Dear sir, I think....

[Keith]

Edit 1 thanks to Volaticus and BTJ

Dear Tim
Stick your job as far as it will go,
I've never liked you or your BO.
Instead of hassling me get yourself a life
and while you’re out there try and find a wife,
one you get to keep this time
you arse hole.

Yours sincerely
The only hard working employee you've got

"Yeh right who am I kidding?
we all know
I don't have the balls to send it"

As the fly landed on the soft membrane
of the touch screen,
the flow of electrons tickled his feet
and mistook him for a well place finger,
through the fly's pixelated eyes
he could just make out the word,

Send

Noooooooooo


Original
Typing what I really think
email to my boss that
I would never send.

Thinking how technology
has moved mankind
ahead of the creatures

we share our world with.
Then a fly landed on my
touchscreen and pressed
send

[Volaticus]

Hi TOMH,
I enjoyed reading this. I didn't expect the last stanza; I really like the sort of irony of it.
Not really any crit to offer, other than a small nit. The first two lines felt a bit disconnected, and I wanted to read "an email" or "in an email" or something like that, to bind the lines more together, like they are in the rest of the poem.
JMHO of course.
Best,
LB

[Keith]

Hi TOMH,
I enjoyed reading this. I didn't expect the last stanza; I really like the sort of irony of it.
Not really any crit to offer, other than a small nit. The first two lines felt a bit disconnected, and I wanted to read "an email" or "in an email" or something like that, to bind the lines more together, like they are in the rest of the poem.
JMHO of course.
Best,
LB

Good advice LB thanks very much I will have a go at an edit. Best TOMH

[Robbie Reaper]

TOMH,
Great job! This composition made me chuckle. Damn that fly to hell -- where's a flyswatter when you need one!?

From,
Robbie Reaper

P.S.
Keep up the great work!

[Keith]

TOMH,
Great job! This composition made me chuckle. Damn that fly to hell -- where's a flyswatter when you need one!?

From,
Robbie Reaper

P.S.
Keep up the great work!

Thanks Robbie Ive had a go at an edit but the story is still the same glad you had a chuckle. TOMH

[benthejack]

Hiiii TOMH,

good shit! To be honest though I preferred the original, the succinctness of it captured the moment better (I think it would make an awsome Senryu if you could compact it into that format). It felt more like an actual momentary (shitshitshit) event, the intro of the fly seemed like unnecessary filler.

But great twist!

Ruv you rong tym
btj

[Keith]

Hiiii TOMH,

good shit! To be honest though I preferred the original, the succinctness of it captured the moment better (I think it would make an awsome Senryu if you could compact it into that format). It felt more like an actual momentary (shitshitshit) event, the intro of the fly seemed like unnecessary filler.

But great twist!

Ruv you rong tym
btj

Thanks for the advice BTJ I have culled the edit and will look to improve the Senryu ability of it. Cheers TOMH

[rayheinrich]

Since this is a poem in the "fun" section, I'm not going to mention it's problems with meter.

[Keith]

Since this is a poem in the "fun" section, I'm not going to mention it's problems with meter.

Thanks for not mentioning the problems with the meter ;-)

[rayheinrich]

Since this is a poem in the "fun" section, I'm not going to mention it's problems with meter.

Thanks for not mentioning the problems with the meter ;-)

Last time I looked it was still running.

[Keith]

Since this is a poem in the "fun" section, I'm not going to mention it's problems with meter.

Thanks for not mentioning the problems with the meter ;-)

Last time I looked it was still running.


Damn, now the problem is twice as big, I fear the meter police have found me with their metrognomes and the click of their fishing reels. Sometimes I get close to their frenzied dance but I always seem to stumble before full synchronisation takes place. You'll never take me alive, keep that fishing rod away from me.