Alone

[c.gutzwiller]

Standing in the cattle crowd of fashion painted clones.
Insipid words that string along into an endless drone.
All around me act as one, that's when I feel alone.

Framing into phrasing all the feelings that I own;
Finding that the more I try the more I turn to stone
Fighting to express myself, that's when I feel alone.

My mind invokes the images of lives I may have known.
Knowing that I clipped my wings and wishing that I'd flown.
Wondering who I could be, that's when I feel alone.

Watching myself reaching out for sins I don't condone.
Wondering how I proceed, wanting to atone.
A stranger in the mirror says that's when I feel alone.

Shoulder brushing shoulder; clichés I trade intone.
Realizing that they're hiding secrets of their own.
Bonded in our solitude, united and alone.

[Ela]

I love the first line! I think it works really well as an opening.

The rhythm and rhyme are very well sustained so it has a nice flow. (The first two lines are the only ones that end on an imperfect rhyme but I don't feel like it disrupts the flow in any way...)

Is there a reason, why the second stanza has different punctuation at the end of the lines than all the other stanzas?

I like the poem as a whole, but I thought that maybe a little more imagery would be good...? With the first line I immediately have a very clear (and interesting) picture in my head and I can completely relate to what the narrator is talking about, but after that it sort of feels more like a narration of his feelings.
Like: "My mind invokes the images of lives I may have known." --> maybe it would be more powerful if we got a glimpse of what those images are...?
I'm not sure, I'm not really an expert... just a thought

Enjoyed reading it, so thanks!

[billy]

i like the way you switch the repetition about, the rhymes work well though you did use own twice. it wouldn't take a lot of effort to turn your triplets into a villanelle. the 1st line really sets the poem off nicely.
thanks for the read.

Standing in the cattle crowd of fashion painted clones.
Insipid words that string along into an endless drone.
All around me act as one, that's when I feel alone.

Framing into phrasing all the feelings that I own;
Finding that the more I try the more I turn to stone
Fighting to express myself, that's when I feel alone.

My mind invokes the images of lives I may have known.
Knowing that I clipped my wings and wishing that I'd flown.
Wondering who I could be, that's when I feel alone.

Watching myself reaching out for sins I don't condone.
Wondering how I proceed, wanting to atone.
A stranger in the mirror says that's when I feel alone.

Shoulder brushing shoulder; clichés I trade intone.
Realizing that they're hiding secrets of their own.
Bonded in our solitude, united and alone.

[cidermaid]

There is a lot to like in this poem. It has a lovely rythem and pace. I also particularly like the first line...well the whole of the first stanza in particular.

Billy mentions a villanelle. Your poem made me think it was leaning towards a sestina or rather a tritina and i thought it would be easy and perhaps fun to turn it into one of these, as i felt the repitition would be an echo of the alone element. This said it works well as you have produced it so far. My only crit at this stage would be that I would have liked the odd line to be a syllable longer / shorter in a couple of lines to make it a consistant 13 count. (sorry i'm OCD about syllables sometimes - given my count below...have been known to be wrong before so check for yourself).
St1 L2 = 14
St3 L1 = 14
St4 L2 = 12
st5 L1= 12

Overall very nice.
AJ.

[Dru Flores]

This was a nice read. I liked the alliteration in this. Made it have a nice flow. Favorite line was probably this one.

"Knowing that I clipped my wings and wishing that I'd flown"

Yeah man, I could tell you were feeling this. However,I think it could've used a little more emotion for the reader. Still a pretty dope poem. Keep at it.

[ivey2terry]

Every time I read this poem I realize how accurate it is to today's society. My favorite part is the 4th stanza where you were talking about peer pressure I could relate to the whole poem and that captivated me. The punctuation in the 2nd stanza is weird though.

[jblue1622]

Hello Jblue here, first time posting here, just stumbled onto this forum, anyway into my critique at first I was turned off because of the repetitive rhyming, but as I read it aloud a second time I came to appreciate it better, and I think the flow works well, and I actually like the repetitive rhyming of the last line of every stanza, The opening is good, and I like that the poem shifts with the rhyming of the second line, perhaps if you could work a rhyme in there that works with drones maybe that would be interesting also, it doesn't have to be in the same stanza, but then again that is symbolic as I think about it because that first rhyme is standing "alone" so maybe it works well, I agree with one of the comments above I think maybe an image could be created rather than speaking about images, usually when someone starts speaking about images in their head they begin to explain about them, or that is what a good writer would do. or they would just go right into the images, because there really is no need to tell the reader that you're seeing images if you just start saying what images you're seeing. Can't think of anything else, anyway keep up the good work

[Zerric]

Standing in the cattle crowd of fashion painted clones.
Insipid words that string along into an endless drone.
All around me act as one, that's when I feel alone.

Framing into phrasing all the feelings that I own;
Finding that the more I try the more I turn to stone.
Fighting to express myself, that's when I feel alone.

My mind invokes the images of lives I may have known.
Knowing that I clipped my wings and wishing that I'd flown.
Wondering who I could be, that's when I feel alone.

Watching myself reaching out for sins I don't condone.
Wondering how I proceed, wanting to atone.
A stranger in the mirror says, "That's when I feel alone."

Shoulder brushing shoulder; clichés I trade intone.
Realizing that they're hiding secrets of their own.
Bonded in our solitude, united and alone.

Overall its good...

You used Wondering twice...kinda throws you off while your reading...you should change one of them.
There's a really good word that means about the same thing as wondering and is only one letter different...i'll let you figure that one out

[tectak]

Standing in the cattle crowd of fashion painted clones.
Insipid words that string along into an endless drone.
All around me act as one, that's when I feel alone.

Framing into phrasing all the feelings that I own;
Finding that the more I try the more I turn to stone
Fighting to express myself, that's when I feel alone.

My mind invokes the images of lives I may have known.
Knowing that I clipped my wings and wishing that I'd flown.
Wondering who I could be, that's when I feel alone.

Watching myself reaching out for sins I don't condone.
Wondering how I proceed, wanting to atone.
A stranger in the mirror says that's when I feel alone.

Shoulder brushing shoulder; clichés I trade intone.
Realizing that they're hiding secrets of their own.
Bonded in our solitude, united and alone.

Hi cgutz,
I came on this by accident. I hope it is not a one-off. You really should repost in serious.It has some subtle areas to be considered. Cidermaid gives you good advice. It is worthy
Best,
tectak

[c.gutzwiller]

Standing in the cattle crowd of fashion painted clones.
Insipid chatter prattles, an endless drowning drone.
All around me act as one, that's when I feel alone.

Framing into phrasing all the feelings that I own.
Finding that the more I try the more I turn to stone.
Fighting to express myself, that's when I feel alone.

Dreaming of a drifting life, embracing the unknown.
Knowing that I clipped my wings and wishing that I'd flown.
Wondering who I could be, that's when I feel alone.

Watching myself reaching out for sins I don't condone.
Wondering how I proceed and wanting to atone.
A stranger in the mirror says that's when I feel alone.

Shoulders brushing blindly past; clichés I trade intone.
Realizing that they're hiding secrets of their own.
Bonded in our solitude, united and alone.

Note: Still trying to wrap my mind around a villanelle or other style but I wanted to make some of the smaller corrections. Thanks to all for the guidance!

[nopoet62]

I like this a lot. Wish I could come up with something insightful but I am neither wise nor intelligent enough to do so. Completely identify with the first line and sums up my vire on modern society.