Love the honest feedback

[ElyseKelly]

Apart of. Apart from.
Like snowflakes - appearing the same, but none identical. Together, transforms wonder; alone, melts then evaporates.
STAB to the self we all possess, we, in it's entirety, cannot control.
Act as the witness and unveil truth. Act without self, and unveil peace.
self is trickery that fuels fools.

[Volaticus]

Apart of. Apart from.
Like snowflakes - appearing the same, but none identical. Together, transforms wonder; alone, melts then evaporates.
STAB to the self we all possess, we, in it's entirety, cannot control.
Act as the witness and unveil truth. Act without self, and unveil peace.
self is trickery that fuels fools.

Hi Elyse,
It seems you have a good idea behind this poem, and I like that.
I wish you'd given the poem a title.
Maybe you could break up your lines some; I don't think it reads so well the way it is now. It's somewhat confusing.
L3 needs some work, I think. It reads rather awkward.
With some work, I think this could be a quite decent poem.
All is of course JMHO.
Keep writing.
Best, LB

[billy]

hi elyse

i'm guessing you pasted it from somewhere else and it messed up the formatting
i would just reinforce what LB said
if you can sort the line lengths out you'll get more feedback

[R.C. KITCHENS]

Apart of. Apart from.
Like snowflakes - appearing the same, but none identical. Together, transforms wonder; alone, melts then evaporates.
STAB to the self we all possess, we, in it's entirety, cannot control.
Act as the witness and unveil truth. Act without self, and unveil peace.
self is trickery that fuels fools.

I agree, The way it is formatted makes it harder to read. I like the compactness of the poem, I did wonder what the "Apart of. Apart from" implied until I got to the end where it become evident that "self" is apart of and apart from. I think you could lose "but" in the second line if you chose to and it would still read fine. I also think if you wanted to, that you could substitute one of the "unveil"s for "reveal". Just some opinions.
Welcome to the forum

[TheWall0912]

I am no expert and just starting to write poetry myself, but this is a decent poem. I really like the last line, "self is trickery that fuels fools." I think there is a really deep meaning here. I would also suggest changing the format up a bit. Break the longer lines up into shorter ones, it might help the flow.

[jdguyb]

It seems a little random. Maybe some more organization. I see a couple lines that in themselves can be two lines. This would make the poem easier to read

[Todd]

Apart of. Apart from.
Like snowflakes - appearing the same, but none identical. Together, transforms wonder; alone, melts then evaporates.
STAB to the self we all possess, we, in it's entirety, cannot control.
Act as the witness and unveil truth. Act without self, and unveil peace.
self is trickery that fuels fools.

This sort of loses me right in the beginning. It feels like you're misusing apart of (sp). It should be "a part of". Once we get into the piece, it doesn't feel that there's a lot being said. It feels mostly circular with the appearance of wisdom.

It didn't work for me. Sorry I couldn't be more positive.

Best,

Todd