empty hours

[neskozhu]

Empty hours of the day
For the night, the sleep I pray
Come quickly, I await
Your presence does elate

Empty hours of the day
Tormentors, killers in a way
I die when Im awake
Go, stay away for goodness sake

Empty hours of the day
It’s a dangerous game you play
A guest that overstays his welcome
Is an offense forgiven seldom

By god’s grace, the night is here
I cherish you, so very dear
Never will I forget
The peace within me that you set

By god’s grace, the night is here
My eyes shall close, but my heart’s in cheer
You brought with you purpose and meaning
Your brightness disguised in a darkness, seeming

By god’s grace, the night is here
Your company, many do, for reason, fear
They try to avoid it, run and hide
But I welcome you, and the kin that travels at your side

[cidermaid]

Hi and welcome to the pigpen.
I see that you have already offered some crit on a poem in this section so well done for diving right in.

If you need a bit of advice on where best to post your poems, please read:- Where should I post my poems?.
We do ask that you offer crit and in depth comments to the best of your ability.
There are plenty of places to find out more about how to crit a poem on the site - look out for these.
All the best AJ.

[tirnanog]

I love the imagery and the content, and the repetition of opening lines. I think that I understand the message (although I'm new to critiquing) but maybe you could explain why a little.

Some of your rhymes are really creative, but I think the rhyme scheme makes the structure seem a little forced at times, especially at 'Your presence does elate' and 'The peace within me that you set.'
Perhaps you could make the rhyme scheme a little irregular, or use more commas and full stops to show how the poem flows.

[LaughGiraffe]

I'm a sucker for rhyme so kuddos. And I think the repetitive first lines are very effective. I think it would be even better if you sort of elaborated. Like why are the daylight hours empty and what makes sleep so meaningful?

[neskozhu]

thank you for the critique... to elaborate on why the hours are so brutal to me, i was recently in a car accident and seriously injured my hand, likely permanently limiting use of it, and the pain i am in is pretty intense. i dont want to get hooked on my pain meds so i try not to take them during the day and just use it to be able to sleep. simply put, my days arent pleasant and sleep is my only escape.

[R.C. KITCHENS]

Empty hours of the day
For the night, the sleep I pray
Come quickly, I await
Your presence does elate

I like the opening.

Empty hours of the day
Tormentors, killers in a way
I die when Im awake
Go, stay away for goodness sake

"for goodness sake" is a cliche. reminds me of Santa Claus and that
christmas carol...

Empty hours of the day
It’s a dangerous game you play
A guest that overstays his welcome
Is an offense forgiven seldom

By god’s grace, the night is here
I cherish you, so very dear
Never will I forget
The peace within me that you set

I feel like a line should be above this segment..transisting from the empty hours to the night. "Gods grace" seems cliche. Maybe a line
on how you wait for the night to come and then it is here..

By god’s grace, the night is here
My eyes shall close, but my heart’s in cheer
You brought with you purpose and meaning
Your brightness disguised in a darkness, seeming

By god’s grace, the night is here
Your company, many do, for reason, fear
They try to avoid it, run and hide
But I welcome you, and the kin that travels at your side

I like the poem, there were what I thought two cliches in it that could be put in other words. Just some thoughts. Welcome to the forum.