The Lonely Artist
#1
An artist can’t keep friends,
they simply can’t.
An artist must be lonely,
and they cannot love.
No one will want to watch you die,
every day.

Being an artist requires suicide,
after each stroke of the paint brush.
And after each new pencil tip, canvas, or sculpture,
An artist must be reborn.
When each new project is over,
kill yourself again.

An artist must let go,
of every identity they once had.
An artist must become something different,
so that they may create something new.
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#2
(07-24-2013, 10:23 AM)TheWall0912 Wrote:  An artist can’t keep friends,
they simply can’t.
An artist must be lonely,
and they cannot love.
No one will want to watch you die,
every day.

Being an artist requires suicide,
after each stroke of the paint brush.
And after each new pencil tip, canvas, or sculpture,
An artist must be reborn.
When each new project is over,
kill yourself again.

An artist must let go,
of every identity they once had.
An artist must become something different,
so that they may create something new.

Hi there,
Just a few thoughts and suggestions..
I don't think you need the comma in L3.
Do you need the comma in L5? And again with S2 L1. And S3 L1.
I like where you're going with this poem. I think you could trim off some excess words here and there.
This is of course JMHO, to be used or binned at will.
Best,
LB
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#3
Is the message your trying to convey that after each project an artist must be reborn? I think it is. Nice poem. I love the fact that you say an artist must kill themselves before each project. I agree with volaticus here. The commas need to go. But otherwise great poem man. I just hope you don't literally kill yourself after each project. That would be a shame. The poem seems dark and light at the same time like your saving the reader from something. There's a sense of satisfaction at the end of the poem. The end of the poem fills me with joy. Thanks for posting
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#4
I can never really get the right message without my poems rhyming but you do it quite well, beautiful poetry
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#5
(07-26-2013, 07:26 PM)Tbirabent Wrote:  I can never really get the right message without my poems rhyming but you do it quite well, beautiful poetry

this is not considered valid crit for the feed back forums. You have one comment about yourself with "beautiful poetry" tacked on the end of it. Try to point out what you thought worked or didn't work, what made it "beautiful". Use specific examples from the poem itself.

/mod
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#6
That the artist is recreating himself and giving it away is evident and nicely done.

The method of capitalization has a random feeling and I think you'd be better to just capitalize properly-- or even capitalize the start of every line, but it needs to be more consistent. For example:

Quote:Being an artist requires suicide,
after each stroke of the paint brush. --lowercase start mid-sentence
And after each new pencil tip, canvas, or sculpture,
An artist must be reborn. --uppercase start mid-sentence



All-in-all, I thought that it felt fresh the way you said what I have often thought in a new way: My gift is my curse.

Thanks for sharing Smile
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#7
This is probably the best poem I have read in some time, there is emotion and truth that I can attach to. I like the way you described artist as a unique being, strange and different in many ways, at least that's how I understood the first paragraph. Later on, artist can't get too attached to his piece, he has to give it attention while he's working on it, once he's finished he has to let it go and not turn back, really nice way you showed it.
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#8
(07-24-2013, 10:23 AM)TheWall0912 Wrote:  An artist can’t keep friends,
they simply can’t. I don't see the need for redundancy. While the first line is potent, I think it'd be nice to rework these two, because you're making all these declarations seemingly without merit.
An artist must be lonely,
and they cannot love.
No one will want to watch you die,
every day. Does the act of loving make you die, or being an artist? This is vague. Also you repeat "An artist..." and I'm not sure it's doing your poem justice. There are great ideas in here for what an artist is, but I think you are capable of finding the trigger and pulling it on your audience.

Being an artist requires suicide,
after each stroke of the paint brush.
And after each new pencil tip, canvas, or sculpture,
An artist must be reborn.
When each new project is over,
kill yourself again.
Perhaps suicide isn't the right word. You're going through a birth and rebirth here. I would consolidate all of these lines as well. I would also maybe assign a "he" or "she" to the artist. And lastly, you are switching off between third and second person.

An artist must let go,
of every identity they once had.
An artist must become something different,
so that they may create something new.
I feel like you're are saying the same thing in every verse, though this one is probably your strongest.

This poem is a little maddening. As an artist myself, I don't agree with everything said, but that's what poetry's about. The fact that you're giving a lecture in such declarative tones makes it hard to like, for me, personally. Overall, not bad for novice, and I ultimately enjoyed the read.
I'll be there in a minute.
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