Posts: 8
Threads: 10
Joined: Jun 2013
Human Beings
"What is it that makes us human beings?"
Is it the gift of love without borders?
Is it the feeling of pride that
burns like a blazing fire?
Or is it the wherewithal to know right from wrong?
The forbidden truth of our lives
will be revealed in the afterlife.
"We will see what makes us human beings."
-Robbie Reaper
Posts: 522
Threads: 48
Joined: Nov 2012
Hi Robbie,
An ever popular subject but sadly you do go over some old chestnuts without offering much new.
My two thoughts are this could be trimmed down a lot and although you have offered images they are a bit tired and not working very hard.
All this said I still like that what you have done.
I'll offer a couple of contractions for your consideration below in bold.
(07-23-2013, 02:38 PM)Robbie Reaper Wrote: Human Beings
"What makes us human?" You already have beings in the title so no need for it on the first line
Is it the gift of love without borders? Perhaps for all of the "is it" lines you could have Is it as a stand alone line and then edit out all the other rpts.
Is it the feeling of pride that
burns like a blazing fire?
Or is it the wherewithal to know right from wrong?
The forbidden truth of our lives
will be revealed in the afterlife.
"We will see what makes us human beings."
-Robbie Reaper
Hope these comments have been of some help
All the best AJ
Oh sorry Robbie just noticed I'm in misc section... but having done the comments for the crit thought I might as well leave them for you to look through. But apoligies if this was not what you had posted for. AJ.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
we need more feedback than this in order to post on the three main poetry boards. please read the rules.
Posts: 8
Threads: 10
Joined: Jun 2013
(07-23-2013, 03:46 PM)cidermaid Wrote: Hi Robbie,
An ever popular subject but sadly you do go over some old chestnuts without offering much new.
My two thoughts are this could be trimmed down a lot and although you have offered images they are a bit tired and not working very hard.
All this said I still like that what you have done.
I'll offer a couple of contractions for your consideration below in bold.
(07-23-2013, 02:38 PM)Robbie Reaper Wrote: Human Beings
"What makes us human?" You already have beings in the title so no need for it on the first line
Is it the gift of love without borders? Perhaps for all of the "is it" lines you could have Is it as a stand alone line and then edit out all the other rpts.
Is it the feeling of pride that
burns like a blazing fire?
Or is it the wherewithal to know right from wrong?
The forbidden truth of our lives
will be revealed in the afterlife.
"We will see what makes us human beings."
-Robbie Reaper
Hope these comments have been of some help
All the best AJ
Oh sorry Robbie just noticed I'm in misc section... but having done the comments for the crit thought I might as well leave them for you to look through. But apoligies if this was not what you had posted for. AJ.
Hello,
Thank you for the constructive criticism. I agree. This composition is not exactly "a game changer." The reason why I have "beings" in the first line is because the title of the poem is "Human Beings"... If I changed it to just "human," the title of the poem would not make much sense. Also, as you may have noticed, the first and last lines follow a structure. (As do the "is it" lines). If I changed those things, it would throw the poem off.
Thank you for commenting,
Robbie Reaper
(07-23-2013, 04:03 PM)Cosmolatry Wrote: I enjoy it.
Hello,
Thank you.
From,
Robbie Reaper
Posts: 12
Threads: 3
Joined: Jul 2013
(07-24-2013, 07:32 AM)Robbie Reaper Wrote: (07-23-2013, 03:46 PM)cidermaid Wrote: Hi Robbie,
An ever popular subject but sadly you do go over some old chestnuts without offering much new.
My two thoughts are this could be trimmed down a lot and although you have offered images they are a bit tired and not working very hard.
All this said I still like that what you have done.
I'll offer a couple of contractions for your consideration below in bold.
(07-23-2013, 02:38 PM)Robbie Reaper Wrote: Human Beings
"What makes us human?" You already have beings in the title so no need for it on the first line
Is it the gift of love without borders? Perhaps for all of the "is it" lines you could have Is it as a stand alone line and then edit out all the other rpts.
Is it the feeling of pride that
burns like a blazing fire?
Or is it the wherewithal to know right from wrong?
The forbidden truth of our lives
will be revealed in the afterlife.
"We will see what makes us human beings."
-Robbie Reaper
Hope these comments have been of some help
All the best AJ
Oh sorry Robbie just noticed I'm in misc section... but having done the comments for the crit thought I might as well leave them for you to look through. But apoligies if this was not what you had posted for. AJ.
Hello,
Thank you for the constructive criticism. I agree. This composition is not exactly "a game changer." The reason why I have "beings" in the first line is because the title of the poem is "Human Beings"... If I changed it to just "human," the title of the poem would not make much sense. Also, as you may have noticed, the first and last lines follow a structure. (As do the "is it" lines). If I changed those things, it would throw the poem off.
Thank you for commenting,
Robbie Reaper
(07-23-2013, 04:03 PM)Cosmolatry Wrote: I enjoy it.
Hello,
Thank you.
From,
Robbie Reaper
Perhaps it is due to the fact that I am not very familiar with poetry, but I didn't find it ' Old hat ', it made me think. Maybe you should try re-working it. Thank You anyway.
