The Replacer

[alexaomame]

First poem I am submitting on this site, or any site, really.

The Replacer

Your dogs were here for five minutes
They took a thousand shits
The gravel, the grass, the cement
The malodorousness lessens everyday
The lack is the replacer

[Leanne]

This poem has been moved from Serious Critique to Novice -- we ask that before posting in Serious or Mild Critique, you first participate in the workshop by leaving thoughtful, considered comments on other people's threads. You may post once in Novice without leaving feedback. To decide where your poems should be posted, please read Where should I post my poems?. Welcome to the forum/ admin

[fim]

First poem I am submitting on this site, or any site, really.

The Replacer

Your dogs were here for five minutes
They took a thousand shits
The gravel, the grass, the cement
The malodorousness lessens everyday
The lack is the replacer

alexaomame,
your prose is thought provoking (maybe because it is puzzling, for me at least) ... the juxtaposition of quite common language with a sophisticated multisyllabic term, your topic, your ending. There must be something deeper here ... something I missed. Keep writing and submitting ... I am realizing it is how we grow competence in our passion. I too am new at this ... submitting and critiquing ... cheers!

[alexaomame]

alexaomame,
your prose is thought provoking (maybe because it is puzzling, for me at least) ... the juxtaposition of quite common language with a sophisticated multisyllabic term, your topic, your ending. There must be something deeper here ... something I missed. Keep writing and submitting ... I am realizing it is how we grow competence in our passion. I too am new at this ... submitting and critiquing ... cheers!

Thank you very much, that is very encouraging! I will definitely be submitting more!

[missemilyrose]

Hey,

I'm not sure what you mean by lack is the replacer. Is it the lack of smell replaces the shit? Without understanding that ÇI sort of loose out on the rest of the poem.

First poem I am submitting on this site, or any site, really.

The Replacer

Your dogs were here for five minutes
They took a thousand shits
The gravel, the grass, the cement
The malodorousness lessens everyday
The lack is the replacer

[gdimonaco]

It kind of reminds me of the poetry of Richard Brautigan. Check him it and see if you agree. I enjoyed it and the ambiguous ending!

[alexaomame]

Hey,

I'm not sure what you mean by lack is the replacer. Is it the lack of smell replaces the shit? Without understanding that ÇI sort of loose out on the rest of the poem.

Haha I thought it was pretty obvious that the shit was a metaphor...and a pretty direct one? I suppose that's why it's good to get feedback, to see how people perceive it. Thanks.

---

It kind of reminds me of the poetry of Richard Brautigan. Check him it and see if you agree. I enjoyed it and the ambiguous ending!

Thank you so much! I'll definitely be checking him out!

[cidermaid]

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