around half-assing everything so I don't get thrown under the bus for going all the way. ;]
I'll be there in a minute.
A poem like this can do with those sorts of rhymes though, can't it? The offhand ones...
Others may like the rhymes for other reasons. More usual reasons.
Posts: 123
Threads: 15
Joined: Jun 2013
(07-24-2013, 03:45 PM)newsclippings Wrote: A Slow Decline from Sobriety into Southern Accents
You would often gut our silence
and throw it in my face,
as though I didn't feel awkward
blowing smoke up into the too-slow ceiling fan
ripping my head back down to stare at my feet.
great imagery
--Made me feel terrible for not fucking you.
In the car ride back from Atlantic City
I wanted to laugh hard at your angry nose,
not daring to unhinge its dominance over the road.
Did you still think you were right?
(By the way, your music still sucks.)
I guess I thought about it some,
and I haven't felt bad in a long while.
You knew I was no good
and my pussy wasn't yours,
or his
or his
or his...
It's not despicable, honey.
Don't matter how many people I fuck--
I still ain't no goddamned slut.
I liked it just as is, short and concise. I really don't have a suggestion to better it at this time. these were my two favorite lines
"blowing smoke up into the too-slow ceiling fan
ripping my head back down to stare at my feet."
I once told this blond chick to screw in a light bulb..
She got naked and asked "how do I get in it?"
Posts: 1,548
Threads: 942
Joined: Dec 2016
(07-24-2013, 03:45 PM)newsclippings Wrote: A Slow Decline from Sobriety into Southern Accents
You would often gut our silence
and throw it in my face,
as though I didn't feel awkward
blowing smoke up into the too-slow ceiling fan
ripping my head back down to stare at my feet. Great use of violent terms ("gut", "ripping") and passive aggression here. This verse is almost contradictory in that it uses violent images to convey something passive, but that's what makes it work. It illustrates the aggression in passive aggression.
--Made me feel terrible for not fucking you.
In the car ride back from Atlantic City
I wanted to laugh hard at your angry nose,
not daring to unhinge its dominance over the road. Why does his nose have dominance over the road? Is it an indirect way of saying that the narrator doesn't want him to turn his face away from the road and towards her?
Did you still think you were right?
(By the way, your music still sucks.)
I guess I thought about it some,
and I haven't felt bad in a long while.
You knew I was no good
and my pussy wasn't yours,
or his
or his
or his... Are these repeated lines suggesting three people, or emphasising one?
It's not despicable, honey.
Don't matter how many people I fuck--
I still ain't no goddamned slut.
The first verse is my favourite, because it's concise, evocative and smart in how it creates an effect. The rest of the poem is a bit loosely textured, but it's individual and engaging. I like the Atlantic City and "your music still sucks" details. My critique is, of course, JMHO. Thank you for the read 
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
Posts: 204
Threads: 57
Joined: Jan 2013
Why does his nose have dominance over the road? Is it an indirect way of saying that the narrator doesn't want him to turn his face away from the road and towards her?
Yes.
Are these repeated lines suggesting three people, or emphasising one?
Three people, or maybe even more. We don't know. A flurry of men maybe, it wouldn't matter to her, she's still confident and backhands his insults at her.
Thanks for going through my poem. I agree the rest of the poem needs to be saved somehow. I wanted it to be a slow depression into a "dumber, drunker" dialect.
I'll be there in a minute.
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
(07-24-2013, 03:45 PM)newsclippings Wrote: A Slow Decline from Sobriety into Southern Accents
You would often gut our silence
and throw it in my face,
as though I didn't feel awkward
blowing smoke up into the too-slow ceiling fan
ripping my head back down to stare at my feet.
--Made me feel terrible for not fucking you.
In the car ride back from Atlantic City
I wanted to laugh hard at your angry nose,
not daring to unhinge its dominance over the road.
Did you still think you were right?
(By the way, your music still sucks.)
I guess I thought about it some,
and I haven't felt bad in a long while.
You knew I was no good
and my pussy wasn't yours,
or his
or his
or his...
It's not despicable, honey.
Don't matter how many people I fuck--
I still ain't no goddamned slut.
I almost missed this as my own genitals do make me squirm. Sometimes in a good way.
I think you capture a lot of the ridiculousness of couples fighting, I have taken that car trip myself back from Atlantic City.
Well, you capture here side of it anyway . . .
Posts: 204
Threads: 57
Joined: Jan 2013
Quote: I almost missed this as my own genitals do make me squirm. Sometimes in a good way.
Quote:I think you capture a lot of the ridiculousness of couples fighting, I have taken that car trip myself back from Atlantic City.
Well, you capture here side of it anyway . . .
Why would I want to capture his side? He already seems like the better person. Psh. I ain't about to sympathize wif no male.
I'll be there in a minute.
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
(07-30-2013, 06:20 AM)newsclippings Wrote: Quote: I almost missed this as my own genitals do make me squirm. Sometimes in a good way.
Quote:I think you capture a lot of the ridiculousness of couples fighting, I have taken that car trip myself back from Atlantic City.
Well, you capture here side of it anyway . . .
Why would I want to capture his side? He already seems like the better person. Psh. I ain't about to sympathize wif no male.
Smart move, I was just commenting on the poem not passing judgement. Males are horrendous creatures. . . .of any species.
|
