Untitled [First Post]

[Cosmolatry]

Why is life like this? So unforgiving and so brutal? It's almost funny. All I wanted was to live like a prince in a castle. But I live as a pauper in a in a dungeon. I'm worn and tattered like my hopes of getting my love back. I'm tearing apart at the seams praying to see you as unhappy without me as I am without you. But I've failed you. I've wanted you for so long but when I got you, I forgot you. Now I'm having trouble forgetting you. So I won't fight it. Instead of fighting it, I start writing it. Writing about how beautiful you were to me. And how much you meant to me. About how your looks could be described as nothing but pure beauty. And how your mind bewildered me. It's funny how artistic we become when our hearts are broken. But you're worth it. Do you want to know the funniest thing? You don't even know it. 

[billy]

the block of writing takes the poetry away from it.

i'm guessing the formatting was lost in the copy and pasting.

as it is it's not so good, try and shorten the lines so we can have a proper look at it.

for now, it is cliche in more than few places,

[jdguyb]

It reads like a journal entry. Try thinking stanza's not sentences. But I do like the little rhyme in the middle. IT flows nicely. That's the best part of this "poem". Its more like a paragraph

[milo]

I have to agree with the others: I do not like the "journal" style format (if it indeed was intentional). While I think you hit upon universal sentiments, the presentation throws me off completely. I wish the whole piece had rhymed (I'm not a fan of half-rhymes; it throws me off kilter). But it may not be a "rhymable" poem. I must disagree with Billy, for I think, if used correctly, cliches are/can be wonderful attributes for a poem (after all, cliches exist for a reason).

A note on cliches - one of the first things you need to learn about poetry is that cliches are poem killers. Writers need to come up with fresh, original language. A very skilled poet can use a cliche usually by poking fun at it, but it is best to hunt down and kill every one of them until you become very, very skilled at the control and manipulation of words.

In this instance, the cliches are not fresh or original, they are tired, tawdry and boring.

[tectak]

I have to agree with the others: I do not like the "journal" style format (if it indeed was intentional). While I think you hit upon universal sentiments, the presentation throws me off completely. I wish the whole piece had rhymed (I'm not a fan of half-rhymes; it throws me off kilter). But it may not be a "rhymable" poem. I must disagree with Billy, for I think, if used correctly, cliches are/can be wonderful attributes for a poem (after all, cliches exist for a reason).

Yes...of course cliches "exist" (?) for a reason...but it is that very reason which so amply and damagingly indicates the aspiring poets inability to think new and original thoughts.
I cannot think if any circumstance where les mots nouveaux could be bettered by a threadbare old cliche....except in the way milo describes. Best avoid them.
Best and off topic,
tectak

[milo]

I think it is fine to agree to disagree. I enjoy a good cliche, if executed properly. It's just a matter of taste, and perhaps my taste is poor (after all, I love John Waters films). I don't believe cliches necessarily "kill" poems; depending on execution, it can enhance or "cheapen" (as Billy put it) a poem. But, hey; that's just me. I'm no professor lol

It is not a matter of taste, you just haven't learned why cliches are wrong in poetry yet, if you study long enough you may learn. Either way, the place to discuss this is in the Discussion forum, /not/ in the thread of one of the critical forums. All posts in the critical forums should refer to the poem in some way.

And, just to lead by example, I would lke to point out the the linebreaks here don't work. A line should always break on a word of emphasis or importance, preferably a noun or verb, as the last word in a line always carries extra emphasis. A perfect line break will refer back to your central metaphor. Words like "of" don't do this.

[billy]

no, no matter how many times you say "this work" you're discussing in general, do that in the discussion boards/admin