Posts: 70
Threads: 19
Joined: Jul 2013
her it goes my second poem
A love so sweet
Magically holding me
I feel close to her
Tears fill my eyes when I think of her
When I think about her sweet sweet love
Her immaculate arms grasp me
The ecstacy is bliss
I close my eyes in utmost love
And it feels as if the cosmos align
Such love cannot be ignored
It is magical
It is pure
And it is true
Posts: 280
Threads: 42
Joined: Mar 2013
Hi,
The first thing I noticed is that there's no punctuation. Adding some periods and commas could make it read easier.
There are also some words that are being repeated (ie. 'think of her', 'think about her'). Maybe you could find another way of telling what you want to tell, without repeating the same words as much.
It's a sweet poem, but it didn't draw me in as a reader. It was too cliche, I'm afraid (ie. L3-L4).
All of this is of course just my own humble opinion to be scrapped or used at will.
Do keep writing.
Best,
LB
Posts: 64
Threads: 12
Joined: Jun 2013
(07-16-2013, 12:14 AM)jdguyb Wrote: her it goes my second poem
A love so sweet
Magically holding me maybe rethink adverb ... tenderly? gently?
I feel close to her
Tears fill my eyes when I think of her
When I think about her sweet sweet love
Her immaculate arms grasp me immaculate? maybe a better adjective?
The ecstacy is bliss
I close my eyes in utmost love
And it feels as if the cosmos align
Such love cannot be ignored
It is magical
It is pure
And it is true
jdguyb,
A applaud your initiative, and like Volaticus, I encourage you to keep writing your poetry! One of the things I am learning here is that we poets should strive to become
masterful word crafters. Word crafters that say more with less. Sometimes metaphor and simile can convey feelings better then a description ... just some ideas. Keep writing (
and reading) poetry!
Cheers,
fim
