King and Queen

[jdguyb]

King and Queen
Dancing in infinity
I see the cosmos swirling
Almost magical
But just another extension
Of gods sweet grace
I see my queen, so beautiful
She watches over me
I feel her hand guiding mine
So impressionable
She is mine and I am hers
Best friends, King and Queen
Until the end
Until the end
Until the end

[Vistaldust]

Jd,
Been reading this repeatedly. I am confused about what you wish your queen to be for the reader. I will make some notes above.

---

King and Queen
Dancing in infinity
I see the cosmos swirling. [b]this is a very nice beginning
Almost magical
But just another extension
Of gods sweet grace
I see my queen, so beautiful
She watches over me
I feel her hand guiding mine. [/b]this implies your queen is more of a spiritual guide
So impressionable
She is mine and I am hers
Best friends, King and Queen. this line indicates she is an equal partner, very human[b]
Until the end
Until the end
Until the end

[jdguyb]

Jd,
Been reading this repeatedly. I am confused about what you wish your queen to be for the reader. I will make some notes above.

---

King and Queen
Dancing in infinity
I see the cosmos swirling. [b]this is a very nice beginning
Almost magical
But just another extension
Of gods sweet grace
I see my queen, so beautiful
She watches over me
I feel her hand guiding mine. [/b]this implies your queen is more of a spiritual guide
So impressionable
She is mine and I am hers
Best friends, King and Queen. this line indicates she is an equal partner, very human[b]
Until the end
Until the end
Until the end

thanks for the critic!

[billy]

no in line feedback in novice guys

the first 4 lines held very little substance. and from 6 onwards it's much of the same.

all the we get from the poem is;

i'm a king,
she's a queen,
we're in love till we die.

to expand on it needs solid images, similes, metaphor, or a mixture of all three, that relate to those three lines.

something that shows how and why you're a king
how does she watch over you? instead of telling us this, show us how she does it.

[LaughGiraffe]

I love the first four lines. I also like that it is 'almost magical' but actually an act of God, as if something so wonderful is nearly impossible. I get a little confused though because it seems like she's your guardian or superior to you in some kind of way

[sam]

quite nice if you want a pretty text and that is one definition of poetry according to me.
But I think there should be a message in a poem as well.
This poem might have a meaning that I cant see and in that case I'm sorry four missing it.
The poem has so meany conflicts about this queen. She watches over the righter she is the righter's guide in a spiritual and or physical way she is his lover and his friend.
The conflict in the end were you wright "Best friends, King and Queen" might occur from my one id'e of the meaning of the expression best friend. Fore me the expression best friend don't imply lovers but to persons that have a close relationship without being romantically involved. And the line above "She is mine and I am hers" implies the opposite.
Its nicely formulated but lacks in meaning.

Sam