Welcome

[Vistaldust]

Edit


In your happy womb,
I heard Time whisper tenderly,
You live to serve me.




Original

In your placenta,
time whispered it's cold decree,
"You live to serve me."

[billy]

i laughed at this one and i don't think i should have.

it sounds like you just created a slave

[Vistaldust]

I changed it, if that's allowed before more critiques.

[billy]

course it's allowed, it's your poem

and it reads much better now.
it's better though not mandatory to leave the original on so people can see where the changes were and how you workshopped it.

[Vistaldust]

course it's allowed, it's your poem

and it reads much better now.
it's better though not mandatory to leave the original on so people can see where the changes were and how you workshopped it.

I'll put the original under.

[billy]

it creates a sort of symbiotic relationship between child and mother and makes for a decent senryu.
the last line moves enough away from the 1st two and makes a good last line. though it is cliche i don't think it matters in this instance as it's a statement of fact and hope.

[Bunx]

not much to add to this poem but how lovely it makes me feel. thanks for the post. i loved the adjectives you used and such

[Malu]

Rather interesting approach to the concept, good work! I also like the irony of the poem and title, welcome my servant haha