My Blood, My Vengence

[DeviousKid45]

Granting you forgiveness, none,
For what matters most is what you've done,
Don't take it too kindly,
Thinking you'll ever get away,
But alas, you are sadly mistaken,
If you think that even for a moment,
That you will ever get away,

I am patient, no more,
Crime that you committed,
Cannot be pardoned,
Your soul will not have peace,
I will hunt you down even as you plead,
I have no mercy,
I do not forgive,

I forget your crimes, not,
They are burned within my mind,
As I see the one I loved suffer,
From such an unspeakable sin,
How dare you even think,
That you could commit a crime,
Thinking it justified,

I say peace, not anymore,
I wage a war that destroys the world,
Hide, you coward, hide,
Run, you bastard, run,
Nothing on Earth,
Will restrain me,
Not even Death himself,

Your plea for mercy, denied,
I grant no forgiveness,
I grant no mercy,
I grant no relent,
For your crime is too great,
Such deed cannot be erased,
My rage cannot be replaced,

I murdered you,
For I don't forgive,
For I don't forget,
You deserve Death,
Not even ten years in prison,
Is deserving of your kind of sin,

I burned you,
And turn you to ash,
As you burn I spit in your face,
I stomp on your body,
As it was consumed by flames,
Of anger,
Of justice.

[tectak]

Granting you forgiveness, none, We are embarking on a very long and gramatically hopeless sentence. You need to look carefully at your intent. On a first read, whatever virtues the concept may have (frankly, I see none at this point. It is hackneyed and pseudo-dramatic) it is lost in a mire of miserably misjudged syntax and complete ineptitude in the use of language. That said, you posted here and presumably intend workshopping this effort to some higher standard. All of the following comments are to that end. It will be difficult.
For what matters most is what you've done, Full stop here.
Don't take it too kindly,
Thinking you'll ever get away,
But alas, you are sadly mistaken, The clumsily expressed phrasing in this last four lines removes whatever sense you may be trying to transmit to the reader. There are contradictions of logic, don't take it "too" kindly has no meaning. The implication is that your subject should take it kindly, but just enough to...er...what? The line beginning " Thinking you'll ever ..." does not connect to the previous line in any conceivable way. Read your work out loud and HEAR what you have written. Stop capitalising each line start. It is confusing, schoolboyish and dated. To compound the nonsense you repeat the "...ever get away" almost as though you have completely run out if words. Have you?
If you think that even for a moment,
That you will ever get away,

I am patient, no more,
Crime that you committed,
Cannot be pardoned,
Your soul will not have peace,
I will hunt you down even as you plead,
I have no mercy,
I do not forgive, This lacks all poetic purpose. It is barren and devoid of the green shoots of life. You need metaphor and imagery to stir blood into the words. It is an impotent rant.

I forget your crimes, not, Hopelessly dated American cheap TV technique, adopted as always by the youthful and/or mindless mass. Very good. Not. Give me strength!
They are burned within my mind,
As I see the one I loved suffer,
From such an unspeakable sin,
How dare you even think,
That you could commit a crime,
Thinking it justified, That's how. Sorry, what was the question? That's what a question mark is for. Basic errors should not be present in this forum. See rules.

I say peace, not anymore, The rest is cut and paste crit. See end
I wage a war that destroys the world,
Hide, you coward, hide,
Run, you bastard, run,
Nothing on Earth,
Will restrain me,
Not even Death himself,

Your plea for mercy, denied,
I grant no forgiveness,
I grant no mercy,
I grant no relent,
For your crime is too great,
Such deed cannot be erased,
My rage cannot be replaced,

I murdered you,
For I don't forgive,
For I don't forget,
You deserve Death,
Not even ten years in prison,
Is deserving of your kind of sin,

I burned you,
And turn you to ash,
As you burn I spit in your face,
I stomp on your body,
As it was consumed by flames,
Of anger,
Of justice.

Hi.
It is boring. Above all else it is boring. It is a badly constructed repetitive, predictable rant.
Try cutting it to the bone by removing all phrasing which begins with "and", "as", "for", but" or "that". These are the weakest links of all. You may find that you only have a few lines left. This is what I envisage:

You are a bastard.
How the hell you thought
you would get away with
fucking with me
I cannot imagine.
I'll kill you if I can.

The End

Is that a fair summary?
If you think not tell me why not and we will try to put the metaphorical flesh back on to the piece but with some degree of control.
Best,
tectak

[DeviousKid45]

Granting you forgiveness, none, We are embarking on a very long and gramatically hopeless sentence. You need to look carefully at your intent. On a first read, whatever virtues the concept may have (frankly, I see none at this point. It is hackneyed and pseudo-dramatic) it is lost in a mire of miserably misjudged syntax and complete ineptitude in the use of language. That said, you posted here and presumably intend workshopping this effort to some higher standard. All of the following comments are to that end. It will be difficult.
For what matters most is what you've done, Full stop here.
Don't take it too kindly,
Thinking you'll ever get away,
But alas, you are sadly mistaken, The clumsily expressed phrasing in this last four lines removes whatever sense you may be trying to transmit to the reader. There are contradictions of logic, don't take it "too" kindly has no meaning. The implication is that your subject should take it kindly, but just enough to...er...what? The line beginning " Thinking you'll ever ..." does not connect to the previous line in any conceivable way. Read your work out loud and HEAR what you have written. Stop capitalising each line start. It is confusing, schoolboyish and dated. To compound the nonsense you repeat the "...ever get away" almost as though you have completely run out if words. Have you?
If you think that even for a moment,
That you will ever get away,

I am patient, no more,
Crime that you committed,
Cannot be pardoned,
Your soul will not have peace,
I will hunt you down even as you plead,
I have no mercy,
I do not forgive, This lacks all poetic purpose. It is barren and devoid of the green shoots of life. You need metaphor and imagery to stir blood into the words. It is an impotent rant.

I forget your crimes, not, Hopelessly dated American cheap TV technique, adopted as always by the youthful and/or mindless mass. Very good. Not. Give me strength!
They are burned within my mind,
As I see the one I loved suffer,
From such an unspeakable sin,
How dare you even think,
That you could commit a crime,
Thinking it justified, That's how. Sorry, what was the question? That's what a question mark is for. Basic errors should not be present in this forum. See rules.

I say peace, not anymore, The rest is cut and paste crit. See end
I wage a war that destroys the world,
Hide, you coward, hide,
Run, you bastard, run,
Nothing on Earth,
Will restrain me,
Not even Death himself,

Your plea for mercy, denied,
I grant no forgiveness,
I grant no mercy,
I grant no relent,
For your crime is too great,
Such deed cannot be erased,
My rage cannot be replaced,

I murdered you,
For I don't forgive,
For I don't forget,
You deserve Death,
Not even ten years in prison,
Is deserving of your kind of sin,

I burned you,
And turn you to ash,
As you burn I spit in your face,
I stomp on your body,
As it was consumed by flames,
Of anger,
Of justice.

Hi.
It is boring. Above all else it is boring. It is a badly constructed repetitive, predictable rant.
Try cutting it to the bone by removing all phrasing which begins with "and", "as", "for", but" or "that". These are the weakest links of all. You may find that you only have a few lines left. This is what I envisage:

You are a bastard.
How the hell you thought
you would get away with
fucking with me
I cannot imagine.
I'll kill you if I can.

The End

Is that a fair summary?
If you think not tell me why not and we will try to put the metaphorical flesh back on to the piece but with some degree of control.
Best,
tectak

Hmmm... way too short. As for the grammatical error that was intentional. Repetition is part of it. I intend to convey some instability here to give the reader a sense that the narrator is unstable. As for the dated style, well, I was inspired by Edgar Allan Poe.

Although, I do like the idea of cutting it bare bones. Now I want to expand it and make it dark and broody.

[tectak]

Granting you forgiveness, none, We are embarking on a very long and gramatically hopeless sentence. You need to look carefully at your intent. On a first read, whatever virtues the concept may have (frankly, I see none at this point. It is hackneyed and pseudo-dramatic) it is lost in a mire of miserably misjudged syntax and complete ineptitude in the use of language. That said, you posted here and presumably intend workshopping this effort to some higher standard. All of the following comments are to that end. It will be difficult.
For what matters most is what you've done, Full stop here.
Don't take it too kindly,
Thinking you'll ever get away,
But alas, you are sadly mistaken, The clumsily expressed phrasing in this last four lines removes whatever sense you may be trying to transmit to the reader. There are contradictions of logic, don't take it "too" kindly has no meaning. The implication is that your subject should take it kindly, but just enough to...er...what? The line beginning " Thinking you'll ever ..." does not connect to the previous line in any conceivable way. Read your work out loud and HEAR what you have written. Stop capitalising each line start. It is confusing, schoolboyish and dated. To compound the nonsense you repeat the "...ever get away" almost as though you have completely run out if words. Have you?
If you think that even for a moment,
That you will ever get away,

I am patient, no more,
Crime that you committed,
Cannot be pardoned,
Your soul will not have peace,
I will hunt you down even as you plead,
I have no mercy,
I do not forgive, This lacks all poetic purpose. It is barren and devoid of the green shoots of life. You need metaphor and imagery to stir blood into the words. It is an impotent rant.

I forget your crimes, not, Hopelessly dated American cheap TV technique, adopted as always by the youthful and/or mindless mass. Very good. Not. Give me strength!
They are burned within my mind,
As I see the one I loved suffer,
From such an unspeakable sin,
How dare you even think,
That you could commit a crime,
Thinking it justified, That's how. Sorry, what was the question? That's what a question mark is for. Basic errors should not be present in this forum. See rules.

I say peace, not anymore, The rest is cut and paste crit. See end
I wage a war that destroys the world,
Hide, you coward, hide,
Run, you bastard, run,
Nothing on Earth,
Will restrain me,
Not even Death himself,

Your plea for mercy, denied,
I grant no forgiveness,
I grant no mercy,
I grant no relent,
For your crime is too great,
Such deed cannot be erased,
My rage cannot be replaced,

I murdered you,
For I don't forgive,
For I don't forget,
You deserve Death,
Not even ten years in prison,
Is deserving of your kind of sin,

I burned you,
And turn you to ash,
As you burn I spit in your face,
I stomp on your body,
As it was consumed by flames,
Of anger,
Of justice.

Hi.
It is boring. Above all else it is boring. It is a badly constructed repetitive, predictable rant.
Try cutting it to the bone by removing all phrasing which begins with "and", "as", "for", but" or "that". These are the weakest links of all. You may find that you only have a few lines left. This is what I envisage:

You are a bastard.
How the hell you thought
you would get away with
fucking with me
I cannot imagine.
I'll kill you if I can.

The End

Is that a fair summary?
If you think not tell me why not and we will try to put the metaphorical flesh back on to the piece but with some degree of control.
Best,
tectak

Hmmm... way too short. As for the grammatical error that was intentional. Repetition is part of it. I intend to convey some instability here to give the reader a sense that the narrator is unstable. As for the dated style, well, I was inspired by Edgar Allan Poe.

Although, I do like the idea of cutting it bare bones. Now I want to expand it and make it dark and broody.

You know, I just knew the poor grammar was intentional...what a relief. You won't believe this , but I am a huge fan of good'ol EA! As I was reading this, well, I was sure it was he himself writing it. Amazing.
Now I'll stop taking the piss if you will and together we make something out of this piece. I hope you repost it, edited to perfection.
I look forward to seeing it.
Best,
tectak

[DeviousKid45]

Hi.
It is boring. Above all else it is boring. It is a badly constructed repetitive, predictable rant.
Try cutting it to the bone by removing all phrasing which begins with "and", "as", "for", but" or "that". These are the weakest links of all. You may find that you only have a few lines left. This is what I envisage:

You are a bastard.
How the hell you thought
you would get away with
fucking with me
I cannot imagine.
I'll kill you if I can.

The End

Is that a fair summary?
If you think not tell me why not and we will try to put the metaphorical flesh back on to the piece but with some degree of control.
Best,
tectak

Hmmm... way too short. As for the grammatical error that was intentional. Repetition is part of it. I intend to convey some instability here to give the reader a sense that the narrator is unstable. As for the dated style, well, I was inspired by Edgar Allan Poe.

Although, I do like the idea of cutting it bare bones. Now I want to expand it and make it dark and broody.

You know, I just knew the poor grammar was intentional...what a relief. You won't believe this , but I am a huge fan of good'ol EA! As I was reading this, well, I was sure it was he himself writing it. Amazing.
Now I'll stop taking the piss if you will and together we make something out of this piece. I hope you repost it, edited to perfection.
I look forward to seeing it.
Best,
tectak

Thanks!
Good egg,
edit and repost,
best,
tectak

[Bunx]

Granting you forgiveness, none,
For what matters most is what you've done,
Don't take it too kindly,
Thinking you'll ever get away,
But alas, you are sadly mistaken,
If you think that even for a moment,
That you will ever get away,the rhyme seems smooths but i am rushed to read all of this due to the fact that you are making one statement indicated by no periods in this first stanza. I wan't to get away from reading so fast. very batman esk

I am patient, no more,
Crime that you committed,
Cannot be pardoned,
Your soul will not have peace,
I will hunt you down even as you plead,
I have no mercy,
I do not forgive,So many I's in this stanza try replace I with He

I forget your crimes, not,
They are burned within my mind,
As I see the one I loved suffer,
From such an unspeakable sin,
How dare you even think,
That you could commit a crime,What crime? not sure to which you are referring to, speeding tickets?
Thinking it justified,

I say peace, not anymore,
I wage a war that destroys the world,innocent people included?
Hide, you coward, hide,
Run, you bastard, run,
Nothing on Earth,
Will restrain me,
Not even Death himself,

Your plea for mercy, denied,
I grant no forgiveness,
I grant no mercy,
I grant no relent,I am confused to the subject matter of the poem
For your crime is too great,
Such deed cannot be erased,
My rage cannot be replaced,

I murdered you,
For I don't forgive,
For I don't forget,
You deserve Death,
Not even ten years in prison,
Is deserving of your kind of sin,what again did the subject do?

I burned you,
And turn you to ash,
As you burn I spit in your face,
I stomp on your body,
As it was consumed by flames,
Of anger,
Of justice.

[milo]

I am going to move this thread to "nild" as it isn't quite up to the standard where we could give it serious work shopping. Maybe edit it a few times and we can move it back after you make some improvements.

moved to a more appropriate forum /mod