abc_dragon_000
Unregistered
*********************
For I am alive
For those threadbare mittens lay quaint
faint as they are
dim in bareness
Where shadows tread
dipped in deep black
shall the glove shed?
shall the glove shed?
yes the mittens feed
sans pain sans impedence
amenable as dead rats
for all of them to tap
Mohogany, it can't see the crimson
in harmony they do
burn that papaya whip
No tinkering
just hidden, just winning
fourflush a million
yet each time
drinking a cocktail of bear bile
Remember the skin?
Left under their nails
Heard water draining down their countenance
Let the papaya whip cumulate
the wordless beats
that hits wall after wall in an erratic frenzy
like the words a creature enounces
as they stand before the knife on another farm
Let these moments be soaked up
by the remarkable papaya whip
before they attack
with blistering vengeance
to bleach the papaya whip maroon
no less tainted than they are
Only darker
And darker
when each replay
blends a fresh crimson to the blackening fall
For I am alive
For I knew the flavour
of an ancient tomb of a heiress
Here, only clouds more maladorous
only precipitates of sprinkling eyes
flashes of rips and tears
Let the papaya whip be dissolved traceless
like ice in water
Where were all the fiery ears?
when the chords struck at 12 my dear?
Posts: 522
Threads: 48
Joined: Nov 2012
Hi abc_ dragon_ooo (do you have a short name or nickname you might like to use to make adressing you more freindly...there is a roll call where you can log such a name)
Welcome to the site.
Good to see you have leapt right in with a poem.
We do ask that you offer crit and in depth comments on others poems as well as recieving crit.
(You may post once in Novice without leaving feedback). There are plenty of places to find out more about how to crit a poem on the site - look out for these.
To decide where your poems should be posted, please read Where should I post my poems?. Welcome to the forum. AJ
AdamPaulBentley
Unregistered
Hi there
First of all, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece so thank you for posting it!
Secondly, I would like to commend you on the excellent use of a varied vocabulary!
All in all, a very fine poem!
abc_dragon_000
Unregistered
@Cidermaid: Thank you! You could call me Juicy! Ye sure I'd love to read others' poems!
@AdamPaulBently: Nawwwww thank you so much, that was really motivational
Thank you for taking time to read it
Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
Alright, you might get some pretty harsh reviews but that is all stuff that can probably be improved.
Your title is awkward. It is abstract and makes the poem seem like it takes itself very seriously and serious poetry is harder to write than humorous poetry.
(07-13-2013, 10:51 PM)abc_dragon_000 Wrote: *********************
For I am alive -- Why are you using "For"
For those threadbare mittens lay quaint
faint as they are
dim in bareness
Where shadows tread
dipped in deep black
shall the glove shed?
shall the glove shed?
yes the mittens feed
sans pain sans impedence
amenable as dead rats
for all of them to tap
Mohogany, it can't see the crimson
in harmony they do
burn that papaya whip
No tinkering
just hidden, just winning
fourflush a million
yet each time
drinking a cocktail of bear bile
Remember the skin?
Left under their nails
Heard water draining down their countenance
Let the papaya whip cumulate
the wordless beats
that hits wall after wall in an erratic frenzy
like the words a creature enounces
as they stand before the knife on another farm
Let these moments be soaked up
by the remarkable papaya whip
before they attack
with blistering vengeance
to bleach the papaya whip maroon
no less tainted than they are
Only darker
And darker
when each replay
blends a fresh crimson to the blackening fall
For I am alive
For I knew the flavour
of an ancient tomb of a heiress
Here, only clouds more maladorous
only precipitates of sprinkling eyes
flashes of rips and tears
Let the papaya whip be dissolved traceless
like ice in water
Where were all the fiery ears?
when the chords struck at 12 my dear?
I have to go but your poem seemed somewhat dislocated and confusing. Just my opinion.
(07-14-2013, 01:42 AM)Brownlie Wrote: Alright, you might get some pretty harsh reviews but that is all stuff that can probably be improved.
Your title is awkward. It is abstract and makes the poem seem like it takes itself very seriously and serious poetry is harder to write than humorous poetry.
(07-13-2013, 10:51 PM)abc_dragon_000 Wrote: *********************
For I am alive -- Why are you using "For"
For those threadbare mittens lay quaint
faint as they are
dim in bareness
Where shadows tread
dipped in deep black
shall the glove shed?
shall the glove shed?
yes the mittens feed
sans pain sans impedence
amenable as dead rats
for all of them to tap
Mohogany, it can't see the crimson
in harmony they do
burn that papaya whip
No tinkering
just hidden, just winning
fourflush a million
yet each time
drinking a cocktail of bear bile
Remember the skin?
Left under their nails
Heard water draining down their countenance
Let the papaya whip cumulate
the wordless beats
that hits wall after wall in an erratic frenzy
like the words a creature enounces
as they stand before the knife on another farm
Let these moments be soaked up
by the remarkable papaya whip
before they attack
with blistering vengeance
to bleach the papaya whip maroon
no less tainted than they are
Only darker
And darker
when each replay
blends a fresh crimson to the blackening fall
For I am alive
For I knew the flavour
of an ancient tomb of a heiress
Here, only clouds more maladorous
only precipitates of sprinkling eyes
flashes of rips and tears
Let the papaya whip be dissolved traceless
like ice in water
Where were all the fiery ears?
when the chords struck at 12 my dear?
I have to go but your poem seemed somewhat dislocated and confusing. Just my opinion. I've probably written things of comparable quality.
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
This forum has rules for posting in Serious Critique. Please familiarise yourself with them -- they are at the top of the forum when you open it. We understand that you're new here and eager but you will receive more suitable critique at this time in the Novice forum. Serious Critique takes a significant investment of readers' time and it needs to be earned/ admin
It could be worse
Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
(07-14-2013, 04:56 AM)Leanne Wrote: This forum has rules for posting in Serious Critique. Please familiarise yourself with them -- they are at the top of the forum when you open it. We understand that you're new here and eager but you will receive more suitable critique at this time in the Novice forum. Serious Critique takes a significant investment of readers' time and it needs to be earned/ admin
Some people dedicate years of study to poetry and English and their success can be a result of hard work that barely gets recognized... It is not just carefree venting and I myself forget this from time to time...
abc_dragon_000
Unregistered
hmmm true.... alright
I wasn't venting about my life haha just trying to write about an issue (of cruel misdeeds) in the poem through the changing colours of an object...
abc_dragon_000
Unregistered
so can someone please tell me how to improve? o.O
