07-21-2013, 04:54 PM
Remember those who fought in the trench
English, American, German and French
Gave their life's for their country and others
Feeling sorry for their lovers.
As the poppy's grow, the soldiers die
The rats take nibbles as they lie
Each soldier sent a postcard
But after a while they got bard
The government wrote them out themselves
It was like the soldier where in prison cells.
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Very deep poem about the nature of war. The nature of the government for that matter. Perhaps you could expand on certain points you made in the second paragraph. I am curious to see what you think on the nature of government in war? hm another poem perhaps.
thanks you!
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
Several errors, and the rhyming's off and sloppy.
They told me not to give a line for line survey in this section. But many lines have at least one error.
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(07-21-2013, 04:54 PM)marmake94 Wrote: Remember those who fought in the trench
English, American, German and French
Gave their life's for their country and others
Feeling sorry for their lovers.
As the poppy's grow, the soldiers die
The rats take nibbles as they lie
Each soldier sent a postcard
But after a while they got bard
The government wrote them out themselves
It was like the soldier where in prison cells.
I agree the rhyming is off. last line "where" is wrong word. "lifes" should be "lives". Few things to fix. Welcome
I once told this blond chick to screw in a light bulb..
She got naked and asked "how do I get in it?"
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While a few words rhyme nicely, you also have some near rhymes. This isn't a huge deal to me, I do the same thing sometimes, but I have gotten comments about it and suggestions to change it. Overall I like the theme of your poem, war is an interesting things to write about. I would suggest fixing some errors and maybe play with the wording a bit, but nice job!
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Threads: 19
Joined: Jul 2013
maybe you can get into more detail. Details like certain battles in the war. Playing with this will expand the length of your poem nicely. also the last line has a typo in it. it should be "Soldiers". Unless your coming from somewhere I can comprehend, I cant imagine where. I understand it may be hard to find rhymes while expanding your poem but use a thesaurus or something! I just wish your poem was longer, like TheWall0912 said, war is an interesting thing to write about, there is plenty of ways of making your poem longer while on the topic of war. War is a huge topic! Sorry I just don't like short poems
