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I feel it floating, through me
reminds of a river crying for the sea
I feel it burning around my wrists;
breaking the shackles, freeing me
What is it I feel?
I seek it, In me
I found it many times, thou-
I've been deceived
It, at last, reached me
I can sense it,
It may remind you-
of a river,
crying for the sea
The love it is I feel
Yep, I'm awesome at making signatures too, be jealous :p
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(07-20-2013, 06:52 AM)Sonata Wrote: I feel it floating, through meIt? It? What is this it? you need to demonstrate an abilty to describe the indefinite in some more accomplished way. You tell me little of consequence and nothing of your own intent. We have a floating thing flowing...two counter-intuitive parameters. What are you trying to say?
reminds of a river crying for the sea reminds ME. Sloppy editing if at all.
I feel it burning around my wrists;
breaking the shackles, freeing me
What is it I feel? I can understand why you have no title.
I seek it, In mewhy capital In. These errors are tedious. Read the rules of Serious before posting.
I found it many times, thou-
I've been deceivedUtter tripe.thou-I've?
It, at last, reached me
I can sense it,
It may remind you- Do some work yourself. Find out what a hyphen is for
of a river,
crying for the sea
The love it is I feel ....when all has failed, end on a flourish of Yoda Hi sonata,
Not having a title is symptomatic of what is wrong with this effort. I am very much gladdened by your self-promoted ability at making "awesome" signatures but could you just for once concentrate on your poetry.
I know you cannot take crit but if you really want to improve you MUST listen . This is abominably boring and really, and I see your problem, not worthy of a title.
Not many are prepared to comment on your stuff for fear of an hysterical rebuttal but as I only care about the poetry I am immune.
Read your work. Make sure that you are concept-clear. Write in precise terms ( even poetic licence permits for that) and stop being a prima donna. It is affecting your poetry.
Oh, when I said you must listen....I didn't mean to me. A bargepole-distant plangent bell tolls forlornly over your efforts....it is the sound of silence..is that what you want?
Best,
tectak
Posts: 36
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Joined: Jan 2013
Thank you very much for your critique
I guess my head is in the clouds way too much
I'm sorry for that, I should definitely concetrate more on poetry ~ and on a process of learning, considering I'm here to learn.
Thank you once more
Yep, I'm awesome at making signatures too, be jealous :p
Posts: 2,602
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(07-21-2013, 05:13 AM)Sonata Wrote: Thank you very much for your critique
I guess my head is in the clouds way too much
I'm sorry for that, I should definitely concetrate more on poetry ~ and on a process of learning, considering I'm here to learn.
Thank you once more
I'm waiting for the sting in the tail....if there is no evidence of such an expected event....edit it to clarity and repost. Let's workshop.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 36
Threads: 23
Joined: Jan 2013
Well I finally turned 18
gotta start acting like an adult I guess
Sorry for all the trouble I caused in the past
Yep, I'm awesome at making signatures too, be jealous :p
Posts: 2,602
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(07-22-2013, 07:21 AM)Sonata Wrote: Well I finally turned 18
gotta start acting like an adult I guess
Sorry for all the trouble I caused in the past
No to the acting...you ARE one!
Let's go.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 8
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What i really like about this poem is "a river crying for the sea" - beautiful! And then at the end you reveal that it is actually love, that yearning feeling methaphored as a river... I like that! That is the strenght of the poem and what you should really focus on and try to expand further.
The rest of the poem is quite meaningless and completely lacks form. That's the bad news. The good news is you don't need to worry about thoroughly altering it when you reedit the poem.
Good luck!!
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(07-20-2013, 06:52 AM)Sonata Wrote: I feel it floating, through me
I believe you could elaborate a little more on what "it" is. Currently, it doesn't work.
reminds of a river crying for the sea reminds me
I feel it burning around my wrists;
again "it" doesnt transist very well.
breaking the shackles, freeing me
What is it I feel? this line seems awkward to me
I seek it, In me
I found it many times, thou-
I've been deceived
I don't think "thou" is needed. I also think if you found it, you'd have a grasp on what it is. Beforehand, you didnt know what it was, now you find it many times.
It, at last, reached me
I can sense it,
It may remind you-
of a river,
crying for the sea
the above 4 lines don't really convey much. More de[th and imagery is needed.
The love it is I feellast line needs reworking
I think you got a concrete starting point to build a poem. You could adopt better imagery so it has some depth in it.
I once told this blond chick to screw in a light bulb..
She got naked and asked "how do I get in it?"
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