Nighttime Blue

[philoinlove]

Oh summers breeze, caress me with ease.
Fireflies fly ‘round my mind,
and entwine me with Earth divine.

Spiritually, the sky sings to me as its
Nighttime blue hue blankets the trees.

Tonight the Orchestra is out
Cricket Waltz in C major serenades me.
oh sweet Jiminy I love your symphony

[Brownlie]

Oh summers breeze, caress me with ease.
Fireflies fly ‘round my mind,
and entwine me with Earth divine.

Spiritually, the sky sings to me as its
Nighttime blue hue blankets the trees.

Tonight the Orchestra is out
Cricket Waltz in C major serenades me.
oh sweet Jiminy I love your symphony

It is good writing but I feel as if you are about to get blind sided and smacked in the head. I saw a cute little dog the other day and it yelped and a man rigidly smacked it. All he cared about was quieting the yelping dog.

[rowens]

Oh summers breeze, caress me with ease.

Could be summer's



Fireflies fly ‘round my mind,

The mark on round might be facing the wrong way; some might not think so, but I do. Round is a word already, but around tends to get more ground, and meaning.

and entwine me with Earth divine.

Spiritually, the sky sings to me as its
Nighttime blue hue blankets the trees.

Does "Spiritually" mean anything? And do you want "Nighttime" capitalized?


Tonight the Orchestra is out
Cricket Waltz in C major serenades me.
oh sweet Jiminy I love your symphony

Could be some commas in there, but it doesn't bother me.

[billy]

it suffers from forced lines in the first stanza
and some punctuation problems.
these things are multiplied because of the shortness of the poem
the last stanza isn't too bad and works okay on it's own as a short three liner. i suggest posting in mild for a while

thanks for the read

Oh summers breeze, caress me with ease. [summer's,] forced breeze/ease
Fireflies fly ‘round my mind,
and entwine me with Earth divine. it's too ambiguous

Spiritually, the sky sings to me as its
Nighttime blue hue blankets the trees. needs a comma after hue

Tonight the Orchestra is out
Cricket Waltz in C major serenades me. an [a] or [the] might help the line
oh sweet Jiminy I love your symphony cap needed to start line

[AndrewL]

Oh summers breeze, caress me with ease.
Fireflies fly ‘round my mind,
and entwine me with Earth's divine.

Spiritually, the sky sings to me as its
Nighttime blue hue blankets the trees.

Tonight the Orchestra is out
Cricket Waltz in C major serenades me.
oh sweet Jiminy I love your symphony

I'm surprised no one pointed out about the Earth part needing the 's. At least that's what I think it's.. I could be wrong though.

In the last stanza. I believe D major could possibly be more suitable :p

I really enjoyed this write as it makes me reflect on a few lsd experiences.