Standing Caravan

[dusboss]

First edit

Hollow and quiet this road became,
the higher force took its leg off the pedal
forgetting to put it back.
Now the standing caravan is full of children
who are waiting to be out and without restriction,
to see all of the colours that nature draws.
As lively as they might appear
caravan kids keep on failing
Every action is shattered
leaving no chance to succeed...

Original

Hollow and quiet this road became,
the higher force took its leg off the pedal
forgeting to take it back.
Now the standing caravan is full of children
who are waiting to be out and without restriction,
to see all of the colours that nature draws.
As lively as they might appear
caravan kids keep on failing
Every action is shattered
leaving no chance to succeed...

[newsclippings]

Hollow and quiet this road became, A promising start...
the higher force took its leg off the pedal What higher force? God? It might be better to identify the entity.
forgeting to take it back. Did you mean, "forgetting to put it back"?
Now the standing caravan is full of children Did the children magically appear?
who are waiting to be out and without restriction, I think this could be reworded.
to see all of the colours that nature draws. this sentence is a little awkward--"that nature draws" is a little peculiar. I would keep it concise and say "To see all of nature's [insert adjective] colours."
As lively as they might appear punctuation perhaps?
caravan kids keep on failing
Every action is shattered
leaving no chance to succeed... These last three lines do not make sense to me.

I see an impeccable setting for a great poem. You just need to edit the parts that don't really make sense.

[jdguyb]

It's hard to grasp the message hear. Why are the kids in a caravan? Why are they restricted? Is there an evil little man at the head of the caravan? You need to provide more imagery

[dusboss]

Hollow and quiet this road became, A promising start...
the higher force took its leg off the pedal What higher force? God? It might be better to identify the entity.
forgeting to take it back. Did you mean, "forgetting to put it back"?
Now the standing caravan is full of children Did the children magically appear?
who are waiting to be out and without restriction, I think this could be reworded.
to see all of the colours that nature draws. this sentence is a little awkward--"that nature draws" is a little peculiar. I would keep it concise and say "To see all of nature's [insert adjective] colours."
As lively as they might appear punctuation perhaps?
caravan kids keep on failing
Every action is shattered
leaving no chance to succeed... These last three lines do not make sense to me.

I see an impeccable setting for a great poem. You just need to edit the parts that don't really make sense.

To start off, about second line, well it could be god but it could be something else or someone, so it's up to you to get it in any way you want. Line 3 thanks for correction. Line four, no they didn't, children have been in the caravan since the start but I brought it up just now. Line 6, you could put it that way but I think the way you wrote it is a bit used and not so unique as it is now, it probably is strange but it's "different" and that's what I like. The last three lines are explanation to why are children restricted and why can't go out.