the chasm

[hollyl]

a tirade of bitter loneliness
surges through tensed fingers

What is wrong with me?
How is it that I fail so miserably to demonstrate how much I long for your touch,
a moment of affection,
more interest than you find
in the bright lights
and pulsing beats
delivered to you in gigabytes of RAM

my pulse beats
my eyes light
my hope is more lasting than your RAM

but i am not enough
my eyes not bright enough
my pulse doesn't beat as loud or hypnotically

only the wish, the whine or complaint reaches your ears
only too quickly drowned out
in a haze of greenish grey smoke
that turns hopeful please
into background sound

you need not be concerned
with the patience of hope
you count on it
it ensures your survival

this chasm of emptiness wont leave
all it continues to echo is
What is wrong with me?

[R.C. KITCHENS]

a tirade of bitter loneliness
surges through tensed fingers

What is wrong with me?
How is it that I fail so miserably to demonstrate how much I long for your touch,
you could write this a few different ways, for example "I fail miserably to demonstrate how I long for your touch" If you keep it as is..you could
lose "so".
a moment of affection,
more interest than you find
in the bright lights
and pulsing beats
delivered to you in gigabytes of RAM

my pulse beats
my eyes light
my hope is more lasting than your RAM

but i am not enough
my eyes not bright enough
my pulse doesn't beat as loud or hypnotically

only the wish, the whine or complaint reaches your ears
only too quickly drowned out
in a haze of greenish grey smoke
Im wondering a little bit here, maybe a little more detail?

that turns hopeful pleasedid you mean plea's?
into background sound

you need not be concerned
with the patience of hope
you count on it
it ensures your survival

this chasm of emptiness wont leave
all it continues to echo isdon't need "is" or "all"
"This chasm of emptiness wont leave,
it continues to echo
What is wrong with me?"
What is wrong with me?

This was different, I like the first two lines. It was a good start. I think following those lines there was a break up of imagery. Certain parts need a little more detail to fully make the piece work. I get a general Idea, but a little more imagery wouldn't hurt.

Welcome to the forum.[/b]

[hollyl]

GREAT suggestions! Thank you for your critique. Much appreciated.

a tirade of bitter loneliness
surges through tensed fingers

What is wrong with me?
How is it that I fail so miserably to demonstrate how much I long for your touch,
you could write this a few different ways, for example "I fail miserably to demonstrate how I long for your touch" If you keep it as is..you could
lose "so".
a moment of affection,
more interest than you find
in the bright lights
and pulsing beats
delivered to you in gigabytes of RAM

my pulse beats
my eyes light
my hope is more lasting than your RAM

but i am not enough
my eyes not bright enough
my pulse doesn't beat as loud or hypnotically

only the wish, the whine or complaint reaches your ears
only too quickly drowned out
in a haze of greenish grey smoke
Im wondering a little bit here, maybe a little more detail?

that turns hopeful pleasedid you mean plea's?
into background sound

you need not be concerned
with the patience of hope
you count on it
it ensures your survival

this chasm of emptiness wont leave
all it continues to echo isdon't need "is" or "all"
"This chasm of emptiness wont leave,
it continues to echo
What is wrong with me?"
What is wrong with me?

This was different, I like the first two lines. It was a good start. I think following those lines there was a break up of imagery. Certain parts need a little more detail to fully make the piece work. I get a general Idea, but a little more imagery wouldn't hurt.

Welcome to the forum.[/b]

[cidermaid]

Hi Hollyl

Welcome to the site.
I have moved your poem to the novice section.
The reason for this is that the site rules are clear that you should post a crit on another poem before poesting one of your own in the mild section. You are allowed to post one poem in the novice section before offering a crit and as you are new I have simply moved your poem to make allowances for you not being familiar with the site. Please read the posting rules listed at the top of each section before posting any further poems.