Sated

[EmilyJune519]

She does kegels for him.
Three daily sets of ten,
while she’s behind the desk at school or work,
in traffic or brushing her teeth.

They smoke and eat pizza in bed,
kissing with greasy tongues.
They come with her on top,
pulled tight into his chest.
Appetites earned, they wake to growling bellies.
“What’s for dinner?” he asks.
She worries about her waist,
but relents when he mentions burgers and shakes.
At midnight, she’ll fry potato
with onion and garlic and parsley.

She never gave in easy.
She never watched sports or apologized.
She tolerates things she never did.
Not the porn or reckless driving,
but the faucet left to run,
his tardiness and flirtatiousness.

She never felt sexy.
She never cried over a man before,
never felt an ache crawl from her chest
to her throat and stomach.
She was never sated.
But with the buttered French toast
and his grip on her thigh,
she is voracious, sexy in her gluttony.

[billy]

not a lot to give constructive feedback on, i thoroughly enjoyed it. i was expecting a smorgasbord of sexual gratification, not sure about the 3rd stanza but it does add the kind of person she is. a good solid read that wasn't what it seemed. (it was much deeper than just sex)

thanks for the read.

She does kegels for him. had to look kegals up, now i'm excited
Three daily sets of ten,
while she’s behind the desk at school or work,
in traffic or brushing her teeth. i'm sure what the kegals are leading up to but i like the matter of fact and mundane way i'm being led there.

They smoke and eat pizza in bed,
kissing with greasy tongues. nice image between the two lines
They come with her on top,
pulled tight into his chest.
Appetites earned, they wake to growling bellies. i like how it's implied it wasn't a 5 minute dash with 'appetites earned
“What’s for dinner?” he asks. is this line needed as the burger line onward is saying the same thing as is the line above
She worries about her waist,
but relents when he mentions burgers and shakes.
At midnight, she’ll fry potato
with onion and garlic and parsley. i'm not sure if it's a sex poem or a mean for fast food two of my faves so i'm good to go

She never gave in easy.
She never watched sports or apologized.
She tolerates things she never did. [tolerated?]
Not the porn or reckless driving,
but the faucet left to run,
his tardiness and flirtatiousness.

She never felt sexy.
She never cried over a man before, the before on this line is what the poems all about, this guy is different, he knows how to share, the line above "they come" sort of reinforces his qualities
never felt an ache crawl from her chest
to her throat and stomach.
She was never sated.
But with the buttered French toast i love how this line diffuses the never's that's mentioned
and his grip on her thigh,
she is voracious, sexy in her gluttony. okay so i was half right, it's all about the food

[Todd]

Hi EmilyJune,

I like a lot of this. My comments below:

She does kegels for him.--Nice opening, suggestive and great word choice
Three daily sets of ten,
while she’s behind the desk at school or work,--I think with the rhythm you've set "at school or work" feels like it can be cut for the shorter line. It throws the rhythm slightly, and the detail doesn't add much. If you go that way probably a comma after desk and after traffic in the next line
in traffic or brushing her teeth.

They smoke and eat pizza in bed,
kissing with greasy tongues.--Nice detail
They come with her on top,
pulled tight into his chest.
Appetites earned, they wake to growling bellies.--I don't think you need appetites earned
“What’s for dinner?” he asks. --Again don't know if you need this line. You can move right into the action and observation
She worries about her waist,
but relents when he mentions burgers and shakes.
At midnight, she’ll fry potato--feels like this should be plural rather than singular
with onion and garlic and parsley.

She never gave in easy.
She never watched sports or apologized.--One optional possible interesting line break...maybe break after watched
She tolerates things she never did.
Not the porn or reckless driving,
but the faucet left to run,
his tardiness and flirtatiousness.--love the sense of the relationship throughout this

She never felt sexy.
She never cried over a man before,
never felt an ache crawl from her chest--Nice personification of the ache. You may be able to play with the image more but it works
to her throat and stomach.
She was never sated.
But with the buttered French toast
and his grip on her thigh,
she is voracious, sexy in her gluttony.--I like the wrap up.

Enjoyable read. I hope some of the comments will be helpful.

Best,

Todd

[Vistaldust]

She does kegels for him.
Three daily sets of ten,
while she’s behind the desk at school or work,
in traffic or brushing her teeth.

They smoke and eat pizza in bed,
kissing with greasy tongues.
They come with her on top,
pulled tight into his chest.
Appetites earned, they wake to growling bellies.
“What’s for dinner?” he asks.
She worries about her waist,
but relents when he mentions burgers and shakes.
At midnight, she’ll fry potato
with onion and garlic and parsley.

She never gave in easy.
She never watched sports or apologized.
She tolerates things she never did.
Not the porn or reckless driving,
but the faucet left to run,
his tardiness and flirtatiousness.

She never felt sexy.
She never cried over a man before,
never felt an ache crawl from her chest
to her throat and stomach.
She was never sated.
But with the buttered French toast
and his grip on her thigh,
she is voracious, sexy in her gluttony. I love this ending! It puts the whole narrative in perspective. I wasn't really sure where you were going until the end, and then it took me to an immediate, enthusiastic re-read[/b]

---

For some reason I can't bold face my critique like the pros. This is a great free verse narrative. I am not experienced enough to give a serious critique, but I see others have done that for me. Very nice work. It brought me into the relationship very vividly.

[R.C. KITCHENS]

She does kegels for him.

I had to look up Kegel's too. Since Kegel's is a reference to the man
who founded the exercise, I'd suggest capitalization when referencing them.

Three daily sets of ten,
while she’s behind the desk at school or work,

I agree with Todd, "at school or work" seems lengthy to stay with
the starting lines

in traffic or brushing her teeth.

They smoke and eat pizza in bed,
kissing with greasy tongues.
They come with her on top,
pulled tight into his chest.
Appetites earned, they wake to growling bellies.
“What’s for dinner?” he asks.

agree, "Whats for dinner?" breaks it up.. could lose the line
and it would be better.

She worries about her waist,
but relents when he mentions burgers and shakes.
At midnight, she’ll fry potato
with onion and garlic and parsley.

She never gave in easy.
She never watched sports or apologized.
She tolerates things she never did.
Not the porn or reckless driving,
but the faucet left to run,
his tardiness and flirtatiousness.

She never felt sexy.
She never cried over a man before,
never felt an ache crawl from her chest
to her throat and stomach.
She was never sated.
But with the buttered French toast
and his grip on her thigh,
she is voracious, sexy in her gluttony.

I like the piece and how it ties in sex and food with gluttony. I get the feeling by the "Kegel's" that she goes out of her way to please and to also achieve orgasm. Good piece, just some agreements with Billy and Todd and the thought to capitalize Kegels when referenced. Welcome to the forum.

[billy]

Thanks, Billy!

i'll delete these couple of posts now as they don't add to the poem, if you need any help working the site just pm someone