Posts: 123
Threads: 15
Joined: Jun 2013
edit 3
Come,
Stare deep into the mirror
Watch the face glow
pupils pop and dance within
the reflection.
without closing your eyes to blink
you will notice that the face
blurs, the cheeks darken.
Eyes, grow weary and
turn red in agony
above the scalp, there it is,
The shadow of your flesh
staring back at you
edit 2
Come,
Stare deep into the mirror
Watch the face glow
pupils pop and dance within
the reflection.
If you stare without
closing your eyes to blink
you will notice that the face
blurs, the cheeks darken.
Eyes, grow weary and
turn red in agony
above the scalp, there it is,
The shadow of your flesh
staring back at you
edit 1
Staring deeply into a mirror
watching the face as it glows,
the pupils pop and dance within
the reflective vessel.
If you stare long enough without
closing your eyes to blink
you will notice that the face begins
to blur, the cheeks darken.
Eyes that have grown weary
turn red in agony and just above
the scalp, there it is,
The shadow of your reflection
staring back at you
original
Starring deeply into a mirror
watching the face as it glows,
the pupils pop behind the skin
and dance within the reflective
vessel.
If you stare long enough without
closing your eyes to blink
you will notice that the face begins
to blur, the cheeks darken.
Eyes that have grown weary,
turn red in agony and just above
the scalp there it is,
The shadow of your reflection
staring right back at you
I once told this blond chick to screw in a light bulb..
She got naked and asked "how do I get in it?"
Starring deeply into a mirror
Staring
watching the face as it glows,
the pupils pop behind the skin
The skin of your eyes?
and dance within the reflective
vessel.
If you stare long enough without
closing your eyes to blink
Could be a comma, but doesn't have to be
you will notice that the face begins
to blur, the cheeks darken.
Eyes that have grown weary,
That comma doesn't have to be here
turn red in agony and just above
the scalp there it is,
Could be a comma after scalp, but it doesn't have to be
The shadow of your reflection
You want the "The" to be capital?
staring right back at you
Posts: 17
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I like this. It makes me think of having a moment of introspection that, when it lasts too long, "without closing your eyes to blink" reveals a darker side of yourself lurking
Posts: 70
Threads: 19
Joined: Jul 2013
I like it. especially the part about holding your eyes open for too long
Posts: 85
Threads: 22
Joined: Jun 2013
I really like this. Another take on this is that we can all be a bit narcissistic. If we look in a mirror and use it to analyze how good we look, we soon begin to tear ourselves apart, seeing things no one else would.
Posts: 123
Threads: 15
Joined: Jun 2013
(07-15-2013, 01:30 AM)rowens Wrote: Starring deeply into a mirror
Staring
watching the face as it glows,
the pupils pop behind the skin
The skin of your eyes?
and dance within the reflective
vessel.
If you stare long enough without
closing your eyes to blink
Could be a comma, but doesn't have to be
you will notice that the face begins
to blur, the cheeks darken.
Eyes that have grown weary,
That comma doesn't have to be here
turn red in agony and just above
the scalp there it is,
Could be a comma after scalp, but it doesn't have to be
The shadow of your reflection
You want the "The" to be capital?
staring right back at you
Finally got my computer back working,
Nice catches rowens, It wasnt my best effort. "The pupils pop behind the skin" I got to fix. The obvious misspelling and comma misplacement too. Appreciate the critique.
jdguyb, appreciate you reading. Laugh Giraffe and Vistaldust, your spot on to the underlying of the writing. Appreciate your reading.
Thanks for the help.
I once told this blond chick to screw in a light bulb..
She got naked and asked "how do I get in it?"
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
hi R.C.
(off topic)isn't there a film with the same name
look out for cliche. staring deeply, on a first line could scare potential readers away. leave out any small words (baggage) such as [the] [and] and [just] i made some words bold so you could think about if they're worth removing.
not sure vessel is a good word to use though i understand why you use it. if possible use words without ing (unless they're really needed?)
stare deeply....
watch the face...
at present we're being told what's happening, show us; use a bit of simile or metaphor.
what is great is that you're editing, it can be a slog but it does get easier if you stick with it,
great effort.
(07-14-2013, 03:40 PM)R.C. KITCHENS Wrote: edit 1
Staring deeply into a mirror
watching the face as it glows,
the pupils pop and dance within
the reflective vessel.
If you stare long enough without
closing your eyes to blink
you will notice that the face begins
to blur, the cheeks darken.
Eyes that have grown weary
turn red in agony and just above
the scalp, there it is,
The shadow of your reflection
staring back at you
original
Starring deeply into a mirror
watching the face as it glows,
the pupils pop behind the skin
and dance within the reflective
vessel.
If you stare long enough without
closing your eyes to blink
you will notice that the face begins
to blur, the cheeks darken.
Eyes that have grown weary,
turn red in agony and just above
the scalp there it is,
The shadow of your reflection
staring right back at you
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
(07-14-2013, 03:40 PM)R.C. KITCHENS Wrote: edit 1
Staring deeply into a mirror
watching the face as it glows,
the pupils pop and dance within
the reflective vessel.
If you stare long enough without
closing your eyes to blink
you will notice that the face begins
to blur, the cheeks darken.
Eyes that have grown weary
turn red in agony and just above
the scalp, there it is,
The shadow of your reflection
staring back at you
I would consider switching a lot of the passive voice for active voice. In addition, as it becomes second person in S2, why not just start second person. A couple examples of these 2 pieces of advice:
"Stare into the mirror"
"watch the face glow"
"you will notice the face blur"
"eyes grow weary"
etc.
Thanks for posting
Posts: 123
Threads: 15
Joined: Jun 2013
(07-22-2013, 03:34 PM)billy Wrote: hi R.C.
(off topic)isn't there a film with the same name
look out for cliche. staring deeply, on a first line could scare potential readers away. leave out any small words (baggage) such as [the] [and] and [just] i made some words bold so you could think about if they're worth removing.
not sure vessel is a good word to use though i understand why you use it. if possible use words without ing (unless they're really needed?)
stare deeply....
watch the face...
at present we're being told what's happening, show us; use a bit of simile or metaphor.
what is great is that you're editing, it can be a slog but it does get easier if you stick with it,
great effort.
(07-14-2013, 03:40 PM)R.C. KITCHENS Wrote: edit 1
Staring deeply into a mirror
watching the face as it glows,
the pupils pop and dance within
the reflective vessel.
If you stare long enough without
closing your eyes to blink
you will notice that the face begins
to blur, the cheeks darken.
Eyes that have grown weary
turn red in agony and just above
the scalp, there it is,
The shadow of your reflection
staring back at you
original
Starring deeply into a mirror
watching the face as it glows,
the pupils pop behind the skin
and dance within the reflective
vessel.
If you stare long enough without
closing your eyes to blink
you will notice that the face begins
to blur, the cheeks darken.
Eyes that have grown weary,
turn red in agony and just above
the scalp there it is,
The shadow of your reflection
staring right back at you
Your right Billy, I thought I had a good title. I researched it and there is a movie by the name. I changed the title and cut "vessel" from it. I see the words you highlighted that I could cut also. I learn new tricks daily here and appreciate the help and thoughtful critique. Right now, I got to think about some metaphors to work it out a bit, but I did take Milo's suggestion and make it all second person.
(07-23-2013, 04:10 AM)milo Wrote: (07-14-2013, 03:40 PM)R.C. KITCHENS Wrote: edit 1
Staring deeply into a mirror
watching the face as it glows,
the pupils pop and dance within
the reflective vessel.
If you stare long enough without
closing your eyes to blink
you will notice that the face begins
to blur, the cheeks darken.
Eyes that have grown weary
turn red in agony and just above
the scalp, there it is,
The shadow of your reflection
staring back at you
I would consider switching a lot of the passive voice for active voice. In addition, as it becomes second person in S2, why not just start second person. A couple examples of these 2 pieces of advice:
"Stare into the mirror"
"watch the face glow"
"you will notice the face blur"
"eyes grow weary"
etc.
Thanks for posting
Milo, appreciate the feedback and suggestions, I did go back and edit it all to second person and made it more active. I see after doing so, it reads better.
I once told this blond chick to screw in a light bulb..
She got naked and asked "how do I get in it?"
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
what a difference. a great edit. there's still a little work you could do but i think you're doing bloody great so far. i love the within and without and how they play off each other.
(07-14-2013, 03:40 PM)R.C. KITCHENS Wrote: edit 2
Come,
Stare deep into the mirror
Watch the face glow
pupils pop and dance within
the reflection.
If you stare without
closing your eyes to blink this is what a stare is  which makes the line redundant, without above would still be a great counter to within, so i'd leave that where it is.
you will notice that the face
blurs, the cheeks darken.
Eyes, grow weary and
turn red in agony
above the scalp, there it is,
The shadow of your flesh
staring back at you
edit 1
Staring deeply into a mirror
watching the face as it glows,
the pupils pop and dance within
the reflective vessel.
If you stare long enough without
closing your eyes to blink
you will notice that the face begins
to blur, the cheeks darken.
Eyes that have grown weary
turn red in agony and just above
the scalp, there it is,
The shadow of your reflection
staring back at you
original
Starring deeply into a mirror
watching the face as it glows,
the pupils pop behind the skin
and dance within the reflective
vessel.
If you stare long enough without
closing your eyes to blink
you will notice that the face begins
to blur, the cheeks darken.
Eyes that have grown weary,
turn red in agony and just above
the scalp there it is,
The shadow of your reflection
staring right back at you
Posts: 123
Threads: 15
Joined: Jun 2013
(07-24-2013, 01:41 PM)billy Wrote: what a difference. a great edit. there's still a little work you could do but i think you're doing bloody great so far. i love the within and without and how they play off each other.
(07-14-2013, 03:40 PM)R.C. KITCHENS Wrote: edit 2
Come,
Stare deep into the mirror
Watch the face glow
pupils pop and dance within
the reflection.
If you stare without
closing your eyes to blink this is what a stare is which makes the line redundant, without above would still be a great counter to within, so i'd leave that where it is.
you will notice that the face
blurs, the cheeks darken.
Eyes, grow weary and
turn red in agony
above the scalp, there it is,
The shadow of your flesh
staring back at you
edit 1
Staring deeply into a mirror
watching the face as it glows,
the pupils pop and dance within
the reflective vessel.
If you stare long enough without
closing your eyes to blink
you will notice that the face begins
to blur, the cheeks darken.
Eyes that have grown weary
turn red in agony and just above
the scalp, there it is,
The shadow of your reflection
staring back at you
original
Starring deeply into a mirror
watching the face as it glows,
the pupils pop behind the skin
and dance within the reflective
vessel.
If you stare long enough without
closing your eyes to blink
you will notice that the face begins
to blur, the cheeks darken.
Eyes that have grown weary,
turn red in agony and just above
the scalp there it is,
The shadow of your reflection
staring right back at you
Your right, "stare" is redundant. Good catch.
I once told this blond chick to screw in a light bulb..
She got naked and asked "how do I get in it?"
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
(07-24-2013, 01:48 PM)R.C. KITCHENS Wrote: (07-24-2013, 01:41 PM)billy Wrote: what a difference. a great edit. there's still a little work you could do but i think you're doing bloody great so far. i love the within and without and how they play off each other.
(07-14-2013, 03:40 PM)R.C. KITCHENS Wrote: edit 2
Come,
Stare deep into the mirror
Watch the face glow
pupils pop and dance within
the reflection.
If you stare without
closing your eyes to blink this is what a stare is which makes the line redundant, without above would still be a great counter to within, so i'd leave that where it is.
you will notice that the face
blurs, the cheeks darken.
Eyes, grow weary and
turn red in agony
above the scalp, there it is,
The shadow of your flesh
staring back at you
edit 1
Staring deeply into a mirror
watching the face as it glows,
the pupils pop and dance within
the reflective vessel.
If you stare long enough without
closing your eyes to blink
you will notice that the face begins
to blur, the cheeks darken.
Eyes that have grown weary
turn red in agony and just above
the scalp, there it is,
The shadow of your reflection
staring back at you
original
Starring deeply into a mirror
watching the face as it glows,
the pupils pop behind the skin
and dance within the reflective
vessel.
If you stare long enough without
closing your eyes to blink
you will notice that the face begins
to blur, the cheeks darken.
Eyes that have grown weary,
turn red in agony and just above
the scalp there it is,
The shadow of your reflection
staring right back at you
Your right, "stare" is redundant. Good catch.
maybe:
Stare. Don't close your eyes,
don't blink until fatigue blurs
your face, darkens your cheeks,
etc, etc, etc
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
yeah though i'm not to clever with enjambment
i think you could leave it a couple of days at least and then see what you see.
this way does lose the without which i thought was quite good.
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