Posts: 54
Threads: 33
Joined: Feb 2010
So many ambitions
Dreams to fulfill
Yet no actions being taken
Captivated by fear‘s shadow above my bed
Waking up at the darkest hours
So many ambitions
Dreams to fulfill
I’ve walked far enough down the tunnel
The light glares at the end
I can’t seem to reach it though
Fear isn't letting me
Bags under my eyes
Black liquid mascara running down
But, that doesn’t stop me
I keep running down the tunnel
So many ambitions
Dreams to fulfill
Close to my destination
Great anticipation ahead
Yet, I’m captivated by fear
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
06-09-2010, 07:08 AM
(This post was last modified: 06-09-2010, 12:32 PM by billy.)
(06-09-2010, 12:44 AM)Loveblind Wrote: So many ambitions
Dreams to fulfill
Yet no actions being taken
Captivated by fear‘s shadow above my bed
Waking up at the darkest hours
So many ambitions
Dreams to fulfill
I’ve walked far enough down the tunnel
The light glares at the end
I can’t seem to reach it though
Fear isn't letting me
Bags under my eyes
Black liquid mascara running down
But, that doesn’t stop me
I keep running down the tunnel
So many ambitions
Dreams to fulfill
Close to my destination
Great anticipation ahead
Yet, I’m captivated by fear
i like the repetition in this one, (normally rep is redundant, but it works in this one )
i like that while being introspective, it doesn't carry that misplaced angst that many a young persons poem do.
if you could swap a few of the cliche for a few good strong image, i think you'd have a good poem on your hands.
as always LB, thans for the read.
Posts: 805
Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
I like the theme of this... no matter how determined you are, no matter how desperately hopeful, fear and doubt can set in. In fact, sometimes fear feeds off of that desperate hope.
I think the repetition of one phrase makes quite an impact ("So many ambitions, dreams to fulfill) but it doesn't work as well when you also repeated "captivated by fear" (stanza two line two, and last stanza last line) so I'd suggest rephrasing the line from the second stanza.
There are a couple of commas in there that you don't need I think; "But, that doesn't stop me.." "Yet, I'm captivated by fear.." You can leave out the commas and lose nothing
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Posts: 43
Threads: 12
Joined: Jun 2010
This poem clinches it. I LIKE you, Loveblind. You've just created a kind of mantra in your chorus right there. And it's a VERY good refrain, given the rest of the poem.
My comments for improvement were basically covered by Addy, and given that they weren't big improvements, I think you're doing very well.
