The Kiss

[expiring_touch]

Await the yellow haze, dark seated,
Tight room in leather
smoldering
cigar.
Your furtive mouth escapes -
my fingers linger
I lurk
On and beyond
its edges.


This final step -
Off of the precipice
The bestial - almost –
excitement
gleams
of naked eye
Beguiling: waive my wrists,

it is too easy

I tremble, once again, -
A weeping cobweb in
unwilling wind.

[Todd]

Hi expiring touch, welcome to the site.

There's quite a bit I like here, comments below:

Await the yellow haze, dark seated,
Tight room in leather
smoldering--like the break here for how it plays off the emotion and the cigar in the next line.
cigar. --Not sure if cigar is enough to hold the line on its own. Consider pulling the next line up to follow it.
Your furtive mouth escapes ---another - for the emdash
my fingers linger--I either want to see the other side of the emdash here or I'd like the punctuation after escapes removed and an as placed before my
I lurk
On and beyond
its edges.


This final step -
Off of the precipice--no capitalization of "off"
The bestial - almost –--again love the almost clean up the emdash with an additional --
excitement
gleams
of naked eye--Naked eye is cliche. I think you could find a better substitute
Beguiling: waive my wrists,

it is too easy

I tremble, once again, -
A weeping cobweb in--this last phrase is awesome. I think the break on the preposition is weak though. Maybe move in down before unwilling
unwilling wind.

It's a good start. I hope some of the comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd